In Remission

Last night I walked outside to take the newest puppy out again. As I stood there waiting for her to do her business I looked up at the beautiful, glowing harvest moon and for the first time in 6 months I felt like I could breathe. I had almost the same thing happen just a few minutes ago. I again, was outside with the dogs and decided to enjoy the coolness of the morning. I sat at the patio table and this feeling of release swept over me. I stopped for a moment and listened to the life around me. The birds chirping, the squirrels doing what they do, a woodpecker in a neighbor's tree, things that I have not listened for in 6 months.
 For 6 months I have ben consumed first by the "what if I have cancer", then the "wow I have cancer", then treatments and side effects. I have looked in the mirror with every treatment and not realized the woman standing in front of me as chemo took my hair from all over and steroids added to my weight. I have laid in bed at night and cried because of the bone pain and because of what cancer was doing to me mentally. I have cried during waking hours to and apologized profusely to those around me for what my illness was doing to their lives. I have worried about the bills that I knew were going to come in and how I was going to pay for them even though I have insurance. I have stressed over the cost of what it was taking to get me to eat and drink between chemo treatments.
There were days when all of this, when cancer would become so overwhelming that I would cry and wonder what I didn't just let it take me. When I would think that people would have it easier if they didn't have to take care of me. I mean what 15 yr old wants to take care of their mom and hear her cry over and over again because of the pain?
When I would have these moments I was so blessed to have some amazing people around me. Adam, who even though he was away for 90% of treatment made sure that I had what I needed to make it through. Lorissa, yes she drove me crazy some days being her normal teenage self, but she really tried to step up and take care of me the 4 days after chemo. Mom, who even though she was only able to drive me to two treatments, still made the majority of them and worried about me even though she was/is going through her own health issues. Johnathon, my brother, who stepped up to drive me to two treatments after Mom wasn't able to and bought dinner for Lorissa and I a few times, Yummy ribs from Dreamland once. Joy, my sister, she couldn't be here to physically help but she called and called and listened and listened to me cry. Jennifer and Cheryl, these two beautiful, wonderful women, who I have known for 20+ years but lost contact with for 20 years, walked back into my life and talked me down off ledges many days, even if they didn't know it. Ed & Kim Strader, again from my high school days, these two amazing people, when I was diagnosed and then had my first treatment, were not only there as I walked a 5k I was supposed to have run, but were the driving force behind the R.B.R shirts. Bryen Grant who's Eye of the Tiger, RTR, RBR, and now his running became not just a reason to make me smile, but an inspiration to me, oh and he isn't a runner :).  Hell at this time, I might as well say the entire Duncan U. Fletcher Class of 1992. There are so many of them that FB brought back in my life, and so many of them who would send me words of encouragement, often at times when I would need them the most. GOOO SENATORS!  Rebecca Mauldin who made me the awesome hat that I can't wait to wear when it cools off some. Tina Diaz who made me the awesome Teal Ribbon blanket for chemo. My neighbors who cut my grass and took care of me when I stepped off into that dreaded hole and had to be rushed via ambulance to the ER. The Gadsden Runner's Club many of who don't know me very well, but many of who would check on me. The wonderful women I have met who are fighting or have fought Ovarian Cancer or another gynecological cancer, groups such as Teal Diva and Teal's the Deal. The awesome people I work with. ABC Enforcement is the best! I know it was hard for them, or maybe it wasn't, to take up my slack and hell let's be honest, when I am there I am a bit far off in my memory and function sometimes.  There are so many more and damned chemo brain is keeping them from coming to the forefront to be added.
I am lucky as well to have had such an amazing group of Drs around me in Gadsden and at UAB. Speaks volumes when your oncologist, who doesn't think you have cancer, can walk into your room after surgery and apologize because it was cancer.
I know that I have come out of this a survivor. I am blessed to be part of an elite group of cancer patients, women who have had the distinction of having Ovarian Cancer. I am part of an even more elite group in that I am right now, not part of the 70% who will not win their fight this year. I am part of the small 30% who survived this year and it is time, time to start living life.
If there is one thing that this as taught me, it is that life is short. I am only 39 but days after I turned 39 I was faced with the fact that my life could be taken away just like that. I have spent all of my life scared to do things because I was afraid I would look like a fool or just out of fear but no more. I have made the "bucket list" and I will begin checking them off. It might take me forever but I refuse to sit around and let life pass me by. As the Tim McGraw song says, it is time "To live like you were dying"