What a week it was last week. Starting on Tuesday when I went to the Dr for test results. Earlier in the month I had an appt with the gyn for the yearly. During the appt he ordered blood work to see if I was possible pre-menopausal. He also ordered an ultrasound. During the ultrasound they found a mass on my ovary and a fibroid on my uterus. He then added a CA-125 to my blood work. CA-125 is a blood test that can be used to test for ovarian cancer. What a wait that was..
Around the 19th I was on the phone with the Dr's office because I hadn't heard anything about the blood work, pap test was normal, but the blood work. The nurse just said, the Dr prefers to discuss the results in person, she just kept on, I made the appt but almost as soon as I hung up the phone my email notification went off on my phone. The email was from labcorp. For those who don't know lapcorp will allow you to view your test results when they come in. Yeah probably a good thing when you have thyroid issues like me, but not when you are waiting on some major test results like the CA-125. My heart sank when I opened the email. Thyroid was off..AGAIN, but everything else was normal, except for the CA-125. It was elevated. I started to cry, but just for a moment. I did some research and found it could be yes or it could be no because there are other things that can cause it to be elevated. The fact remained that I would have to wait to see the Dr to get his take on it.
Fast forward to the 26th. Dr appt. Another ultrasound before I even saw the Dr. As I waited to be taken to a room one of the nurses looked at me sad-eyed and asked if I was okay. I started to tear up. I knew then it wasn't good. They had me go back out the main waiting room while the Dr viewed the shots again. I was only there a few minutes when I was led to a room. Dr. Godfree said that the blood work was elevated, the ultrasound showed a fairly large mass on my left ovary and he recommended that I go to a gynecological oncologist. Funny I thought I was prepared to hear that but I wasn't, I still cried. He assured me that my age was in my favor because ovarian cancer is rare in someone who isn't in menopause, and he also said that if it was definitely ovarian cancer, he was fairly confident that we had found it in time. He had the nurses get on getting me an appt at UAB. As they led me to the exit talking to me about what they would do for me, and how they would say prayers for me I cried. I didn't sob, I just cried. I saved the sobbing for when I got to the car. The entire day I cried. At times it was just a little cry, others it was sobbing. Scared.....
As luck would have it the Dr at UAB had a cancellation the very next day and so I immediately jumped on it. Wednesday...I woke that morning nervous as hell. Mom went with me to Birmingham. Sitting in the waiting room I fought back tears. Being led to a room I fought back tears. The nurse assured me I was in the best place. Exam and then consultation....Dr feels there is a chance the mass is just endometrial but as he said he won't know for sure until he does surgery and/or the pathology report comes back. So April 15th I will have a full hysterectomy.
So now I wait. I felt better when I left that day. Since then I have had good moments, I have had moments where I cleaned the office due to stress, then there were days like today where I have been on the verge of tears all day. Truth be told I am scared. I will be scared until I have the surgery and I know, know for sure on way or another.
I have slacked all the past week but it is time to work my butt off until surgery day. I will have a few weeks, barring any complications, that I won't be able to work out HARD, I will still be able to do thinks like yoga and walking, but not any of the jarring workouts.
Fear does a lot to a person, I just hope that I am able to get through all of this, no matter the outcome, without driving myself crazy (crazier).
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Berry College Race Day.
Jessica Cornwell, on her 39th birthday drove 1 1/2 hours to Rome Georgia from Southside, AL to run in her first 5K. It was pitch black, except for the lightning that lit the sky.
It rained steadily even as I arrived at Berry College. I checked in and picked up my packet but by this time my feet were already wet, it was only 7am. The race had already been delayed by an hour at this time so I took my bag to my car and pinned my bib on. I then waited. I waited, and I waited some more.
I stayed in the gym for a bit, in the dry and warmth, but the amount of people in there was smothering. I walked outside to the runner's refreshments tent and got a drink. I walked back to the gym. I walked back outside and back to the runner's tent about an hour later, or at least it seemed. I then decided to find me a place, semi-dry because by this time NO PLACE was dry. Then it came, Half was cancelled. The 5K & 10K were still on tentatively, but, and the announcer made this clear, if there was one more lightning strike it was over. As if to test him, lightning streaked across the sky and thunder boomed. About 10 mins after the cancellation of the half came the announcement that and along with it my goal of running my first 5K as a birthday present to myself had ben cancelled. A young girl who was there to run her first 10K and I were both on the verge of tears. I am not sure if mine were because my hopes were dashed or because I was so freezing cold I thought I was going to die. Hell it was probably a combination of both.
Today though, I am sick. I could already feel myself trying to catch the stupid cold that has been going around work but I went anyway. Can I just say that water repellant it not good enough to keep you dry. I am not sure anything would have been good enough to keep me dry yesterday short of an indoors run and even that would have been questionable. I can say at least I followed through. I signed up, the day came and I got up at 3:30 in the morning, I drove to the race in the awful weather, I signed in and I stayed. I was prepared to run it. A year ago I would have never even signed up. I guess you could say I fought the battle and won right?
Now excuse me while I go take another dose of Nyquil.
It rained steadily even as I arrived at Berry College. I checked in and picked up my packet but by this time my feet were already wet, it was only 7am. The race had already been delayed by an hour at this time so I took my bag to my car and pinned my bib on. I then waited. I waited, and I waited some more.
I stayed in the gym for a bit, in the dry and warmth, but the amount of people in there was smothering. I walked outside to the runner's refreshments tent and got a drink. I walked back to the gym. I walked back outside and back to the runner's tent about an hour later, or at least it seemed. I then decided to find me a place, semi-dry because by this time NO PLACE was dry. Then it came, Half was cancelled. The 5K & 10K were still on tentatively, but, and the announcer made this clear, if there was one more lightning strike it was over. As if to test him, lightning streaked across the sky and thunder boomed. About 10 mins after the cancellation of the half came the announcement that and along with it my goal of running my first 5K as a birthday present to myself had ben cancelled. A young girl who was there to run her first 10K and I were both on the verge of tears. I am not sure if mine were because my hopes were dashed or because I was so freezing cold I thought I was going to die. Hell it was probably a combination of both.
Today though, I am sick. I could already feel myself trying to catch the stupid cold that has been going around work but I went anyway. Can I just say that water repellant it not good enough to keep you dry. I am not sure anything would have been good enough to keep me dry yesterday short of an indoors run and even that would have been questionable. I can say at least I followed through. I signed up, the day came and I got up at 3:30 in the morning, I drove to the race in the awful weather, I signed in and I stayed. I was prepared to run it. A year ago I would have never even signed up. I guess you could say I fought the battle and won right?
Now excuse me while I go take another dose of Nyquil.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Calories in, Calories out
Eat good calories, burn calories. Okay I do that. Yes I have days where I hit a bump. Days where dogs have seizures, or kids have issues. Days where because you are on your way to Birmingham to the ER you are forced to find something semi-okay calorie wise off the Jack's menu because nutritious isn't there. All in all though, I do well so I just don't understand. I don't.
The Dr said it would take a year to get my thyroid regulated. That was in 2011. Thyroid levels will be off, off, then ok, then ok, then back to bad. Well that has been the cycle for the last year and a half. On the last test my thyroid was .77, and that is pretty good, but yet I am still not losing weight and STILL feel like I have been hit by a truck. A BIG, FREAKING TRUCK that hit me at 100mph. Doc wanted to try me on a prescription that is normally given to people who suffer from nacrolepsy, shift work syndrome or obstructive sleep apnea. Insurance said NO. I was soooo looking forward to having even just a day, where I would be alert, I would be able to go to work for 9 hours, come home, workout, do homework and whatever else I need to do here, but apparently the insurance company knows everything about everything. Back to square one. Some people think sleep apnea and I guess when I can find someone to stay with kids I will have the sleep study done, but I seriously do not think that is it. I sleep deep, very deep, so deep that there are times I don't even hear the alarm clock. I just wonder how much longer I can do this? I am ready to cry over it as it is. What do I need to do fall asleep driving?
Back to the weight loss though, my first 5k is in 3 weeks. Actually this Saturday it will be 2 weeks away. I had this vision in my head that I would be running it minus at least 40 pounds. Of course I never thought that I would be running it alone either. Wait I never thought I was going to run one period. When I signed up for it though, I thought "I can do this." and I can, then I thought "I will do this and I will do it okay", then I thought "I will really do this okay because I will get more weight off and that will help", and now I am like "Shit, this race is right here and it is going to hurt". I WILL finish and I guess for my first race I will do ehhh, but I want better than ehh, just like I want my grades this semester to be all A's but in reality I have A's and B's. Instead of getting excited about the race I am starting to worry that people are going to look at my fat ass and think "Really? She thinks she is going to do this?" I know I am too tough on myself. I know, always have been, a huge fault of mine, but I don't want to fail. Finishing though isn't failing right? That is all I need to do right now, FINISH. I know this, but I don't want it to take an hour. There is a possibility I will do better than I am expecting myself to do, but I just want to be able to go in there as confident as I went into my midterm yesterday.
Wow this one has been long and hasn't been exactly a pleasant experience to write or for the few that read to read. I realize that I am my own worst enemy. (Yes I sung that line). I just want to prove to those around me that I can do this, but most of all I want to prove to myself that I can do this. For so many years I was the fat girl, the nice girl but I am tired of that. I want to be the nice girl, the healthy girl, but the girl who DID IT! I just need things to start cooperating. :(
Tomorrow....Calories in, Calories out right?
The Dr said it would take a year to get my thyroid regulated. That was in 2011. Thyroid levels will be off, off, then ok, then ok, then back to bad. Well that has been the cycle for the last year and a half. On the last test my thyroid was .77, and that is pretty good, but yet I am still not losing weight and STILL feel like I have been hit by a truck. A BIG, FREAKING TRUCK that hit me at 100mph. Doc wanted to try me on a prescription that is normally given to people who suffer from nacrolepsy, shift work syndrome or obstructive sleep apnea. Insurance said NO. I was soooo looking forward to having even just a day, where I would be alert, I would be able to go to work for 9 hours, come home, workout, do homework and whatever else I need to do here, but apparently the insurance company knows everything about everything. Back to square one. Some people think sleep apnea and I guess when I can find someone to stay with kids I will have the sleep study done, but I seriously do not think that is it. I sleep deep, very deep, so deep that there are times I don't even hear the alarm clock. I just wonder how much longer I can do this? I am ready to cry over it as it is. What do I need to do fall asleep driving?
Back to the weight loss though, my first 5k is in 3 weeks. Actually this Saturday it will be 2 weeks away. I had this vision in my head that I would be running it minus at least 40 pounds. Of course I never thought that I would be running it alone either. Wait I never thought I was going to run one period. When I signed up for it though, I thought "I can do this." and I can, then I thought "I will do this and I will do it okay", then I thought "I will really do this okay because I will get more weight off and that will help", and now I am like "Shit, this race is right here and it is going to hurt". I WILL finish and I guess for my first race I will do ehhh, but I want better than ehh, just like I want my grades this semester to be all A's but in reality I have A's and B's. Instead of getting excited about the race I am starting to worry that people are going to look at my fat ass and think "Really? She thinks she is going to do this?" I know I am too tough on myself. I know, always have been, a huge fault of mine, but I don't want to fail. Finishing though isn't failing right? That is all I need to do right now, FINISH. I know this, but I don't want it to take an hour. There is a possibility I will do better than I am expecting myself to do, but I just want to be able to go in there as confident as I went into my midterm yesterday.
Wow this one has been long and hasn't been exactly a pleasant experience to write or for the few that read to read. I realize that I am my own worst enemy. (Yes I sung that line). I just want to prove to those around me that I can do this, but most of all I want to prove to myself that I can do this. For so many years I was the fat girl, the nice girl but I am tired of that. I want to be the nice girl, the healthy girl, but the girl who DID IT! I just need things to start cooperating. :(
Tomorrow....Calories in, Calories out right?
Saturday, March 2, 2013
I've faltered
At the beginning of this week I was down 21 pounds since Oct. I am still down 20 but the 1 pound came back and I know why.
Starting Tuesday my world has gone crazy. So I've been emotional eating. I realize this and yet I don't want to stop it. I can feel depression knocking on my door, rather loudly. For instance, today all I've wanted to do is sleep. I've managed to get a little school work done but things I need to do, like laundry or things I want to do like workout, I've not had the drive to do. The food I have chosen has not been the best, well dinner wasn't too awful bad, but it is the in between foods that are killing me today and yesterday and the day before. Stress has always been something I've struggled to deal with but this stress is almost crippling.
I am also PMSing and it SUCKS! Spent a few years not having that issue and the last few months it has kicked in and up and I am ready for it to STOP!.
I need to learn to NOT let all of this get me, and knock me out of my new lifestyle. I need to learn to find other ways to deal with it, to beat the depression, the stress, the pms. Deep down I know that it would help to workout, and I guess that is where having a workout partner would be a blessing, but because I don't I need to find the fight within myself.
That being said, is it time for bed yet?
Starting Tuesday my world has gone crazy. So I've been emotional eating. I realize this and yet I don't want to stop it. I can feel depression knocking on my door, rather loudly. For instance, today all I've wanted to do is sleep. I've managed to get a little school work done but things I need to do, like laundry or things I want to do like workout, I've not had the drive to do. The food I have chosen has not been the best, well dinner wasn't too awful bad, but it is the in between foods that are killing me today and yesterday and the day before. Stress has always been something I've struggled to deal with but this stress is almost crippling.
I am also PMSing and it SUCKS! Spent a few years not having that issue and the last few months it has kicked in and up and I am ready for it to STOP!.
I need to learn to NOT let all of this get me, and knock me out of my new lifestyle. I need to learn to find other ways to deal with it, to beat the depression, the stress, the pms. Deep down I know that it would help to workout, and I guess that is where having a workout partner would be a blessing, but because I don't I need to find the fight within myself.
That being said, is it time for bed yet?
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