Fears and Tears

I want to write a meaningful post, one in which I discuss my fears. The fear that I have that the PET scan will show something more than Stage 1. The fear that I have of the port and the chemo. The fear that I have of losing my hair and how worried I am that I will look awful bald. The fear that I will be like a lot of people and lose what little bit of financial wiggle room I have from my little pay. Fear that I will make my daughters teenage years tougher and she will resent me even though I have vowed to try not to let my cancer interfere with her childhood.

I also want to write in that post about the tears I shed yesterday over losing my hair and how awful I will look. The tears I shed over how much everything will cost and the strain I am already putting on my family and my friends, even if imagined. Tears that contain my fears, the largest of my fears, my self doubt. Yes I doubt whether or not I can do this, whether or not the strength everyone else says they see in me is actually real or if it is just a great façade I have managed to build and use to fool everyone else.

I want to be that person everyday who fights and is able to push through it all but I do know that I can't be that person all day, every day. Tonight however, I want to dream that I lose my hair and am able to see beauty in me where others may not. I want to dream that I am able to take on anything that is thrown at me and more and come out on top and I want to dream that my experiences no matter whether they are the drug addict ex or cancer can one day help someone else who may see themselves in a similar situation.

Sweet dreams and good health

Will I ever feel "normal" again?

I missed posting yesterday because I was totally and completely, utterly exhausted. I had a lot to do at work which was great, but I only managed to last until about 3:15. I walked in the door, came in and laid down and my daughter was in a talkative mood so no much needed nap. That didn't come until about 5:00 when in the middle of homework I fell asleep.

Today was pretty much the same except I stayed until about 3:45 and haven't fallen asleep yet although I have been well on my way many, many times since I walked in the door. I wonder if it will get better before it gets worse OR if I will even come close to feeling better before chemo starts which brings my next subject....

When will I start chemo? Seems to be the question of the year. Is it possible that I can get it in on the 9th, the 10th? I go to Florida on the 16th so it needs to be done by the 13th at the latest right? DAMN CANCER! YOU SUCK!

BUT my tape is off! Started to say my stitches were out, but I really think they just super glued me back together. I kind of feel like Humpty Dumpty. I was scared they were going to bleed or something but so far so good. Still tender. Makes me want to wear a dress to work tomorrow, but I don't want to wear heels tomorrow so what to do?

Also did email NOCC about the possibility of starting one of their chapters in this side of the world, and I got a response back but I haven't really read it yet. Guess I should get to it but I feel sleep taking hold. PLEASE let that mean I am in for a good, restful sleep tonight.

Til later.

Day before I return to work

I am so ready to get back to work, except for the little bit of pain and the mood swings and the hot flashes. I think I will welcome the distraction. Of course where I thought I was finished with a couple of classes I actually found that I have a couple more assignments due and of course they are due THIS WEEK. UGH! I am ready for this semester to be over with, which reminds me, I need to take advantage of my scholarship, if at all possible, for one class during the summer.

I was on the American Cancer Society's website tonight and went to a site linked from their page that specializes in wigs, hats, scarves and some jewelry. I was suddenly reminded that I may need a medical alert bracelet depending on how the Dr does the port for the chemo. One more added expense to my already growing list. BTW someone may need to send me this list at a later day to make sure I have everything. There are so many things that I will HAVE to HAVE that maybe this one can be a "if I can afford it", maybe it is just cheaper to leave a note in my car or something that says "hey I have cancer, receive chemo and my port is.....". It isn't like most people won't know and rescue needs to know it will mean that I am alone and in my car. Hmmm is there an app for that?

Went to my family practice Dr today because of the fever. My right lung is a little tight and even though they don't think I have pneumonia they did change my antibiotic to something that would cover my lungs as well. They also gave me a prescription of Xanax to get me through until May 8th and we figure out the mood swings. The poor nurse practitioner I see, Misty, was floored when she heard my diagnosis. She actually teared up and then when my actual Dr came in, he was just as shocked. I did laughingly tell them "It wasn't sleep apnea". They got a laugh and it is like I told them, it isn't like they would have any clue to look for Ovarian Cancer. I didn't give them any symptoms other than the lack of weight loss and being tired all of the time. They couldn't have known and really would they have been able to stop it? No. Cancer does what it wants.

Well going to try to shower tonight and see if it gives the hot flashes a break. I am going to take a Xanax and see if I can get a little sleep. I am in for a big day tomorrow.  :) 

Many thoughts and so much to do

I have had a ton of thoughts pop into my head about what I wanted to write about tonight. I knew that I should have started this post earlier and then just updated it as the day progressed because now, at 10:16pm, I am having trouble remembering what those thoughts were.

First, the fever is back. I just don't understand. I didn't run one the entire day, I didn't "run the roads" as Mom calls it. As a matter of fact I took it crazy easy today. I was going to make an appt with my family practice Dr tomorrow about getting something to temporarily help my moods until I find out about hormone replacement. I have read that I can't take hormone meds until I finish chemo so I guess that will be something I will discuss on May 8th when I go back to Dr. Straughn. I guess Dr. Ayres can try to help me figure out what the fever is from. Knowing my luck it is sinuses.

Second, I started making a list of things I wanted to do and things I needed to get before I started chemo. They are really stupid...
1) New pillows. My pillows are two yrs old and have lost their fluff. I washed them about a month ago and it worked for about a week but then flattened out again. Think it is time to reinvest.
2) Paint my bedroom. I know that for about 2 days almost straight, if not more, I will be spending a great deal of time in here and it would be nice if it were a real color and the one wall of wallpaper was gone.
3) Find proper a proper nightstand. Right now this room is a piece meal furniture and my nightstand is an end table which I hate. It blocks the closet door and is more in the way than not.
4) Find two scarves in basic colors. Scarves targeted to people with cancer are outrageously expensive so I am on a mission to find just a couple basic ones that aren't going to cost $60 each.
5) I want a new tattoo. I know it isn't going to happen, but I want one.
The next few are strictly related to chemo.
I read an article from the American Cancer Society and apparently my chemo is dangerous to those around me so I am going to have to invest in
6) Clorox Wipes
7) Long Rubber Gloves
8) Disposable latex Gloves
Then for me because the chemo can cause mouth sores and dry out your skin
9) Extra soft bristle toothbrush
10) Biotene Mouthwash
11) Really good lotions - thinking Body Shop Body Butter.

There are more to add to the list I am sure but those are the ones I have remembered to write down today.

Third....While I didn't cry as much today over having cancer, I did find myself get very jealous of people I saw running in the neighborhood today. This latest and greatest attempt at running is my third and it seems like every time something knocks me back down. Well as soon as I get back to it I am going to. I may be even slower than I was, and I was damn slow, but I will do it. Or at least I want to do it. I know that right now I can't run but will I be able to run while I am doing chemo? I guess that is a question for the Dr.

I read also that I need to get my teeth cleaned before chemo because I can't while I am in treatment. I wonder if BCBS will allow me to move my cleaning up by 2 months. Probably not. I wonder what the cost is for a cleaning. Note to self - Call Dentist

Well I suppose I should make an attempt at sleeping. Last night was a horrible night so I desperately need this to be a good night.

Sleep Tight.

The Mood Swings Have Started

From the get-go this morning it wasn't good. I started by yelling at the cable company, no cussing at the cable company I never yelled and then came the tears, then the becoming so angry at a waiter that I had to leave the table in order to avoid going all exorcist on him., more tears, and more tears and more tears.

I cried this morning because I didn't know why I was crying. I cried because I have cancer. I cried because, well damn it I don't know why.

In addition to the mood swings came the hot flashes. WTH? Going from wearing a jacket because it was chilly outside to wanting to peel off every layer of clothing I could and take an ice bath. This is AWFUL!

Tonight brought the fever back again. I managed to avoid running one yesterday but it came back tonight knocking me on my butt. Placed a call to the Dr who stated that because I am not having any other symptoms, other than fever it could be anything. Anything from inflammation to infection for which I am already on an antibiotic.

Just ready, so ready to be healed from the surgery so I can move on to the next battle. For now I just hope tomorrow will be a better day.

One day I will listen

Every day since I've been home from the hospital I've done something. I've gotten my hair cut, I've gone to the office, and today I ran a few errands although made up, and made it to Fiesta Friday but I am paying for it all.

The swelling has gone down some. I joked in the beginning that I looked like I was ready to give birth, then I was 6 mths pregnant, today I said I looked 4. Improvement. Today I've only taken as of 10pm 1 pain pill all day. Improvement. Of course I am taking one SOON! When I left this morning Mom and I stopped to get a card for my gyn Dr. Godfree, we stopped by Payless because I was wearing flip flops and it was raining and cold and Mother said I needed shoes, dropped the card off at the Dr's office, stopped by Hobby Lobby, went for lunch, stopped by Martin's all before 1:00. By the time I got home I was extremely sore. So sore in fact that I walked in the door and went straight to bed and slept for about 2 hours. When I woke I felt great so my stupid butt decided we were going to keep with our new Friday tradition and go for Mexican. That was probably the nail in the coffin. I am currently counting down time when I can take a pain pill. Stupid, stupid me.

I keep telling Mom that they told me to walk, they told me to move, but Mom keeps reminding me that they didn't tell me to run the road. What am I supposed to do? I get crazy being confined to the house, cabin fever I tell you!

However it dawned on me tonight that I must get better about listening. I know I can't do this when I start chemo, especially after Mom told me that the Dr had told them that he would probably put a port in my chest or in my side for chemo. I can't expect to do chemo one day and spend the day of and the few days after running the roads. Anyway she tells me this tonight and my first question was, "Will I be able to workout like I was?" UGH! I know the answer, Probably not. Especially not burpees and such. SUCKS!

Adopting a new motto though, "Cancer you picked the wrong BITCH". :)  Saw it on cafepress on a decal and I think I want it, and about a million more. It is true though. I need to get my head straight and get moving. I refuse to give up the strength I was gaining before cancer and I refuse to let cancer win.

Today was a GOOD DAY!

By now anyone who is close to me, who is family, or who bothers to read my blog or what I post on facebook, or cares what I post on facebook knows that I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. Dr. Straughn my gynecological oncologist was so shocked it was cancer that on Tuesday, the day after my hysterectomy, that when he came by for morning rounds he apologized. Initially, in addition to the cancer in my ovary he was worried about a lymph node that looked suspicious and he biopsied the fatty tissue surrounding the area. There were people around me who took it hard, Adam, Joy, Lorissa, Jenn, and then some who expected it, Mom, and then there was me. When Adam told me what the Dr. thought the diagnosis was going to be he choked up. I told him he didn't have to finish because I knew and I did. Lorissa took it hard but yesterday, as awful as it sounds, I told her that enough was enough and it was time to dry those tears because tears weren't going to help me fight.

When I say I knew, I knew. As soon as the CA-125 came back elevated, I knew. No one else may have known but I knew and maybe that is what was important. I hate that everyone else was blind-sided but deep down it was what I knew that was important. There is a part of me that wants to go to my regular Dr. and say, "See I told you there was a medical reason I couldn't lose weight and why I was tired all of the time, and it wasn't sleep apnea.:, but what else could he do? I didn't fit the "criteria" for ovarian cancer. I had the symptoms and maybe if I had gone in and said I have lower back pain, and pelvic pain, and bloating, and pain in my leg and I am tired all of the time, and I can't lose weight, I don't eat much and when I do my stomach rumbles like a volcano because I am having digestive issues, that I am constipated but think I have to pee all of the time, if I had told him all of those maybe he would have known, but I had a reason for everything other than the battle with losing weight and the tiredness. I do think he will be more cautious with me because we all know that once you have cancer once you are more like to have another and once you have ovarian you are more likely to have breast cancer.

Anyway fast forward to today. I waited all day, all day to hear from the Dr. I ate a little bit of pizza and I mean a little because all I can seem to eat is just a little. On the drive home I called the Dr's office and left a message for the nurse. She called back at 2:29 and said that Dr. Straughn had gotten results back late Wednesday that he had been in surgery this morning and that she believed he was calling patients today. She said she would email him and give him my cell number to call me back on. I waited the rest of the afternoon. Pain pill kicked in so I laid down for about 30 mins, got back up and decided I would eat a chicken wing or two. I actually had 5 on the plate. I had eaten two and had taken a bite off the 3rd one when the phone rang. Dr. Straughn, it was 6:18. The news he gave me was much better than I could have hoped for. Where he was worried it was Stage 2 or Stage 3, it was Stage 1. I still have to go through 6 months of chemo but so much better than it could have been.

The 5 year survival rate for Stage 1, Grade 1 is 89%, better than 65ish% for Stage 2 and the 34ish % for Stage 3. I will take those odds. Actually I was going to take any odds and I was going to beat them. I was going to fight and I am still going to fight. I was going to win and I am still going to win. However, now I have a new mission. I want to save lives. I want to educate women, all people on this. If it hadn't been for a couple of symptoms I couldn't push off on something else, and a Dr. who is ready for retirement, I could have had a harder time fighting this battle and I could have lost. I owe so much for this diagnosis. Now if this swelling would go down and the little bit of pain I am having would go away I would be SOOOO much better!

So my blog will probably take a new direction for a while. I will still write about working out, and weight loss but there will be additions that will cover chemo and my journey. This is just another chapter right? Another leg of the journey we call life.

Thank you everyone who prayed and wished me well. I wish that I could bottle all of the positive energy y'all have given me over this week and give it away. Not everyone is as fortunate as I am to be surrounded by such wonderful people and that is sad. I hope that I can be that supportive to people when they need me.

Pain pill is kicking back in and fever is coming back up so maybe it is time to finish this rambling. Tonight hug your kids tight and tell your loved ones, friends and family you love them, and know that I love you all!

Please read

This is my speech I gave last Friday for my speech class.

Ovarian Cancer- It is YOUR life

According to the Ovarian Cancer National Alliance ovarian cancer is the 8^{th most common cancer in the United States, the 5th leading cause of death in women, and the #1 leading cause of gynecological death. The symptoms of Ovarian Cancer are so few and so quiet that unless we as women pay attention to our bodies, we run the risk of suffering from a disease that if not diagnosed in the early stages, can ultimately take our lives from us.}

The number of women diagnosed in 2009 with ovarian cancer was 20,460. It seems like a relatively low number but in 2009 14,436 women died from this disease. It is projected that this year alone the number of cases diagnosed will be 22,240 while 14,030 will die. In the last 40 years the mortality rate has NOT improved as it has with other cancers. According to the Ovarian Cancer National Alliance 1 in 72 women run the risk of developing invasive ovarian cancer and 1 in 95 women run the risk of dying from invasive ovarian cancer. These are odds aren’t very good.

The CDC lists the symptoms of ovarian cancer as abnormal vaginal bleeding or discharge, pelvic pain or pressure, abdominal or back pain, bloating, persistent lack of energy and changes in bathroom habits such as constipation and frequent urination. It is easy to see how a woman can have any, or possibly all of these symptoms and shrug them off. These could be symptoms of anything, even a mainstream stomach virus.
Risk factors for ovarian cancer – Middle-aged or older, close family members, on either side, with a history of ovarian cancer, breast cancer or colorectal cancer, Eastern European Jewish background, have never given birth or have had trouble getting pregnant, have had endometriosis, and are obese. Having one of these risk factors doesn’t mean you will get ovarian cancer but also NOT having a risk factor doesn’t mean you will be fortunate enough to not have to face this disease.


While there has been huge advances made in detecting most cancers unfortunately there are no concrete screenings for Ovarian Cancer. There is a blood test, CA-125, that was hoped to be an ovarian cancer marker. While it does help to diagnose at times, and helps in the treatment of women already diagnosed, this cancer antigen protein can become elevated for a number of reason and so it isn’t the widely used as means to diagnose. Transvaginal ultrasounds, if a mass is suspected, can give Dr’s a view of the reproductive system, specifically the ovaries, and although there is a difference between a normal cyst and an abnormal cyst, a diagnosis of malignancy can’t be given with this test so even it isn’t 100% effective. The BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 test can help to give a woman a slight edge, because a woman who has the breast cancer mutation is also at a high risk of developing ovarian cancer but ultimately it is up to us women to listen to our bodies and push the issue if we are experiencing any of the symptoms.

While ovarian cancer is most common in women over the age of 40, women of any age, including young girls, can be diagnosed. However, per the Siteman Cancer Center at Washington University School of Medicine, the majority of cases are diagnosed in women over the age of 45 with the median age being 63. Most cases of ovarian cancer are not diagnosed until Stage III or Stage IV. By this time, especially by Stage IV the survival rate is very low. When diagnosed at Stage I or Stage II the survival rate is 90%, however according to cancer.org, the American Cancer Society’s website, the survival rate for invasive ovarian cancer at Stage III is 34% and at Stage IV it drops to a scary 18%. 18%? This is should hardly be acceptable to a woman when it comes to her life.

But what can we do to improve our odds? The most important factor in diagnosis is listening to our bodies and our intuition. This is hard for us because as women we are faced with a million things we must do every day. Family, work, we have a tendency to ignore what our bodies are telling us. No matter our age, our income, or family status, we can wake one day with the possibility of ovarian cancer staring us in the face. I know this because I am there now. For months I have been having all of the symptoms I listed, and for months I found another reason as to what could be the cause for example I work out too much, I haven’t lost enough weight, I am eating more vegetables, stress and then one simple Dr’s visit changed everything. I went in trying to push the issue of being tired all of the time. After a transvaginal ultrasound the Dr ordered the CA-125 test. Two weeks later I was informed that there is a mass on my ovary and that my CA-125 levels are elevated. I was referred to a gynecological oncologist at UAB who will be performing surgery on Monday to find out for sure if the mass I have is cancer because unfortunately this is the only way to know for sure. The Dr is confident that if it is malignant I could have saved my own life. I pushed the issue of being tired all of the time, even though I attributed it to other reasons but because I pushed he went a little further and delved deeper. I urge ALL women, ALL of you, listen to your body and listen to your instincts this is the only way to absolutely give yourself a fighting chance. And if you are diagnosed, spread the word because in the end you may very well be saving a life of a friend, loved one or even a stranger.