Cancer has this crazy effect of making you suddenly realize that life is short and things that were important don't seem as much as important as before and all of those things you secretly dreamed or said one day you would do suddenly are first in your mind. As I neared the end of chemo I started making a list of all the things I have wanted to do but didn't out of fear or because there was always something more else to do. I have learned that I don't need to wait or shouldn't have waited on cancer to make things important.
My goal is to finish this list and to continue to add to it.
1) See a size 10 (or smaller)
2) Go ziplining
3) Go sky diving (even though I am insanely scared of heights)
4) See Ireland & England
5) Be Healy
6) Do one 5k a month for a year
7) Do a mud race
8) Learn to an instrument
9) Refresh my Spanish
10) Learn some Italian
11) Get my degree
12) New Year's in Times Square
13) Meet Donnie Wahlberg & speak to him
14) Educate people about Ovarian Cancer (daily if possible)
15) Learn to sew well
16) Hike part of the Appalachian trail
17) Go to Disney World with the family
18) Learn to swim
19) Read as many of the "classics" as I can
20) See the Yankees & The Red Sox play
21) Drive an antique Corvette
22) See University of Alabama play AT HOME
23) See Wicked
24) Stay at a haunted hotel in Louisiana
25) Mardi Gras ( I realize I am old but I just wanna do it ONCE)
26) Camp as much as I can & in as many states as I can
27) Take dance lessons
28) Take a Tai Chi class
29) See Lorissa graduate from college & get married
30) Wear a formal dress for something..anything
31) Masquerade Ball
32) Have a complete makeover
33) Learn how to use chopsticks
34) Build something, anything
35) Ride a train
36) Visit Northern California (where Mom lived as a child)
37) Find my older, half-brother.
38) Spend more time with Kevin, Katie & Levi
39) Go hunting
40) Go shooting
41) Learn to crochet well
42) Go back to Vegas
So since I made this list a couple of things can be checked off. I am fortunate to have been able to spend Thanksgiving with Katie, Kevin and lovable Levi AND crazy exciting is that the brother I found out about year & years ago is no longer a mystery. Fortunately he has an amazing, resourceful wife who was able to track us down.
So now I need to get busy checking some other things off and adding more to the list. Of course some are works in progress and some may need to wait until January 15th for that 4 mth check up. Little by little though, if at all possible, I will start living life instead of just visiting every once in a while.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
In Remission
Last night I walked outside to take the newest puppy out again. As I stood there waiting for her to do her business I looked up at the beautiful, glowing harvest moon and for the first time in 6 months I felt like I could breathe. I had almost the same thing happen just a few minutes ago. I again, was outside with the dogs and decided to enjoy the coolness of the morning. I sat at the patio table and this feeling of release swept over me. I stopped for a moment and listened to the life around me. The birds chirping, the squirrels doing what they do, a woodpecker in a neighbor's tree, things that I have not listened for in 6 months.
For 6 months I have ben consumed first by the "what if I have cancer", then the "wow I have cancer", then treatments and side effects. I have looked in the mirror with every treatment and not realized the woman standing in front of me as chemo took my hair from all over and steroids added to my weight. I have laid in bed at night and cried because of the bone pain and because of what cancer was doing to me mentally. I have cried during waking hours to and apologized profusely to those around me for what my illness was doing to their lives. I have worried about the bills that I knew were going to come in and how I was going to pay for them even though I have insurance. I have stressed over the cost of what it was taking to get me to eat and drink between chemo treatments.
There were days when all of this, when cancer would become so overwhelming that I would cry and wonder what I didn't just let it take me. When I would think that people would have it easier if they didn't have to take care of me. I mean what 15 yr old wants to take care of their mom and hear her cry over and over again because of the pain?
When I would have these moments I was so blessed to have some amazing people around me. Adam, who even though he was away for 90% of treatment made sure that I had what I needed to make it through. Lorissa, yes she drove me crazy some days being her normal teenage self, but she really tried to step up and take care of me the 4 days after chemo. Mom, who even though she was only able to drive me to two treatments, still made the majority of them and worried about me even though she was/is going through her own health issues. Johnathon, my brother, who stepped up to drive me to two treatments after Mom wasn't able to and bought dinner for Lorissa and I a few times, Yummy ribs from Dreamland once. Joy, my sister, she couldn't be here to physically help but she called and called and listened and listened to me cry. Jennifer and Cheryl, these two beautiful, wonderful women, who I have known for 20+ years but lost contact with for 20 years, walked back into my life and talked me down off ledges many days, even if they didn't know it. Ed & Kim Strader, again from my high school days, these two amazing people, when I was diagnosed and then had my first treatment, were not only there as I walked a 5k I was supposed to have run, but were the driving force behind the R.B.R shirts. Bryen Grant who's Eye of the Tiger, RTR, RBR, and now his running became not just a reason to make me smile, but an inspiration to me, oh and he isn't a runner :). Hell at this time, I might as well say the entire Duncan U. Fletcher Class of 1992. There are so many of them that FB brought back in my life, and so many of them who would send me words of encouragement, often at times when I would need them the most. GOOO SENATORS! Rebecca Mauldin who made me the awesome hat that I can't wait to wear when it cools off some. Tina Diaz who made me the awesome Teal Ribbon blanket for chemo. My neighbors who cut my grass and took care of me when I stepped off into that dreaded hole and had to be rushed via ambulance to the ER. The Gadsden Runner's Club many of who don't know me very well, but many of who would check on me. The wonderful women I have met who are fighting or have fought Ovarian Cancer or another gynecological cancer, groups such as Teal Diva and Teal's the Deal. The awesome people I work with. ABC Enforcement is the best! I know it was hard for them, or maybe it wasn't, to take up my slack and hell let's be honest, when I am there I am a bit far off in my memory and function sometimes. There are so many more and damned chemo brain is keeping them from coming to the forefront to be added.
I am lucky as well to have had such an amazing group of Drs around me in Gadsden and at UAB. Speaks volumes when your oncologist, who doesn't think you have cancer, can walk into your room after surgery and apologize because it was cancer.
I know that I have come out of this a survivor. I am blessed to be part of an elite group of cancer patients, women who have had the distinction of having Ovarian Cancer. I am part of an even more elite group in that I am right now, not part of the 70% who will not win their fight this year. I am part of the small 30% who survived this year and it is time, time to start living life.
If there is one thing that this as taught me, it is that life is short. I am only 39 but days after I turned 39 I was faced with the fact that my life could be taken away just like that. I have spent all of my life scared to do things because I was afraid I would look like a fool or just out of fear but no more. I have made the "bucket list" and I will begin checking them off. It might take me forever but I refuse to sit around and let life pass me by. As the Tim McGraw song says, it is time "To live like you were dying"
For 6 months I have ben consumed first by the "what if I have cancer", then the "wow I have cancer", then treatments and side effects. I have looked in the mirror with every treatment and not realized the woman standing in front of me as chemo took my hair from all over and steroids added to my weight. I have laid in bed at night and cried because of the bone pain and because of what cancer was doing to me mentally. I have cried during waking hours to and apologized profusely to those around me for what my illness was doing to their lives. I have worried about the bills that I knew were going to come in and how I was going to pay for them even though I have insurance. I have stressed over the cost of what it was taking to get me to eat and drink between chemo treatments.
There were days when all of this, when cancer would become so overwhelming that I would cry and wonder what I didn't just let it take me. When I would think that people would have it easier if they didn't have to take care of me. I mean what 15 yr old wants to take care of their mom and hear her cry over and over again because of the pain?
When I would have these moments I was so blessed to have some amazing people around me. Adam, who even though he was away for 90% of treatment made sure that I had what I needed to make it through. Lorissa, yes she drove me crazy some days being her normal teenage self, but she really tried to step up and take care of me the 4 days after chemo. Mom, who even though she was only able to drive me to two treatments, still made the majority of them and worried about me even though she was/is going through her own health issues. Johnathon, my brother, who stepped up to drive me to two treatments after Mom wasn't able to and bought dinner for Lorissa and I a few times, Yummy ribs from Dreamland once. Joy, my sister, she couldn't be here to physically help but she called and called and listened and listened to me cry. Jennifer and Cheryl, these two beautiful, wonderful women, who I have known for 20+ years but lost contact with for 20 years, walked back into my life and talked me down off ledges many days, even if they didn't know it. Ed & Kim Strader, again from my high school days, these two amazing people, when I was diagnosed and then had my first treatment, were not only there as I walked a 5k I was supposed to have run, but were the driving force behind the R.B.R shirts. Bryen Grant who's Eye of the Tiger, RTR, RBR, and now his running became not just a reason to make me smile, but an inspiration to me, oh and he isn't a runner :). Hell at this time, I might as well say the entire Duncan U. Fletcher Class of 1992. There are so many of them that FB brought back in my life, and so many of them who would send me words of encouragement, often at times when I would need them the most. GOOO SENATORS! Rebecca Mauldin who made me the awesome hat that I can't wait to wear when it cools off some. Tina Diaz who made me the awesome Teal Ribbon blanket for chemo. My neighbors who cut my grass and took care of me when I stepped off into that dreaded hole and had to be rushed via ambulance to the ER. The Gadsden Runner's Club many of who don't know me very well, but many of who would check on me. The wonderful women I have met who are fighting or have fought Ovarian Cancer or another gynecological cancer, groups such as Teal Diva and Teal's the Deal. The awesome people I work with. ABC Enforcement is the best! I know it was hard for them, or maybe it wasn't, to take up my slack and hell let's be honest, when I am there I am a bit far off in my memory and function sometimes. There are so many more and damned chemo brain is keeping them from coming to the forefront to be added.
I am lucky as well to have had such an amazing group of Drs around me in Gadsden and at UAB. Speaks volumes when your oncologist, who doesn't think you have cancer, can walk into your room after surgery and apologize because it was cancer.
I know that I have come out of this a survivor. I am blessed to be part of an elite group of cancer patients, women who have had the distinction of having Ovarian Cancer. I am part of an even more elite group in that I am right now, not part of the 70% who will not win their fight this year. I am part of the small 30% who survived this year and it is time, time to start living life.
If there is one thing that this as taught me, it is that life is short. I am only 39 but days after I turned 39 I was faced with the fact that my life could be taken away just like that. I have spent all of my life scared to do things because I was afraid I would look like a fool or just out of fear but no more. I have made the "bucket list" and I will begin checking them off. It might take me forever but I refuse to sit around and let life pass me by. As the Tim McGraw song says, it is time "To live like you were dying"
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Six is in the BAG
On Tuesday August 27th, 2013 my nurse Karen hooked up my IV for what I hope will be the last time FOREVER! I shared that day with Linda a woman maybe a bit older than me who was getting treatment for cervical cancer who was there with her teen daughter. She was the first of us this day to finish but she had already gotten radiation that morning as well. There was Mrs. Weeks who came over for treatment from Columbus, GA. She is much older than me, at least old enough to be my mother, and is in treatment for ovarian cancer. She is dependent on a son to bring her to treatment and she and her family are still in the process of finding a nursing home for her husband who had a stroke a few years before. There was myself and then there was a woman named Kelly. Kelly was accompanied by her husband and sister and was I figure, 5-10 years younger than me and in treatment for cervical cancer. She and her husband have a little boy who had just started school this year. Kelly was very sick, very, very sick. She was so sick that she had to be brought up in a wheel chair and her speech was so slurred that I could only make out a few words here and there. It broke my heart to see her like this. I wanted so much to be able to take her disease away from her and take it on myself. I felt guilty that I was going to get to ring the bell and she wasn't, that Linda wasn't and that Mrs. Weeks who was supposed to be ringing, wasn't and although I was half tempted to skip it, I didn't.
Side effects since chemo:
My nails. They look diseased and if they just touch something they break. One broke today down so low I was afraid it was going to bleed. Tomorrow I must file and paint what I have left so as not to scare people I come in contact with.
I have found orange soda to be the most awesome thing ever invented and I have found more weight. All total treatment has given me 20 pounds. I talked to Dr. Straughn who said in about 3 weeks I can really hit the weight loss hard. Now I plan on working to make changes starting tomorrow but I guess I need an all clear before I can commence crazy mode.
The neuropathy is like torture. Walking today felt like I was walking on a continual bed of straight pins. I tried 3 different pairs of shoes today, two of which had to be bought because we weren't home for me to switch them out. My Granny had diabetic neuropathy and I always used to wonder what it really felt like even though I felt I could imagine, well never in my imagination did I think that it would be like this.
The bone pain is equally as bad. It hit sooner, with more ferocity and seems to be lasting longer. It was so bad Friday night I took a sleeping pill and then last night I took a pain pill I had left from my sprain and yet sleep eluded me both nights. I had intentions of taking two sleeping pills tonight but it was so late I was scared to. I hope that it will decide to stop tonight so that I can sleep.
There are the other things too, the nausea, the chemo brain and the acne. Oh the acne!. UGH! And all of the other crap that goes along with being sick, all of it is there but I hope that it is on its way out.
Cancer sucks, chemo sucks and I am forever changed because of it. Good or bad changes, I am changed.
Side effects since chemo:
My nails. They look diseased and if they just touch something they break. One broke today down so low I was afraid it was going to bleed. Tomorrow I must file and paint what I have left so as not to scare people I come in contact with.
I have found orange soda to be the most awesome thing ever invented and I have found more weight. All total treatment has given me 20 pounds. I talked to Dr. Straughn who said in about 3 weeks I can really hit the weight loss hard. Now I plan on working to make changes starting tomorrow but I guess I need an all clear before I can commence crazy mode.
The neuropathy is like torture. Walking today felt like I was walking on a continual bed of straight pins. I tried 3 different pairs of shoes today, two of which had to be bought because we weren't home for me to switch them out. My Granny had diabetic neuropathy and I always used to wonder what it really felt like even though I felt I could imagine, well never in my imagination did I think that it would be like this.
The bone pain is equally as bad. It hit sooner, with more ferocity and seems to be lasting longer. It was so bad Friday night I took a sleeping pill and then last night I took a pain pill I had left from my sprain and yet sleep eluded me both nights. I had intentions of taking two sleeping pills tonight but it was so late I was scared to. I hope that it will decide to stop tonight so that I can sleep.
There are the other things too, the nausea, the chemo brain and the acne. Oh the acne!. UGH! And all of the other crap that goes along with being sick, all of it is there but I hope that it is on its way out.
Cancer sucks, chemo sucks and I am forever changed because of it. Good or bad changes, I am changed.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
The End is in SIGHT!
#5 is in the books and although I still don't want to have to go through #6 I can see the end. It is like being in a race, as a dear friend puts it, a marathon and I am at the 26 mile mark. I would say I am probably at the 20 mile mark and am struggling for my second wind, for that last boost of energy so I can make it to the end. I will see this through though, no matter how I lag, no matter how tired I am, no matter how much I want to quit so the side effects will stop, I will make it.
The side effects are still as awful as they have been the one plus has been that I have been able to drink Sprite. Upsets me that I broke my no soda rule, but dehydration vs soda....No real question there. Even Dr. Straughn told me that you almost have to have soda during chemo. I've tried, I really tried to avoid it so I guess that I went almost the entire course of treatment without having one should be something to celebrate.
The bone pain has been equally as bad as the previous treatments but as I promised, it has almost been localized to my ankle that is in a cast. Last night was so bad that I barely slept and I've been taking Epsom salt baths but since I have a cast....No go. Hopefully this thing will be off on Tuesday, umm no this thing WILL be off on Tuesday even if I have to take it off myself so I will be able to soak if I need to.
I do have a rash, well the rash that I had on my back is worse and I have a rash on my head. I call it a rash but after some googling last night I think it is more like acne than a "rash" and I do NOT know what to do. It is a bit painful especially the areas that get rubbed by clothing and it doesn't look pretty, those areas on my head, but without knowing what I can do about it I am kind of lost.
Throughout this journey there have been ups and there have been downs. There has been promises of help if needed and none to be found when it was needed and called for. What I thought might have brought us siblings together didn't and instead the journey has at times, made me feel more alone than ever. I have realized that family doesn't necessarily mean blood and that those people who call you every morning, or every Thursday even if to just leave a message that says "I love you and am thinking of you" are just as much family as those who share the same lineage and that neighbors mean more in my neighborhood than just people who live next door. I have learned that annoying little sisters can still be annoying as adults but it is out of love they are annoying and you love her for her annoyance and desperately wish she were closer to be annoying than Hawaii. :) Most of all I have learned I am stronger than I thought possible and very soon I will be able to say I faced cancer and that I fought and I am a survivor.
The side effects are still as awful as they have been the one plus has been that I have been able to drink Sprite. Upsets me that I broke my no soda rule, but dehydration vs soda....No real question there. Even Dr. Straughn told me that you almost have to have soda during chemo. I've tried, I really tried to avoid it so I guess that I went almost the entire course of treatment without having one should be something to celebrate.
The bone pain has been equally as bad as the previous treatments but as I promised, it has almost been localized to my ankle that is in a cast. Last night was so bad that I barely slept and I've been taking Epsom salt baths but since I have a cast....No go. Hopefully this thing will be off on Tuesday, umm no this thing WILL be off on Tuesday even if I have to take it off myself so I will be able to soak if I need to.
I do have a rash, well the rash that I had on my back is worse and I have a rash on my head. I call it a rash but after some googling last night I think it is more like acne than a "rash" and I do NOT know what to do. It is a bit painful especially the areas that get rubbed by clothing and it doesn't look pretty, those areas on my head, but without knowing what I can do about it I am kind of lost.
Throughout this journey there have been ups and there have been downs. There has been promises of help if needed and none to be found when it was needed and called for. What I thought might have brought us siblings together didn't and instead the journey has at times, made me feel more alone than ever. I have realized that family doesn't necessarily mean blood and that those people who call you every morning, or every Thursday even if to just leave a message that says "I love you and am thinking of you" are just as much family as those who share the same lineage and that neighbors mean more in my neighborhood than just people who live next door. I have learned that annoying little sisters can still be annoying as adults but it is out of love they are annoying and you love her for her annoyance and desperately wish she were closer to be annoying than Hawaii. :) Most of all I have learned I am stronger than I thought possible and very soon I will be able to say I faced cancer and that I fought and I am a survivor.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Chemo #4
I am officially over the half way mark. I was worried when I went in to see the oncologist on Tuesday that I was going to have to have another round added to make up for the one when the Taxotere tried to kill me but he thinks that I will be okay. So I guess I am on the downhill slide now right?
WOO HOO! To be honest with you though I think I would have cried if he had added another because if you ever thought chemo sucked bad, it sucks even worse.
I managed to also ask him a couple of things that I had been forgetting to ask, Thank Chemo Brain. I found out that my Ovarian Cancer was Endometriod Stage 1 otherwise known as a Surface epithelial-stromal tumour and was 4cm. To me 4cm seems like a fairly large size for a mass, it may not be but looking at it on a ruler....WOW. I think back now on my rides home from work when I would be screaming in pain thinking I had pulled a muscle or had a UTI or when there were times when I would for a moment think "Jessica this could be serious, what if it is cancer?" and how now I know that that mass was causing all of that pain and frustration. When I would have those thought I would try to knock them out as quick as I could. I mean I didn't want to be known as a "Debbie Downer". So now though, because I asked, I know what kind of cancer I had rather than just lumping it under the OvaCa umbrella.
I also asked about my appendix. When I was younger and had problems with ovarian cysts they always thought it was my appendix. The general consensus was that when Dr. Straughn did my hysterectomy he probably took it out but alas he did not. Of course now with no ovaries there is no mistaking my appendix for that but I wanted to be sure. I mean I have a history of thinking cancer is a UTI why would I think that appendicitis was anything other than that as well?
Chemo itself sucked. Ok not totally but it sucked as much as usual. My Mother, brother and daughter all went with me. I know we must of looked like the Clampetts coming in there, or Jessica's Cancer Entourage. Not sure why everyone wanted to go, I mean it isn't like it is entertaining or anything. I didn't get a nap this time, or not much of one. I was looking forward to the Benadryl knocking me out like #3 but instead I got a bad case of restless leg. No allergic reaction, I didn't eat a ton, it was fairly easy other than the nausea. I have noticed that the Taxol makes me more nauseous than the Taxotere did, but then again Taxotere tried to kill me so maybe I will take the nausea.
Brother dear picked up dinner from one of the yummiest rib places in Birmingham but to be honest with you even as I type this the sheer thought makes me queasy, of course it is 4 days later. Cereal as been a Godsend, Life Cereal that it and ice cream. I am finding fluids to be an issue though. I've tried Kool Aid, Tea, Water, Coffee, finally broke down and drank a Sprite yesterday after not having a soda for almost a yr and a half and today, well today I am drinking Root Beer. I can't seem to find a fluid that tastes good and quenches my thirst. Tomorrow I am think I am going to try ICE COLD water and maybe some lemonade and then if all else fails I will buy a watermelon and hope that helps.
The bone pain is crazy outrageous again. I think I could almost deal with all of the other symptoms if I could get rid of the bone pain. It was so bad tonight I took a sleeping pills which is obviously not working as I am typing this at almost 1am. I have taken warm baths which help temporarily but long term relief, there is none.
I also have lost my hair, yes the hair on my head is almost all gone again, but also the hair in other areas. AND I have a heat rash that other than making me feel like a leper is nothing more than uncomfortable. I saw, at Wally World, a cooling pad for the bed, I think I need to invest in one. It might be more beneficial than the 6000 fans and AC going in the house and maybe it might help with the heat rash. To an outsider I am sure the house feels like the Artic Circle, to my cancer, menopausal butt it is still warm. However, until I make the decision to purchase one, I think tomorrow may be an Aveeno bath kind of day or an oatmeal bath kind of day. Something relaxing and soothing, something to make the rash better.
One last line, tomorrow I will attempt to write an entry regarding what this has been like for those closest to me. I was told tonight that I needed to but I will admit that it will be hard. I am so focused on how I feel, on how treatment makes me feel, how cancer makes me feel that I am not sure that I know how all of this is affecting them. I mean I know some, but deep down I don't know. I can promise to try and hope to relay to them how much I love them and how much their support means to me.
Now I sign off, wish me luck sleeping.....
*****UPDATE******* I forgot to add in this post last night that my CA-125 has dropped to 7. Not as big a drop as I had anticipated but it is a good drop nonetheless.
WOO HOO! To be honest with you though I think I would have cried if he had added another because if you ever thought chemo sucked bad, it sucks even worse.
I managed to also ask him a couple of things that I had been forgetting to ask, Thank Chemo Brain. I found out that my Ovarian Cancer was Endometriod Stage 1 otherwise known as a Surface epithelial-stromal tumour and was 4cm. To me 4cm seems like a fairly large size for a mass, it may not be but looking at it on a ruler....WOW. I think back now on my rides home from work when I would be screaming in pain thinking I had pulled a muscle or had a UTI or when there were times when I would for a moment think "Jessica this could be serious, what if it is cancer?" and how now I know that that mass was causing all of that pain and frustration. When I would have those thought I would try to knock them out as quick as I could. I mean I didn't want to be known as a "Debbie Downer". So now though, because I asked, I know what kind of cancer I had rather than just lumping it under the OvaCa umbrella.
I also asked about my appendix. When I was younger and had problems with ovarian cysts they always thought it was my appendix. The general consensus was that when Dr. Straughn did my hysterectomy he probably took it out but alas he did not. Of course now with no ovaries there is no mistaking my appendix for that but I wanted to be sure. I mean I have a history of thinking cancer is a UTI why would I think that appendicitis was anything other than that as well?
Chemo itself sucked. Ok not totally but it sucked as much as usual. My Mother, brother and daughter all went with me. I know we must of looked like the Clampetts coming in there, or Jessica's Cancer Entourage. Not sure why everyone wanted to go, I mean it isn't like it is entertaining or anything. I didn't get a nap this time, or not much of one. I was looking forward to the Benadryl knocking me out like #3 but instead I got a bad case of restless leg. No allergic reaction, I didn't eat a ton, it was fairly easy other than the nausea. I have noticed that the Taxol makes me more nauseous than the Taxotere did, but then again Taxotere tried to kill me so maybe I will take the nausea.
Brother dear picked up dinner from one of the yummiest rib places in Birmingham but to be honest with you even as I type this the sheer thought makes me queasy, of course it is 4 days later. Cereal as been a Godsend, Life Cereal that it and ice cream. I am finding fluids to be an issue though. I've tried Kool Aid, Tea, Water, Coffee, finally broke down and drank a Sprite yesterday after not having a soda for almost a yr and a half and today, well today I am drinking Root Beer. I can't seem to find a fluid that tastes good and quenches my thirst. Tomorrow I am think I am going to try ICE COLD water and maybe some lemonade and then if all else fails I will buy a watermelon and hope that helps.
The bone pain is crazy outrageous again. I think I could almost deal with all of the other symptoms if I could get rid of the bone pain. It was so bad tonight I took a sleeping pills which is obviously not working as I am typing this at almost 1am. I have taken warm baths which help temporarily but long term relief, there is none.
I also have lost my hair, yes the hair on my head is almost all gone again, but also the hair in other areas. AND I have a heat rash that other than making me feel like a leper is nothing more than uncomfortable. I saw, at Wally World, a cooling pad for the bed, I think I need to invest in one. It might be more beneficial than the 6000 fans and AC going in the house and maybe it might help with the heat rash. To an outsider I am sure the house feels like the Artic Circle, to my cancer, menopausal butt it is still warm. However, until I make the decision to purchase one, I think tomorrow may be an Aveeno bath kind of day or an oatmeal bath kind of day. Something relaxing and soothing, something to make the rash better.
One last line, tomorrow I will attempt to write an entry regarding what this has been like for those closest to me. I was told tonight that I needed to but I will admit that it will be hard. I am so focused on how I feel, on how treatment makes me feel, how cancer makes me feel that I am not sure that I know how all of this is affecting them. I mean I know some, but deep down I don't know. I can promise to try and hope to relay to them how much I love them and how much their support means to me.
Now I sign off, wish me luck sleeping.....
*****UPDATE******* I forgot to add in this post last night that my CA-125 has dropped to 7. Not as big a drop as I had anticipated but it is a good drop nonetheless.
Clearing some things up
Today I will actually attempt to write two posts. One that will cover Round 4 and this one, one that has been eating away at me for days and days.
Those who have known me my entire life know that I have struggled with my weight. Those who have known me and are close to me know that this struggle with my weight obsesses me most of the time. Especially at times when most sane women would not only understand what is going on with their bodies, but accept it. This is not me however.
When I was pregnant, I knew that I was growing a life but in my warped head I was getting fat. I had finally lost enough weight that I thought of myself as somewhat "normal" and then all of a sudden I was gaining weight. Now I didn't do anything stupid when I was pregnant and try to lose weight but for a girl who didn't think of herself as pretty, or worthy of the ass she was with, it was crazy hard to look in the mirror and see a glowing soon to be mother and not a beached whale ( as he so often made me feel). Now fast forward to today...
I think people have this misconception of me. I think that people think that I am running around dieting in order to avoid the steroid gain. I am NOT. I am trying to eat healthy meals. More fruits, veggies, and the like. This was pretty much my normal diet PRE-cancer. Pre-Cancer I tried to avoid that junk, the sodas, the crap so why would I NOT try to avoid this after a cancer diagnosis? Now I would be lying if I said that I didn't mind gaining the weight because I do mind. Most women mind. I don't like thinking that a year ago I started busting my ass to get myself in shape and that those measly 17 pounds I lost before cancer decided it had other plans, I will have to lose again. It absolutely eats away at me. BUT I am NOT, and let me be clear about this, am NOT running around measuring out portion sizes and wondering if I can take a diet pill to lose weight. Oh and if ice cream is the only thing I can eat, as it was yesterday, I eat it. HOWEVER, there is NOTHING NO ONE CAN SAY THAT WILL MAKE ME LIKE WEIGHT GAIN! Period! Just like I don't have to like the bone pain, or the heat rashes, or the hair loss, I don't have to like it any of it, I just have to get through it, learn from it, and recover from it.
I have this tendency to let people walk over me. To let their thoughts and opinions negate my thoughts and opinions but I probably more than anything I do, need to stop that. My thoughts and opinions are mine to contend with no matter how warped they seem to be and so, when I question why I am gaining weight at such a rapid pace, someone who says "Jess it is the steroids" is going to get so much more understanding from me. Five words.....And here is the thing although I understand, I may not understand because as I have said I have a warped mind and in my mind, even when taking steroids, if I choose to eat a salad as opposed to a hamburger the weight gain should be less. Who knows maybe it will make a difference in the end?
Sooooo now that I have gotten that off my chest.....I am going to shower, run to the bank because today I WILL eat a funnel cake, and most likely something else that isn't good for the steroids, but I will eat them because it is that kind of day and I want to.
Those who have known me my entire life know that I have struggled with my weight. Those who have known me and are close to me know that this struggle with my weight obsesses me most of the time. Especially at times when most sane women would not only understand what is going on with their bodies, but accept it. This is not me however.
When I was pregnant, I knew that I was growing a life but in my warped head I was getting fat. I had finally lost enough weight that I thought of myself as somewhat "normal" and then all of a sudden I was gaining weight. Now I didn't do anything stupid when I was pregnant and try to lose weight but for a girl who didn't think of herself as pretty, or worthy of the ass she was with, it was crazy hard to look in the mirror and see a glowing soon to be mother and not a beached whale ( as he so often made me feel). Now fast forward to today...
I think people have this misconception of me. I think that people think that I am running around dieting in order to avoid the steroid gain. I am NOT. I am trying to eat healthy meals. More fruits, veggies, and the like. This was pretty much my normal diet PRE-cancer. Pre-Cancer I tried to avoid that junk, the sodas, the crap so why would I NOT try to avoid this after a cancer diagnosis? Now I would be lying if I said that I didn't mind gaining the weight because I do mind. Most women mind. I don't like thinking that a year ago I started busting my ass to get myself in shape and that those measly 17 pounds I lost before cancer decided it had other plans, I will have to lose again. It absolutely eats away at me. BUT I am NOT, and let me be clear about this, am NOT running around measuring out portion sizes and wondering if I can take a diet pill to lose weight. Oh and if ice cream is the only thing I can eat, as it was yesterday, I eat it. HOWEVER, there is NOTHING NO ONE CAN SAY THAT WILL MAKE ME LIKE WEIGHT GAIN! Period! Just like I don't have to like the bone pain, or the heat rashes, or the hair loss, I don't have to like it any of it, I just have to get through it, learn from it, and recover from it.
I have this tendency to let people walk over me. To let their thoughts and opinions negate my thoughts and opinions but I probably more than anything I do, need to stop that. My thoughts and opinions are mine to contend with no matter how warped they seem to be and so, when I question why I am gaining weight at such a rapid pace, someone who says "Jess it is the steroids" is going to get so much more understanding from me. Five words.....And here is the thing although I understand, I may not understand because as I have said I have a warped mind and in my mind, even when taking steroids, if I choose to eat a salad as opposed to a hamburger the weight gain should be less. Who knows maybe it will make a difference in the end?
Sooooo now that I have gotten that off my chest.....I am going to shower, run to the bank because today I WILL eat a funnel cake, and most likely something else that isn't good for the steroids, but I will eat them because it is that kind of day and I want to.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Chemo Round 3
I know, I know you are thinking "Isn't it about time for Round 4?", and yes you would be correct, Round 4 is next week. I am two days away from pre-meds, and 5 days til my next treatment. I should have recorded this earlier, but I have been so damn tired that I just haven't had the energy to put the thought into all of this, but since treatment is days away I figured I needed to get this written before chemo brain kicks in even more.
The days leading up to chemo sucked. I HATE the pre-meds. For some the days of steroids give them a boost of energy, I am the opposite though. They make me moody and even more tired than I normally am. On top of those I had to take Zantac like it was going to save my life. Funny I hate to even take anything for a headache but through al of this I am forced to take medicine after medicine after medicine. Anyway......
June 25th, or chemo day, rolled around. I awoke feeling more than anxious about the whole thing and it didn't start out very well. Adam was out of town, Mom couldn't drive, and so I had asked my brother to drive me. He dropped my Mother off at my house at 6am and told me he had to work. I was freaked out at the thought of having to drive but I didn't have anyone to call at 6am. I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place and let me tell you it was.
The drive in was hard. Traffic was at a dead stop near the airport in Birmingham. I cussed, and cussed some more. I particularly cussed at one car who had almost hit me. I think that the rage was probably a side effect of the steroids. Good thing I was able to control myself and do nothing more than cuss him out, when he couldn't hear. I was also STARVING and all I wanted was a donut. Thankfully there is a Dunkin' Donuts near the hospital. I had those two donuts eaten as we pulled into the parking lot. Stupid steroids.
Treatment itself wasn't too bad. My CA-125 had dropped to 8.3, and once the nurse's phone quacked, signaling I was past the allergic reaction time frame for the new drug, Taxol, I went to sleep. The one drug took almost 4 hours, and then there was the 30 mins for the Carboplatin. I know some people have heard that there are cancer patients who are in and out for chemo, but I can tell you my day started at 6am, we were at chemo at 8am, wasn't finished with chemo til 4pm and wasn't home until about 5:30. It is a hell of a long day. A day that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
The drive home was awful. I was so tired. All of the meds they had given me were not worn off and so I fought sleepiness all the way home. I remember telling Mom more than once as I drove home, that I was fading. I felt like bawling my eyes out. I felt alone, I felt like a thorn in others' sides, I felt...alone. As soon as we ate I was out and then slept that night, the majority of the next day and the day after. After that I fought....Side effects
Side effects....The bone pain was so bad I cried myself to sleep multiple nights and at one point I cried for my Granny. I didn't realize it could be that bad. Drinking, I am STILL having an issue drinking. All of the things that worked during the first 2 treatments didn't work this time and water, OH MY how I want water, but how awful does it taste. I drink about 2-3 drinks a day now and that includes my coffee in the morning. I realize that is not near enough but I am trying at least. Food hasn't been too much of an issue. Initially red meat was out but by the 4th I was okay enough with it that I was able to eat a hamburger at my cousin's bbq. There is that terrible part of me that wishes the food would be an issue but that part of me has to be smacked in the face every once in a while and told to wise up.
My hair has grown out a little but my scalp is starting to get a bit sore again. I do hope that when/if the rest of this falls out, that the gray that is showing up in my hair, like all of my hair, will come back a color other than gray. I am terrified to think that when all of this is said and done I will be a 39 yr old with a full head of gray hair. UGH! Cancer and what it does to the body.
So now as Tuesday approaches I will say I am not looking forward to the pre-meds, I worry about the ride there and back, even though I am supposed to have a ride, I worry about the side effects, I worry about feeling even more exhausted than I already do, and I worry about the emotions that make me seem/feel a bit crazy. Time to take deep breaths and prepare. Time to clean, and get all of the things in order to make next week flow a bit easier here at home.
I can do this right? Take on Round 4? Half way there, next week starts the downward climb. I CAN do this.
The days leading up to chemo sucked. I HATE the pre-meds. For some the days of steroids give them a boost of energy, I am the opposite though. They make me moody and even more tired than I normally am. On top of those I had to take Zantac like it was going to save my life. Funny I hate to even take anything for a headache but through al of this I am forced to take medicine after medicine after medicine. Anyway......
June 25th, or chemo day, rolled around. I awoke feeling more than anxious about the whole thing and it didn't start out very well. Adam was out of town, Mom couldn't drive, and so I had asked my brother to drive me. He dropped my Mother off at my house at 6am and told me he had to work. I was freaked out at the thought of having to drive but I didn't have anyone to call at 6am. I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place and let me tell you it was.
The drive in was hard. Traffic was at a dead stop near the airport in Birmingham. I cussed, and cussed some more. I particularly cussed at one car who had almost hit me. I think that the rage was probably a side effect of the steroids. Good thing I was able to control myself and do nothing more than cuss him out, when he couldn't hear. I was also STARVING and all I wanted was a donut. Thankfully there is a Dunkin' Donuts near the hospital. I had those two donuts eaten as we pulled into the parking lot. Stupid steroids.
Treatment itself wasn't too bad. My CA-125 had dropped to 8.3, and once the nurse's phone quacked, signaling I was past the allergic reaction time frame for the new drug, Taxol, I went to sleep. The one drug took almost 4 hours, and then there was the 30 mins for the Carboplatin. I know some people have heard that there are cancer patients who are in and out for chemo, but I can tell you my day started at 6am, we were at chemo at 8am, wasn't finished with chemo til 4pm and wasn't home until about 5:30. It is a hell of a long day. A day that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
The drive home was awful. I was so tired. All of the meds they had given me were not worn off and so I fought sleepiness all the way home. I remember telling Mom more than once as I drove home, that I was fading. I felt like bawling my eyes out. I felt alone, I felt like a thorn in others' sides, I felt...alone. As soon as we ate I was out and then slept that night, the majority of the next day and the day after. After that I fought....Side effects
Side effects....The bone pain was so bad I cried myself to sleep multiple nights and at one point I cried for my Granny. I didn't realize it could be that bad. Drinking, I am STILL having an issue drinking. All of the things that worked during the first 2 treatments didn't work this time and water, OH MY how I want water, but how awful does it taste. I drink about 2-3 drinks a day now and that includes my coffee in the morning. I realize that is not near enough but I am trying at least. Food hasn't been too much of an issue. Initially red meat was out but by the 4th I was okay enough with it that I was able to eat a hamburger at my cousin's bbq. There is that terrible part of me that wishes the food would be an issue but that part of me has to be smacked in the face every once in a while and told to wise up.
My hair has grown out a little but my scalp is starting to get a bit sore again. I do hope that when/if the rest of this falls out, that the gray that is showing up in my hair, like all of my hair, will come back a color other than gray. I am terrified to think that when all of this is said and done I will be a 39 yr old with a full head of gray hair. UGH! Cancer and what it does to the body.
So now as Tuesday approaches I will say I am not looking forward to the pre-meds, I worry about the ride there and back, even though I am supposed to have a ride, I worry about the side effects, I worry about feeling even more exhausted than I already do, and I worry about the emotions that make me seem/feel a bit crazy. Time to take deep breaths and prepare. Time to clean, and get all of the things in order to make next week flow a bit easier here at home.
I can do this right? Take on Round 4? Half way there, next week starts the downward climb. I CAN do this.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Today Sucks!
Today is one of those days where I wish this was all over. Okay I wish that every day but today I just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to have to wear a hat or one of the scarves I can't get to tie on my head properly. I don't want to have to ask for help to get to treatment. I don't want think about how tired I will be when I get home from treatment and wonder how I will make dinner for Lorissa. I don't want to do ANY of it. Today is one of those days where I either want it to take me or I want all of this to be a bad dream that I will finally wake up from.
I hate that my hair is gone and what is growing back is gray. Apparently I won't have black hair as I thought after treatment, no I will have a full head of gray hair before I am 40. I hate the inflamed hair follicles where I have ingrown hairs from shaving my head with a razor.
I hate that I worked my ass off to lose 17 pounds and it is slowly now creeping back even though I am really trying to fight the cravings. I hate that my clothes are starting to feel tighter.
I hate that I can't run right now even though I keep trying. I hate that when I work out that I don't feel like I am doing as well as I was. I want to be a runner, I want to be fit.
I feel fat, I feel ugly, I feel stupid and dumb and helpless.
I hate that I couldn't remember the name of the girl my daughter is spending the night with for the longest time today. I hate that I am making stupid mistakes at work because my mind seems to be sleeping all of the time. I hate that I sleep but am tired all of the damn time. So tired that I oversleep every morning and I could sleep at my desk every day. I hate the hot flashes that hit me so badly I could strip down to nothing or lay on a bed of ice. Then the next moment I hate that I am freezing to the point I will turn the heater on at my desk.
I hate that I feel lonely. I hate that I feel I am a burden to those around me, Friends and family alike. I hate that I have to ask for help with things and then I hate when I break down and do that I can't always get help.
I hate it all. I used to think I could imagine, at least a little how someone with cancer felt but I realize no one who has never had cancer can ever imagine what a person going through cancer feels like. The emotions, the good days, the bad days, the nausea, the "roid rage", the cravings and disgust for foods, the hair loss, the fatigue. NONE of it is easy. NONE of it is okay. Some days it is tolerate better than others, but even those who have a positive outlook, has a day here and there that sucks and today is mine. So....
CANCER SUCKS!
I wanted to add some four letter words to it to really express the way I feel but there might be a family member or two who may read this that won't appreciate those words, but if anyone else reads this you can add your own flair.
I hope that I can wake tomorrow and feel better. Feel positive, feel as pretty as is possible right now. I hope that my clothes won't be any tighter and some black hair will pop through. I hope that the tears and emotions will be controlled and I will be able to do the work around the house that I need to get accomplished before Tuesday. I hope that I wake up feeling like the fighter so many think I am. To put it plainly, I hope I wake up more like me again.
I hate that my hair is gone and what is growing back is gray. Apparently I won't have black hair as I thought after treatment, no I will have a full head of gray hair before I am 40. I hate the inflamed hair follicles where I have ingrown hairs from shaving my head with a razor.
I hate that I worked my ass off to lose 17 pounds and it is slowly now creeping back even though I am really trying to fight the cravings. I hate that my clothes are starting to feel tighter.
I hate that I can't run right now even though I keep trying. I hate that when I work out that I don't feel like I am doing as well as I was. I want to be a runner, I want to be fit.
I feel fat, I feel ugly, I feel stupid and dumb and helpless.
I hate that I couldn't remember the name of the girl my daughter is spending the night with for the longest time today. I hate that I am making stupid mistakes at work because my mind seems to be sleeping all of the time. I hate that I sleep but am tired all of the damn time. So tired that I oversleep every morning and I could sleep at my desk every day. I hate the hot flashes that hit me so badly I could strip down to nothing or lay on a bed of ice. Then the next moment I hate that I am freezing to the point I will turn the heater on at my desk.
I hate that I feel lonely. I hate that I feel I am a burden to those around me, Friends and family alike. I hate that I have to ask for help with things and then I hate when I break down and do that I can't always get help.
I hate it all. I used to think I could imagine, at least a little how someone with cancer felt but I realize no one who has never had cancer can ever imagine what a person going through cancer feels like. The emotions, the good days, the bad days, the nausea, the "roid rage", the cravings and disgust for foods, the hair loss, the fatigue. NONE of it is easy. NONE of it is okay. Some days it is tolerate better than others, but even those who have a positive outlook, has a day here and there that sucks and today is mine. So....
CANCER SUCKS!
I wanted to add some four letter words to it to really express the way I feel but there might be a family member or two who may read this that won't appreciate those words, but if anyone else reads this you can add your own flair.
I hope that I can wake tomorrow and feel better. Feel positive, feel as pretty as is possible right now. I hope that my clothes won't be any tighter and some black hair will pop through. I hope that the tears and emotions will be controlled and I will be able to do the work around the house that I need to get accomplished before Tuesday. I hope that I wake up feeling like the fighter so many think I am. To put it plainly, I hope I wake up more like me again.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Chemo Round 2
This round of chemo has really sucked. If possible I think that it has sucked probably more, and sucked quicker, than the first round. Two days after and I am MISERABLE. I think I would be perfectly content with sleeping the side effects off if my hips and bed could agree to be comfortable. I think that I would be content with crying the yuckiness out if it were possible. Anything to just feel better, to get through it.
I was told at my last treatment to be at the office by 8am to have labs drawn, then by the time I met with Dr. Straughn my labs would be back and then I would be good to go at 9:20 for chemo. It didn't quite happen this way. Apparently a new system was implemented and it started on the first and it was chaos. No one was in to draw labs at 8, so it was almost 9 before those were drawn, didn't get back to see Dr. Straughn til 10 or later, and chemo didn't start til almost 2 hours later.
I went into chemo Tuesday hopeful that I would be able to get through the day without any issues. I was worried because of the reaction I had during the first treatment to the Taxotere but felt better after I asked my chemo nurse Jill what the chances were I would have a reaction again. Her answer "Not likely and we are giving you extra medicine to help keep it at bay." So I breathed a sigh of relief. The first allergic reaction was bad enough to forever be ingrained in my mind for the rest of my days. Little did I know that I would not only have another reaction but that it would be worse than the first one.
Jill started my premeds which included hydrocortisone, all was good. Then she started the Taxotere. I had asked for a bag of cheez-its and had just put about 3 of them in my mouth when it started. Again in the stomach like an alien trying to tear through me to get out, but then it got worse. All of a sudden it felt as if someone was squeezing my heart and my lungs. I couldn't breathe. I was gasping for air. Poor Mom at first didn't understand, and then when she realized what was happening, with the help of some of the other women in the chemo room with me, she took off. Jill came running along with two other nurses. More hydrocortisone, more Benadryl, more other meds and then was told "NO MORE TAXOTERE FOR YOU!" by Jill. I was scared, and relieved. Scared because of the reaction, scared because I was missing a key part of my treatment, but relieved because I truly thought that if it had gone on one moment longer I could have died right there in the chemo chair. Maybe that wasn't entirely possible but it felt that way. After about 30 mins Jill started the carboplatin and at about 3:30 I was done. Mom dropped me off at 5:30, so almost 12 hours later I was home and in bed.
Mom on the other hand had a little but of a longer day since she decided to blackout and get into a car accident breaking a few ribs and her wrist. I am so sorry Mom. I feel responsible because had she not taken me to chemo, she wouldn't have been driving, possibly. I know silly thinking but it is my thinking.
Now two days out and I feel miserable. The nurse from my ins company who called me on Friday told me that the side effects seem to get worse and hit quicker as treatments progress. I had hoped she was going to be wrong but I fully believe her now. I am miserable. I feel miserable. I want to cry, I want to just say enough is enough, but I won't. I wasn't raised that way. I keep telling myself that if maybe the rest of my hair will come out I could sleep more peacefully and that would improve my mood. If the hot flashes would stop I could rest more peacefully. If a number of things would happen, food, drink, talking, walking, nausea, would improve I would feel better, but I guess that will come next week right or the week after, just in time for the next treatment?
I think for now, I am going to go grab a Gatorade and crawl back into my bed and hope that my hips and my bed will, at least for a short time, agree to be comfortable. I will also pray, beg that the remainder of my hair will come out so that I won't have the scalp pain anymore. I will hope for anything that will give me rest, if only for a short period of time.
I was told at my last treatment to be at the office by 8am to have labs drawn, then by the time I met with Dr. Straughn my labs would be back and then I would be good to go at 9:20 for chemo. It didn't quite happen this way. Apparently a new system was implemented and it started on the first and it was chaos. No one was in to draw labs at 8, so it was almost 9 before those were drawn, didn't get back to see Dr. Straughn til 10 or later, and chemo didn't start til almost 2 hours later.
I went into chemo Tuesday hopeful that I would be able to get through the day without any issues. I was worried because of the reaction I had during the first treatment to the Taxotere but felt better after I asked my chemo nurse Jill what the chances were I would have a reaction again. Her answer "Not likely and we are giving you extra medicine to help keep it at bay." So I breathed a sigh of relief. The first allergic reaction was bad enough to forever be ingrained in my mind for the rest of my days. Little did I know that I would not only have another reaction but that it would be worse than the first one.
Jill started my premeds which included hydrocortisone, all was good. Then she started the Taxotere. I had asked for a bag of cheez-its and had just put about 3 of them in my mouth when it started. Again in the stomach like an alien trying to tear through me to get out, but then it got worse. All of a sudden it felt as if someone was squeezing my heart and my lungs. I couldn't breathe. I was gasping for air. Poor Mom at first didn't understand, and then when she realized what was happening, with the help of some of the other women in the chemo room with me, she took off. Jill came running along with two other nurses. More hydrocortisone, more Benadryl, more other meds and then was told "NO MORE TAXOTERE FOR YOU!" by Jill. I was scared, and relieved. Scared because of the reaction, scared because I was missing a key part of my treatment, but relieved because I truly thought that if it had gone on one moment longer I could have died right there in the chemo chair. Maybe that wasn't entirely possible but it felt that way. After about 30 mins Jill started the carboplatin and at about 3:30 I was done. Mom dropped me off at 5:30, so almost 12 hours later I was home and in bed.
Mom on the other hand had a little but of a longer day since she decided to blackout and get into a car accident breaking a few ribs and her wrist. I am so sorry Mom. I feel responsible because had she not taken me to chemo, she wouldn't have been driving, possibly. I know silly thinking but it is my thinking.
Now two days out and I feel miserable. The nurse from my ins company who called me on Friday told me that the side effects seem to get worse and hit quicker as treatments progress. I had hoped she was going to be wrong but I fully believe her now. I am miserable. I feel miserable. I want to cry, I want to just say enough is enough, but I won't. I wasn't raised that way. I keep telling myself that if maybe the rest of my hair will come out I could sleep more peacefully and that would improve my mood. If the hot flashes would stop I could rest more peacefully. If a number of things would happen, food, drink, talking, walking, nausea, would improve I would feel better, but I guess that will come next week right or the week after, just in time for the next treatment?
I think for now, I am going to go grab a Gatorade and crawl back into my bed and hope that my hips and my bed will, at least for a short time, agree to be comfortable. I will also pray, beg that the remainder of my hair will come out so that I won't have the scalp pain anymore. I will hope for anything that will give me rest, if only for a short period of time.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Side effects part 1
It has been a long week. I am now 10 days out from my first treatment and while I haven't had to deal with vomiting, the other side effects, oh I have had them. I had them and I went to Florida. I probably shouldn't have made the trip to Florida but I did and am glad I did.
Food is an issue for me. I don't want to eat and when I do it tastes AWFUL! Mashed potatoes and chicken noodle soup are my mainstays right now and as far as fluids, it is gatorade and sweet tea. I am forcingmyself to drink water in the morning still to take my medicine but I can't seem to choke it down the rest of the day. I even tried some berry flavored water yesterday that Piggly Wiggly had on sale but EWWWW! The thing is, I WANT to drink water, and I want to eat but my body is rejecting it.
I have also slept a lot. Thank goodness for understanding friends in Fl, understanding family and understanding bosses. I hit certain points during the day where I can barely keep my eyes open and I am usually in bed a little after 9 (Last night I was out like a light by 9:15).
Today though I woke to my scalp hurting, more than it hurt last week. Today it hurt so bad I almost cried especially when I washed my hair. When I got to work of course I googled it and this is the pre-hair loss time. Most women actually recommended that you shave it in order for the pain to stop because apparently that is when it will stop hurting. Right now, at this moment, as long as I don't touch my scalp it isn't hurting too bad, but if I run my fingers through my hair, which I do often, it hurts like hell. Earlier I was going to see if Mark had room to shave it tomorrow and then I chickened out of calling him. Mark if you read this and you have room let me know. :) I don't have a scarf though and I am terrified that I am going to look stupid bald. I know that is so silly considering but it is weighing on me. Mom also said that my eyebrows are thinner. Maybe I won't have to get them waxed? I also haven't had to shave my legs. I shaved them last Wednesday and they are as smooth today as they were then. Guess that is a plus if there is a plus to chemo. I won't be wasting money and time on shaving my legs. Pits are the same as well.
Becasuse I can't find much to eat I am down 7 pounds since last Tuesday. I had actually almost hit 10 pounds but I drank so much Gatorade when I was preparing for the colonoscopy I think it made me gain some of it back so 7 pounds in a little over a week. That is a lot of weight to lose in such a short amount of time. I want to think it is maybe because my thyroid is finally functioning but we all know it is because I am only eating enough to not kill me. I had read so much that most women gain weight when going through chemo for Ovarian Cancer, but apparently I have to be the one to defy the odds. My goal was to just maintain throughout treatment and not gain. I know this shouldn't be something I need to worry about, but lets face it, this is me and I am weight obsessed. Hell the reason the cancer was found is partly because I am so weight obsessed. HOWEVER, the goal right now is to find foods I can tolerate and not gain, just maintain if possible. I plan on continuing to work out when it is possible to. I realize there will be days where my energy levels will be non-exsistent but I still plan to try.
So that is where I am right now with all of this. Next treatment is June 4th. I am sure between now and then there may be other side effects, other things that will arise, mood swings, hot flashes, mood swings, more mood swings but until then.....
Food is an issue for me. I don't want to eat and when I do it tastes AWFUL! Mashed potatoes and chicken noodle soup are my mainstays right now and as far as fluids, it is gatorade and sweet tea. I am forcingmyself to drink water in the morning still to take my medicine but I can't seem to choke it down the rest of the day. I even tried some berry flavored water yesterday that Piggly Wiggly had on sale but EWWWW! The thing is, I WANT to drink water, and I want to eat but my body is rejecting it.
I have also slept a lot. Thank goodness for understanding friends in Fl, understanding family and understanding bosses. I hit certain points during the day where I can barely keep my eyes open and I am usually in bed a little after 9 (Last night I was out like a light by 9:15).
Today though I woke to my scalp hurting, more than it hurt last week. Today it hurt so bad I almost cried especially when I washed my hair. When I got to work of course I googled it and this is the pre-hair loss time. Most women actually recommended that you shave it in order for the pain to stop because apparently that is when it will stop hurting. Right now, at this moment, as long as I don't touch my scalp it isn't hurting too bad, but if I run my fingers through my hair, which I do often, it hurts like hell. Earlier I was going to see if Mark had room to shave it tomorrow and then I chickened out of calling him. Mark if you read this and you have room let me know. :) I don't have a scarf though and I am terrified that I am going to look stupid bald. I know that is so silly considering but it is weighing on me. Mom also said that my eyebrows are thinner. Maybe I won't have to get them waxed? I also haven't had to shave my legs. I shaved them last Wednesday and they are as smooth today as they were then. Guess that is a plus if there is a plus to chemo. I won't be wasting money and time on shaving my legs. Pits are the same as well.
Becasuse I can't find much to eat I am down 7 pounds since last Tuesday. I had actually almost hit 10 pounds but I drank so much Gatorade when I was preparing for the colonoscopy I think it made me gain some of it back so 7 pounds in a little over a week. That is a lot of weight to lose in such a short amount of time. I want to think it is maybe because my thyroid is finally functioning but we all know it is because I am only eating enough to not kill me. I had read so much that most women gain weight when going through chemo for Ovarian Cancer, but apparently I have to be the one to defy the odds. My goal was to just maintain throughout treatment and not gain. I know this shouldn't be something I need to worry about, but lets face it, this is me and I am weight obsessed. Hell the reason the cancer was found is partly because I am so weight obsessed. HOWEVER, the goal right now is to find foods I can tolerate and not gain, just maintain if possible. I plan on continuing to work out when it is possible to. I realize there will be days where my energy levels will be non-exsistent but I still plan to try.
So that is where I am right now with all of this. Next treatment is June 4th. I am sure between now and then there may be other side effects, other things that will arise, mood swings, hot flashes, mood swings, more mood swings but until then.....
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Chemo Round 1
Yesterday was a day full of differing emotions. I took pictures of myself, the Women's center at UAB, the IV after it was started, the IV machine during Bag 1 and then again during Bag 2. My chemo nurse, Karen, was great. I can imagine how horribly difficult her job must be to be surrounded by cancer all day. Lunch for her was eaten standing up and a bar area between the two chemo areas within our chemo room, that was she could monitor us. I of course, interrupted her lunch.
I learned that I am not on Carboplatin and Taxol but on Carboplatin and Taxotere. I am sure there are differences, okay I know there are differences in the two T's but when I researched it the Benadryl was so in control I couldn't begin to tell you what they are. I will say this, Poor Karen had a hell of a day with me.
When the IV was first started blood was drawn so that we can do the BRCA testing, 1 & 2. I learned there is only one lab in the country that does this testing and that the cost for me could be $0, $375 or $4000. Guess I will figure that one out when it gets here. It is a hugely important test and I should have my results within 10-14 days. Yes a little nervous because I figure I carry the gene but I have this going on right now so I am trying not to let it get me.
After the blood draw Karen began giving me saline and then ultimately added Benadryl and more steroids. The Benadryl is an attempt to stop an allergic reaction to the chemo drugs. Well as luck would have it, I had an allergic reaction to the Taxotere. They give you 20 mins, 15 mins in I thought I was dying. Karen and the nurse in the adjoining area, stopped the drug, gave me another bag of Benadryl and a shot of Hydrocortisone. Dr. Estes, who I must say was completely good looking, came in to check on me as the reaction was subsiding. He told me that the reaction happens in about 15% of patients. YAY Me! I was told to watch for back spams, like labor pains. Mine actually started in my stomach and gravitated to my back. I also felt like my face was on FIRE! I told Dr. Estes that at that point during labor I screamed for an epidural.
The rest of the day there was fairly uneventful. Having so much Benadryl in me made it a little hard to walk to the restroom but I managed. At the end Karen gave me a shot of some thing that starts with an "L" to boost my white cell counts which hurt like hell and is supposed to give me some bone pain. I think I fell asleep almost as soon as we got into the car. I remember being hungry and Mom asking me what I wanted to eat and remember telling her I would wait until I got home. That is it for the drive home.
We walked in the door and got my stuff settled and I released Mom from her duties. I took a pork chop out of the fridge ate two bites and about threw up. Bed, I needed my bed. I laid down and cat napped til Lorissa got home. Finding something for dinner was almost impossible. I finally settled on Honey Nut Cheerios and Lorissa asked a neighbor to take her to McD's. Next time I do better. Next time I prepare dinner before hand. I spent the rest of the night sleeping and when I was awake, trying to find something to eat. Cheese and crackers, NOPE, Milkshake, NOPE. I finally forced myself to eat an apple and peanut butter but it was crunchy PB which sucked.
Today I feel ehhh. Everyone said I would feel good today but I don't feel good, I feel Ehhh. I've had to take the anti-nausea meds but there has been no vomiting. I have finally eaten, well I drank an Orgain and ate a little cereal so I could take my steroids. I could sleep again and may in a minute close my eyes for a little while. I have a lot to do and really need to feel good today. I was sort of counting on it. The day is still young. For what I have to do I can do it in a short amount of time sooo....I think now I shall take a nap.
I learned that I am not on Carboplatin and Taxol but on Carboplatin and Taxotere. I am sure there are differences, okay I know there are differences in the two T's but when I researched it the Benadryl was so in control I couldn't begin to tell you what they are. I will say this, Poor Karen had a hell of a day with me.
When the IV was first started blood was drawn so that we can do the BRCA testing, 1 & 2. I learned there is only one lab in the country that does this testing and that the cost for me could be $0, $375 or $4000. Guess I will figure that one out when it gets here. It is a hugely important test and I should have my results within 10-14 days. Yes a little nervous because I figure I carry the gene but I have this going on right now so I am trying not to let it get me.
After the blood draw Karen began giving me saline and then ultimately added Benadryl and more steroids. The Benadryl is an attempt to stop an allergic reaction to the chemo drugs. Well as luck would have it, I had an allergic reaction to the Taxotere. They give you 20 mins, 15 mins in I thought I was dying. Karen and the nurse in the adjoining area, stopped the drug, gave me another bag of Benadryl and a shot of Hydrocortisone. Dr. Estes, who I must say was completely good looking, came in to check on me as the reaction was subsiding. He told me that the reaction happens in about 15% of patients. YAY Me! I was told to watch for back spams, like labor pains. Mine actually started in my stomach and gravitated to my back. I also felt like my face was on FIRE! I told Dr. Estes that at that point during labor I screamed for an epidural.
The rest of the day there was fairly uneventful. Having so much Benadryl in me made it a little hard to walk to the restroom but I managed. At the end Karen gave me a shot of some thing that starts with an "L" to boost my white cell counts which hurt like hell and is supposed to give me some bone pain. I think I fell asleep almost as soon as we got into the car. I remember being hungry and Mom asking me what I wanted to eat and remember telling her I would wait until I got home. That is it for the drive home.
We walked in the door and got my stuff settled and I released Mom from her duties. I took a pork chop out of the fridge ate two bites and about threw up. Bed, I needed my bed. I laid down and cat napped til Lorissa got home. Finding something for dinner was almost impossible. I finally settled on Honey Nut Cheerios and Lorissa asked a neighbor to take her to McD's. Next time I do better. Next time I prepare dinner before hand. I spent the rest of the night sleeping and when I was awake, trying to find something to eat. Cheese and crackers, NOPE, Milkshake, NOPE. I finally forced myself to eat an apple and peanut butter but it was crunchy PB which sucked.
Today I feel ehhh. Everyone said I would feel good today but I don't feel good, I feel Ehhh. I've had to take the anti-nausea meds but there has been no vomiting. I have finally eaten, well I drank an Orgain and ate a little cereal so I could take my steroids. I could sleep again and may in a minute close my eyes for a little while. I have a lot to do and really need to feel good today. I was sort of counting on it. The day is still young. For what I have to do I can do it in a short amount of time sooo....I think now I shall take a nap.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Chemo Eve
'Twas the night before chemo and all through my brain, flew thoughts of things I should have gotten or should have gotten done.
Floors to be mopped, vacuuming to do
dusting of the knick-knacks and the pick up of loose screws.
Furniture to be cleaned, and dogs to be washed
toilets to be scrubbed and salads to be tossed.
Scarves to be purchased and be ready to go, to cover the head where hair right now flows.
Comfortable clothes to wear for being prodded and poked, and fuzzy socks to protect my frozen little toes.
Nothing to some but to me it is stress, all of these things sitting on my list.
Tomorrow will come and may be I will be, in shape to accomplish one, two or three.
I guess right now I should take deep breaths, shower and ready my eyes for slumber's depths (HAHA).
So I know that is RIDICULOUS but when I was younger I LOVED to write poetry. I probably sucked as much then as I do now. However, it allowed me an out let to write down a few things.
I do have fuzzy socks and I have put the in my bag. I have packed a few magazines and my pretty blanket. I don't have the comfortable clothes and seriously have no idea what I will wear or what to even wear. I had hoped to be more prepared there.
I had also hoped to be a little more prepared at home. My house is no where near messy but I wanted it spotless. Ok I would settle for having been able to vacuum tonight but it just didn't happen. BUT I did get to workout! WOO HOO!
Damn it is almost 10pm. I have seriously got to get into bed because I need to be up no later than 5:30 to get the rest of me ready to go. Can't believe it is here. WOW!
Update tomorrow?
Floors to be mopped, vacuuming to do
dusting of the knick-knacks and the pick up of loose screws.
Furniture to be cleaned, and dogs to be washed
toilets to be scrubbed and salads to be tossed.
Scarves to be purchased and be ready to go, to cover the head where hair right now flows.
Comfortable clothes to wear for being prodded and poked, and fuzzy socks to protect my frozen little toes.
Nothing to some but to me it is stress, all of these things sitting on my list.
Tomorrow will come and may be I will be, in shape to accomplish one, two or three.
I guess right now I should take deep breaths, shower and ready my eyes for slumber's depths (HAHA).
So I know that is RIDICULOUS but when I was younger I LOVED to write poetry. I probably sucked as much then as I do now. However, it allowed me an out let to write down a few things.
I do have fuzzy socks and I have put the in my bag. I have packed a few magazines and my pretty blanket. I don't have the comfortable clothes and seriously have no idea what I will wear or what to even wear. I had hoped to be more prepared there.
I had also hoped to be a little more prepared at home. My house is no where near messy but I wanted it spotless. Ok I would settle for having been able to vacuum tonight but it just didn't happen. BUT I did get to workout! WOO HOO!
Damn it is almost 10pm. I have seriously got to get into bed because I need to be up no later than 5:30 to get the rest of me ready to go. Can't believe it is here. WOW!
Update tomorrow?
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Chemo & Running
After leaving work at 2:30 today I came home and slept for about 2 hours. It felt awesome, so awesome in fact that I really had to force myself to get up and lace up my shoes and make the drive to Noccalula Falls.
Tonight was Rookie Runners and the route was the trail at the falls. I had major hot flashes today and being outside in the humidity seriously made me question my sanity. Eventually I couldn't tell if I was sweating from the hot flashes or from the walk. I walked and walked some more and it was WONDERFUL! Oh how I wished I could run though. It was hard going down the trail to keep myself in check. The walk back was vicious on my legs and the area where the mass was. I find that funny for some reason. I mean it isn't there anymore but it hurt like it was. I will admit to attempting to run once it leveled out again for about a minute tops, it was probably more like 30 seconds. I had Lorissa yelling at me to stop it. Oh it was nice though. There is something very liberating in running. Why didn't I figure that out decades ago?
I have two races I want to do in June but am afraid to sign up. I don't know if I can run them while doing chemo, and the first one is on June 1. Will that be too soon after the first treatment for me to attempt it? June 1 is Color Me Rad in Birmingham and then June 8th is Rockin' The River here. I want to do them both. I don't want to lose what I am just falling in love with. UGH! Stupid cancer!
I guess I should try to find someone who is a runner and is going through or has gone through chemo and find out what they think or what they did.
Now onto the cancer part. Post op follow up went well. I am healing lovely, all stitches are still in place. The Sunday episode was my body's way of saying slow down. That is hard for me. I don't know how to work slow. There could be one of three things wrong with the colon though. 1) OC metastasized to my colon 2) It could be two cancers or 3) (which we will hope for) Internal hemorrhoids. Lovely thoughts aren't they? Anyway, I am now waiting on the GI dept to call and schedule my colonoscopy. I did forget to ask him about the PET scan. I know I needed to but I was so lost in the appt I forgot my notes.
The chemo portion went well also. Carboplatin and Taxol are the drugs of choice for my chemo. One will be administered and take about 3 hours and then the other will be administered again taking about 3 hours. I will be having BRCA1 and BRCA 2 testing done which if positive could put me into a whole other part of the ball field. Doc said I would absolutely lose my hair from the drugs and that I would feel rough for about a week, get a little time off and then would have another. Chemo will be given every 3 weeks and will start in 2 weeks. I have to be pre-certified through my insurance company first. More waiting. And the drugs, the first time at least, will be given in an IV and then we will decide after that about the port. Part of me wishes I had pushed the port yesterday but again so much info, so much to take in.
The reality of it all set in though when I saw the chemo room. It was cold, frigid, and shocking. I don't know what I was expecting but apparently this wasn't it. Each room had about 8 recliners in it for those receiving treatment. I was advised to dress warm if I get cold easily, and to bring something to do. I held it together during my "tour" but when I walked outside in the parking lot I had to really fight not falling apart. I knew what to expect. I know what to expect now but all of this seems like a dream. I guess it is up to me to make sure it is a good dream and not a bad dream right?
And on that note it is time for me to find dreamland. Here is hoping the hot flashes subside some tonight and I can rest peacefully.
Tonight was Rookie Runners and the route was the trail at the falls. I had major hot flashes today and being outside in the humidity seriously made me question my sanity. Eventually I couldn't tell if I was sweating from the hot flashes or from the walk. I walked and walked some more and it was WONDERFUL! Oh how I wished I could run though. It was hard going down the trail to keep myself in check. The walk back was vicious on my legs and the area where the mass was. I find that funny for some reason. I mean it isn't there anymore but it hurt like it was. I will admit to attempting to run once it leveled out again for about a minute tops, it was probably more like 30 seconds. I had Lorissa yelling at me to stop it. Oh it was nice though. There is something very liberating in running. Why didn't I figure that out decades ago?
I have two races I want to do in June but am afraid to sign up. I don't know if I can run them while doing chemo, and the first one is on June 1. Will that be too soon after the first treatment for me to attempt it? June 1 is Color Me Rad in Birmingham and then June 8th is Rockin' The River here. I want to do them both. I don't want to lose what I am just falling in love with. UGH! Stupid cancer!
I guess I should try to find someone who is a runner and is going through or has gone through chemo and find out what they think or what they did.
Now onto the cancer part. Post op follow up went well. I am healing lovely, all stitches are still in place. The Sunday episode was my body's way of saying slow down. That is hard for me. I don't know how to work slow. There could be one of three things wrong with the colon though. 1) OC metastasized to my colon 2) It could be two cancers or 3) (which we will hope for) Internal hemorrhoids. Lovely thoughts aren't they? Anyway, I am now waiting on the GI dept to call and schedule my colonoscopy. I did forget to ask him about the PET scan. I know I needed to but I was so lost in the appt I forgot my notes.
The chemo portion went well also. Carboplatin and Taxol are the drugs of choice for my chemo. One will be administered and take about 3 hours and then the other will be administered again taking about 3 hours. I will be having BRCA1 and BRCA 2 testing done which if positive could put me into a whole other part of the ball field. Doc said I would absolutely lose my hair from the drugs and that I would feel rough for about a week, get a little time off and then would have another. Chemo will be given every 3 weeks and will start in 2 weeks. I have to be pre-certified through my insurance company first. More waiting. And the drugs, the first time at least, will be given in an IV and then we will decide after that about the port. Part of me wishes I had pushed the port yesterday but again so much info, so much to take in.
The reality of it all set in though when I saw the chemo room. It was cold, frigid, and shocking. I don't know what I was expecting but apparently this wasn't it. Each room had about 8 recliners in it for those receiving treatment. I was advised to dress warm if I get cold easily, and to bring something to do. I held it together during my "tour" but when I walked outside in the parking lot I had to really fight not falling apart. I knew what to expect. I know what to expect now but all of this seems like a dream. I guess it is up to me to make sure it is a good dream and not a bad dream right?
And on that note it is time for me to find dreamland. Here is hoping the hot flashes subside some tonight and I can rest peacefully.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
It is Tuesday...One more day
My whole body feels tired tonight, more so than usual. Actually my body hurts, like my muscles hurt, and I am not going to lie a multitude of things run through my head about what could be wrong. Of course deep down I know that it is probably the lack of working out that is finally getting me. Oh how I miss working out. :( BUT....
Tomorrow is my post-op follow up as well as my chemo consultation. Tomorrow I find out what drugs, and when I will start. In my mind I want to start NO later than the 13th. I have a trip to Florida that I plan on leaving for on the 16th. It is a very important trip. A trip that has been planned since, January/February. And I refuse to have to miss it. Sooo I would actually prefer to have chemo on Friday, Thursday if possible, but I still have to get my port put in so I don't see Thursday being possible. UGH! Just so damn ready to get this part going. Trying to keep my nerves in check. It is getting so HARD!
I have been fortunate so far in the help that I have gotten from my Mother, the blanket from my sister but made by one of her friends, the cake made by my daughter's basketball coach, the special drinks bought for me by my brother, and the scarf made by my daughter's teacher. I also can't forget the friends. Does anyone realize how awesome it was to see them sporting teal today for me? I cried. I am so lucky to have such caring people in my life.
Now it sounds as if I am going to have to go remind my lovely daughter that she is not the only person in the house. :)
Tomorrow is my post-op follow up as well as my chemo consultation. Tomorrow I find out what drugs, and when I will start. In my mind I want to start NO later than the 13th. I have a trip to Florida that I plan on leaving for on the 16th. It is a very important trip. A trip that has been planned since, January/February. And I refuse to have to miss it. Sooo I would actually prefer to have chemo on Friday, Thursday if possible, but I still have to get my port put in so I don't see Thursday being possible. UGH! Just so damn ready to get this part going. Trying to keep my nerves in check. It is getting so HARD!
I have been fortunate so far in the help that I have gotten from my Mother, the blanket from my sister but made by one of her friends, the cake made by my daughter's basketball coach, the special drinks bought for me by my brother, and the scarf made by my daughter's teacher. I also can't forget the friends. Does anyone realize how awesome it was to see them sporting teal today for me? I cried. I am so lucky to have such caring people in my life.
Now it sounds as if I am going to have to go remind my lovely daughter that she is not the only person in the house. :)
Friday, May 3, 2013
Father....
The last two weeks has seen old friends offer encouraging words, co-workers, my daughter's friends parents, my daughter's basketball coach, my half-brother offer more than just encouraging words, hell even my second step-mother offered encouraging words. There were a couple of people that I hadn't heard from, one of them being my father. I moved back to Alabama in 2008 and have extended branches and he has never taken them. I have been the one to visit him, he has never seen where I lived so after a while I person just stops trying and that is where I am. However I will say that I assumed, and will continue to assume that he had heard through the grapevine that I have cancer. Hell it has been on my sister's FB page and she is friends with him on there. So he knew right? No way he couldn't. Fast forward to today...
Mom and I are trying to get together all of the things that are recommended for one going through chemo. Today she stopped by my step-mother's store to see if she had any of these things. Mom picked up a few things and was telling her about me being sick. She acted as if she didn't know, which I suppose is remotely possible but then she proceeds to tell my Mother that my Father had chemo and there are new drugs that didn't make him sick. I want to ask when the hell he had cancer in his damn ovaries! That is probably one of the worst things a person can say to me, about me right now. Do people not realize that there are different chemo drugs that target different cancers? Just because you had chemo for kidney cancer, as with him, so we have been told, and you didn't get sick doesn't mean that the chemo I get for ovarian cancer WON'T make me sick.
Days after my diagnosis, after menopause had started, I cancelled the friend request I had sent to my Father on FB and blocked him. I could plead menopause insanity but the truth of the matter is, it finally hit me at that point in time that those who loved and cared about me had already contacted me or were watching me from above. I didn't need him or the stress of him. Sooooo
It was his loss when he chose to not have anything to do with us when we were children, it is his loss now. It has always been his loss, his choice and it will always be his loss, not mine but this time it is my choice.
Mom and I are trying to get together all of the things that are recommended for one going through chemo. Today she stopped by my step-mother's store to see if she had any of these things. Mom picked up a few things and was telling her about me being sick. She acted as if she didn't know, which I suppose is remotely possible but then she proceeds to tell my Mother that my Father had chemo and there are new drugs that didn't make him sick. I want to ask when the hell he had cancer in his damn ovaries! That is probably one of the worst things a person can say to me, about me right now. Do people not realize that there are different chemo drugs that target different cancers? Just because you had chemo for kidney cancer, as with him, so we have been told, and you didn't get sick doesn't mean that the chemo I get for ovarian cancer WON'T make me sick.
Days after my diagnosis, after menopause had started, I cancelled the friend request I had sent to my Father on FB and blocked him. I could plead menopause insanity but the truth of the matter is, it finally hit me at that point in time that those who loved and cared about me had already contacted me or were watching me from above. I didn't need him or the stress of him. Sooooo
It was his loss when he chose to not have anything to do with us when we were children, it is his loss now. It has always been his loss, his choice and it will always be his loss, not mine but this time it is my choice.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
A momentary break in normal posts
Dear girls,
I realize you are all in your teen years and you don't quite understand the rules of things such as relationships, friendships, family relations but it is time to straighten the hell up.
1) Relationships with boys ----Chances are that at 15 or 16 years old you are not going to marry your current boyfriend. What you think is real love, is not real love. Love isn't based on lying for your bf when he is drunk and wrecks the car with you in it. Just because a boy compliments another girl who looks pretty one day doesn't mean he is "cheating" on you. You want someone to treat you nice, that you can have fun with, trust and have something in common with. Without these your puppy love will not last.
2) Friendships - I swear it seems like girls are even more cattier than when I was a teenager. I had one or two close friends at your age and would have walked over hot coals for them. I trusted that when I told them something, unless it was going to cause physical harm to myself or someone else, that what I told them in confidence would stay there. Today though you girls seem even more hateful towards each other. One day you argue and it is the end of the damn relationship. A true friendship can weather one of you being cranky and moody one day, a true friendship can come bounce back from an argument. It seems like y'all don't realize this. A boy should NEVER be allowed to break the bonds of a true friendship but the right boy should NEVER strain a friendship either. Bickering is almost guaranteed but if you are true friends you can get past it. If you think that you can see yourself friends in 20 yrs then it is up to you build up the foundation to continue strengthening the relationship.
3) Family relations --- Your family will be the people who in the end will be there for you through almost anything and you should begin being that person for them as well. Life isn't always about the drama at school, the drama surrounding friends and boyfriends. There are times when health problems or a crisis will arise and your family will need you to step up and focus your energy on the family and not on outside influences. Don't bring the drama and crap home. The added stress of your drama can bring down the mental health of those who are trying to get better.
The last thing is be your own person. A $70.00 pair of sandals, $100 jeans, $200 jacket should NEVER define who you are. Yor attitude, your character those are things that should define you. BE smart, be talented, be nice, be loving, be strong, be trustworthy, be remembered for who you help, not who you hurt.
Signed,
An Adult Girl
This was written out of frustration, frustration that has been building up all week, well for weeks. One of my daughter's closest friends hasn't spoken to her since right after Spring Break, she and another friend got into an argument earlier in the week and now they aren't speaking, and then came today. Today she calls and says that the friend from earlier in the week and another friend were talking about her today and then tells me that the other friend told her something which my daughter told another friend who then told the BF of the other friend. I was PISSED. I have tried to be that parent who teaches their child to NOT bully, to NOT talk bad about people, to RESPECT people even those her own age and today, I am not sure if it because of the health issues going on with me, but I felt I failed her. I am so ready for school to be over it isn't even funny. I am ready for maturity to set in for all of the girls at her school.
Frustrated Mom
I realize you are all in your teen years and you don't quite understand the rules of things such as relationships, friendships, family relations but it is time to straighten the hell up.
1) Relationships with boys ----Chances are that at 15 or 16 years old you are not going to marry your current boyfriend. What you think is real love, is not real love. Love isn't based on lying for your bf when he is drunk and wrecks the car with you in it. Just because a boy compliments another girl who looks pretty one day doesn't mean he is "cheating" on you. You want someone to treat you nice, that you can have fun with, trust and have something in common with. Without these your puppy love will not last.
2) Friendships - I swear it seems like girls are even more cattier than when I was a teenager. I had one or two close friends at your age and would have walked over hot coals for them. I trusted that when I told them something, unless it was going to cause physical harm to myself or someone else, that what I told them in confidence would stay there. Today though you girls seem even more hateful towards each other. One day you argue and it is the end of the damn relationship. A true friendship can weather one of you being cranky and moody one day, a true friendship can come bounce back from an argument. It seems like y'all don't realize this. A boy should NEVER be allowed to break the bonds of a true friendship but the right boy should NEVER strain a friendship either. Bickering is almost guaranteed but if you are true friends you can get past it. If you think that you can see yourself friends in 20 yrs then it is up to you build up the foundation to continue strengthening the relationship.
3) Family relations --- Your family will be the people who in the end will be there for you through almost anything and you should begin being that person for them as well. Life isn't always about the drama at school, the drama surrounding friends and boyfriends. There are times when health problems or a crisis will arise and your family will need you to step up and focus your energy on the family and not on outside influences. Don't bring the drama and crap home. The added stress of your drama can bring down the mental health of those who are trying to get better.
The last thing is be your own person. A $70.00 pair of sandals, $100 jeans, $200 jacket should NEVER define who you are. Yor attitude, your character those are things that should define you. BE smart, be talented, be nice, be loving, be strong, be trustworthy, be remembered for who you help, not who you hurt.
Signed,
An Adult Girl
This was written out of frustration, frustration that has been building up all week, well for weeks. One of my daughter's closest friends hasn't spoken to her since right after Spring Break, she and another friend got into an argument earlier in the week and now they aren't speaking, and then came today. Today she calls and says that the friend from earlier in the week and another friend were talking about her today and then tells me that the other friend told her something which my daughter told another friend who then told the BF of the other friend. I was PISSED. I have tried to be that parent who teaches their child to NOT bully, to NOT talk bad about people, to RESPECT people even those her own age and today, I am not sure if it because of the health issues going on with me, but I felt I failed her. I am so ready for school to be over it isn't even funny. I am ready for maturity to set in for all of the girls at her school.
Frustrated Mom
Monday, April 29, 2013
Fears and Tears
I want to write a meaningful post, one in which I discuss my fears. The fear that I have that the PET scan will show something more than Stage 1. The fear that I have of the port and the chemo. The fear that I have of losing my hair and how worried I am that I will look awful bald. The fear that I will be like a lot of people and lose what little bit of financial wiggle room I have from my little pay. Fear that I will make my daughters teenage years tougher and she will resent me even though I have vowed to try not to let my cancer interfere with her childhood.
I also want to write in that post about the tears I shed yesterday over losing my hair and how awful I will look. The tears I shed over how much everything will cost and the strain I am already putting on my family and my friends, even if imagined. Tears that contain my fears, the largest of my fears, my self doubt. Yes I doubt whether or not I can do this, whether or not the strength everyone else says they see in me is actually real or if it is just a great façade I have managed to build and use to fool everyone else.
I want to be that person everyday who fights and is able to push through it all but I do know that I can't be that person all day, every day. Tonight however, I want to dream that I lose my hair and am able to see beauty in me where others may not. I want to dream that I am able to take on anything that is thrown at me and more and come out on top and I want to dream that my experiences no matter whether they are the drug addict ex or cancer can one day help someone else who may see themselves in a similar situation.
Sweet dreams and good health
I also want to write in that post about the tears I shed yesterday over losing my hair and how awful I will look. The tears I shed over how much everything will cost and the strain I am already putting on my family and my friends, even if imagined. Tears that contain my fears, the largest of my fears, my self doubt. Yes I doubt whether or not I can do this, whether or not the strength everyone else says they see in me is actually real or if it is just a great façade I have managed to build and use to fool everyone else.
I want to be that person everyday who fights and is able to push through it all but I do know that I can't be that person all day, every day. Tonight however, I want to dream that I lose my hair and am able to see beauty in me where others may not. I want to dream that I am able to take on anything that is thrown at me and more and come out on top and I want to dream that my experiences no matter whether they are the drug addict ex or cancer can one day help someone else who may see themselves in a similar situation.
Sweet dreams and good health
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Will I ever feel "normal" again?
I missed posting yesterday because I was totally and completely, utterly exhausted. I had a lot to do at work which was great, but I only managed to last until about 3:15. I walked in the door, came in and laid down and my daughter was in a talkative mood so no much needed nap. That didn't come until about 5:00 when in the middle of homework I fell asleep.
Today was pretty much the same except I stayed until about 3:45 and haven't fallen asleep yet although I have been well on my way many, many times since I walked in the door. I wonder if it will get better before it gets worse OR if I will even come close to feeling better before chemo starts which brings my next subject....
When will I start chemo? Seems to be the question of the year. Is it possible that I can get it in on the 9th, the 10th? I go to Florida on the 16th so it needs to be done by the 13th at the latest right? DAMN CANCER! YOU SUCK!
BUT my tape is off! Started to say my stitches were out, but I really think they just super glued me back together. I kind of feel like Humpty Dumpty. I was scared they were going to bleed or something but so far so good. Still tender. Makes me want to wear a dress to work tomorrow, but I don't want to wear heels tomorrow so what to do?
Also did email NOCC about the possibility of starting one of their chapters in this side of the world, and I got a response back but I haven't really read it yet. Guess I should get to it but I feel sleep taking hold. PLEASE let that mean I am in for a good, restful sleep tonight.
Til later.
Today was pretty much the same except I stayed until about 3:45 and haven't fallen asleep yet although I have been well on my way many, many times since I walked in the door. I wonder if it will get better before it gets worse OR if I will even come close to feeling better before chemo starts which brings my next subject....
When will I start chemo? Seems to be the question of the year. Is it possible that I can get it in on the 9th, the 10th? I go to Florida on the 16th so it needs to be done by the 13th at the latest right? DAMN CANCER! YOU SUCK!
BUT my tape is off! Started to say my stitches were out, but I really think they just super glued me back together. I kind of feel like Humpty Dumpty. I was scared they were going to bleed or something but so far so good. Still tender. Makes me want to wear a dress to work tomorrow, but I don't want to wear heels tomorrow so what to do?
Also did email NOCC about the possibility of starting one of their chapters in this side of the world, and I got a response back but I haven't really read it yet. Guess I should get to it but I feel sleep taking hold. PLEASE let that mean I am in for a good, restful sleep tonight.
Til later.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Day before I return to work
I am so ready to get back to work, except for the little bit of pain and the mood swings and the hot flashes. I think I will welcome the distraction. Of course where I thought I was finished with a couple of classes I actually found that I have a couple more assignments due and of course they are due THIS WEEK. UGH! I am ready for this semester to be over with, which reminds me, I need to take advantage of my scholarship, if at all possible, for one class during the summer.
I was on the American Cancer Society's website tonight and went to a site linked from their page that specializes in wigs, hats, scarves and some jewelry. I was suddenly reminded that I may need a medical alert bracelet depending on how the Dr does the port for the chemo. One more added expense to my already growing list. BTW someone may need to send me this list at a later day to make sure I have everything. There are so many things that I will HAVE to HAVE that maybe this one can be a "if I can afford it", maybe it is just cheaper to leave a note in my car or something that says "hey I have cancer, receive chemo and my port is.....". It isn't like most people won't know and rescue needs to know it will mean that I am alone and in my car. Hmmm is there an app for that?
Went to my family practice Dr today because of the fever. My right lung is a little tight and even though they don't think I have pneumonia they did change my antibiotic to something that would cover my lungs as well. They also gave me a prescription of Xanax to get me through until May 8th and we figure out the mood swings. The poor nurse practitioner I see, Misty, was floored when she heard my diagnosis. She actually teared up and then when my actual Dr came in, he was just as shocked. I did laughingly tell them "It wasn't sleep apnea". They got a laugh and it is like I told them, it isn't like they would have any clue to look for Ovarian Cancer. I didn't give them any symptoms other than the lack of weight loss and being tired all of the time. They couldn't have known and really would they have been able to stop it? No. Cancer does what it wants.
Well going to try to shower tonight and see if it gives the hot flashes a break. I am going to take a Xanax and see if I can get a little sleep. I am in for a big day tomorrow. :)
I was on the American Cancer Society's website tonight and went to a site linked from their page that specializes in wigs, hats, scarves and some jewelry. I was suddenly reminded that I may need a medical alert bracelet depending on how the Dr does the port for the chemo. One more added expense to my already growing list. BTW someone may need to send me this list at a later day to make sure I have everything. There are so many things that I will HAVE to HAVE that maybe this one can be a "if I can afford it", maybe it is just cheaper to leave a note in my car or something that says "hey I have cancer, receive chemo and my port is.....". It isn't like most people won't know and rescue needs to know it will mean that I am alone and in my car. Hmmm is there an app for that?
Went to my family practice Dr today because of the fever. My right lung is a little tight and even though they don't think I have pneumonia they did change my antibiotic to something that would cover my lungs as well. They also gave me a prescription of Xanax to get me through until May 8th and we figure out the mood swings. The poor nurse practitioner I see, Misty, was floored when she heard my diagnosis. She actually teared up and then when my actual Dr came in, he was just as shocked. I did laughingly tell them "It wasn't sleep apnea". They got a laugh and it is like I told them, it isn't like they would have any clue to look for Ovarian Cancer. I didn't give them any symptoms other than the lack of weight loss and being tired all of the time. They couldn't have known and really would they have been able to stop it? No. Cancer does what it wants.
Well going to try to shower tonight and see if it gives the hot flashes a break. I am going to take a Xanax and see if I can get a little sleep. I am in for a big day tomorrow. :)
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Many thoughts and so much to do
I have had a ton of thoughts pop into my head about what I wanted to write about tonight. I knew that I should have started this post earlier and then just updated it as the day progressed because now, at 10:16pm, I am having trouble remembering what those thoughts were.
First, the fever is back. I just don't understand. I didn't run one the entire day, I didn't "run the roads" as Mom calls it. As a matter of fact I took it crazy easy today. I was going to make an appt with my family practice Dr tomorrow about getting something to temporarily help my moods until I find out about hormone replacement. I have read that I can't take hormone meds until I finish chemo so I guess that will be something I will discuss on May 8th when I go back to Dr. Straughn. I guess Dr. Ayres can try to help me figure out what the fever is from. Knowing my luck it is sinuses.
Second, I started making a list of things I wanted to do and things I needed to get before I started chemo. They are really stupid...
1) New pillows. My pillows are two yrs old and have lost their fluff. I washed them about a month ago and it worked for about a week but then flattened out again. Think it is time to reinvest.
2) Paint my bedroom. I know that for about 2 days almost straight, if not more, I will be spending a great deal of time in here and it would be nice if it were a real color and the one wall of wallpaper was gone.
3) Find proper a proper nightstand. Right now this room is a piece meal furniture and my nightstand is an end table which I hate. It blocks the closet door and is more in the way than not.
4) Find two scarves in basic colors. Scarves targeted to people with cancer are outrageously expensive so I am on a mission to find just a couple basic ones that aren't going to cost $60 each.
5) I want a new tattoo. I know it isn't going to happen, but I want one.
The next few are strictly related to chemo.
I read an article from the American Cancer Society and apparently my chemo is dangerous to those around me so I am going to have to invest in
6) Clorox Wipes
7) Long Rubber Gloves
8) Disposable latex Gloves
Then for me because the chemo can cause mouth sores and dry out your skin
9) Extra soft bristle toothbrush
10) Biotene Mouthwash
11) Really good lotions - thinking Body Shop Body Butter.
There are more to add to the list I am sure but those are the ones I have remembered to write down today.
Third....While I didn't cry as much today over having cancer, I did find myself get very jealous of people I saw running in the neighborhood today. This latest and greatest attempt at running is my third and it seems like every time something knocks me back down. Well as soon as I get back to it I am going to. I may be even slower than I was, and I was damn slow, but I will do it. Or at least I want to do it. I know that right now I can't run but will I be able to run while I am doing chemo? I guess that is a question for the Dr.
I read also that I need to get my teeth cleaned before chemo because I can't while I am in treatment. I wonder if BCBS will allow me to move my cleaning up by 2 months. Probably not. I wonder what the cost is for a cleaning. Note to self - Call Dentist
Well I suppose I should make an attempt at sleeping. Last night was a horrible night so I desperately need this to be a good night.
Sleep Tight.
First, the fever is back. I just don't understand. I didn't run one the entire day, I didn't "run the roads" as Mom calls it. As a matter of fact I took it crazy easy today. I was going to make an appt with my family practice Dr tomorrow about getting something to temporarily help my moods until I find out about hormone replacement. I have read that I can't take hormone meds until I finish chemo so I guess that will be something I will discuss on May 8th when I go back to Dr. Straughn. I guess Dr. Ayres can try to help me figure out what the fever is from. Knowing my luck it is sinuses.
Second, I started making a list of things I wanted to do and things I needed to get before I started chemo. They are really stupid...
1) New pillows. My pillows are two yrs old and have lost their fluff. I washed them about a month ago and it worked for about a week but then flattened out again. Think it is time to reinvest.
2) Paint my bedroom. I know that for about 2 days almost straight, if not more, I will be spending a great deal of time in here and it would be nice if it were a real color and the one wall of wallpaper was gone.
3) Find proper a proper nightstand. Right now this room is a piece meal furniture and my nightstand is an end table which I hate. It blocks the closet door and is more in the way than not.
4) Find two scarves in basic colors. Scarves targeted to people with cancer are outrageously expensive so I am on a mission to find just a couple basic ones that aren't going to cost $60 each.
5) I want a new tattoo. I know it isn't going to happen, but I want one.
The next few are strictly related to chemo.
I read an article from the American Cancer Society and apparently my chemo is dangerous to those around me so I am going to have to invest in
6) Clorox Wipes
7) Long Rubber Gloves
8) Disposable latex Gloves
Then for me because the chemo can cause mouth sores and dry out your skin
9) Extra soft bristle toothbrush
10) Biotene Mouthwash
11) Really good lotions - thinking Body Shop Body Butter.
There are more to add to the list I am sure but those are the ones I have remembered to write down today.
Third....While I didn't cry as much today over having cancer, I did find myself get very jealous of people I saw running in the neighborhood today. This latest and greatest attempt at running is my third and it seems like every time something knocks me back down. Well as soon as I get back to it I am going to. I may be even slower than I was, and I was damn slow, but I will do it. Or at least I want to do it. I know that right now I can't run but will I be able to run while I am doing chemo? I guess that is a question for the Dr.
I read also that I need to get my teeth cleaned before chemo because I can't while I am in treatment. I wonder if BCBS will allow me to move my cleaning up by 2 months. Probably not. I wonder what the cost is for a cleaning. Note to self - Call Dentist
Well I suppose I should make an attempt at sleeping. Last night was a horrible night so I desperately need this to be a good night.
Sleep Tight.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
The Mood Swings Have Started
From the get-go this morning it wasn't good. I started by yelling at the cable company, no cussing at the cable company I never yelled and then came the tears, then the becoming so angry at a waiter that I had to leave the table in order to avoid going all exorcist on him., more tears, and more tears and more tears.
I cried this morning because I didn't know why I was crying. I cried because I have cancer. I cried because, well damn it I don't know why.
In addition to the mood swings came the hot flashes. WTH? Going from wearing a jacket because it was chilly outside to wanting to peel off every layer of clothing I could and take an ice bath. This is AWFUL!
Tonight brought the fever back again. I managed to avoid running one yesterday but it came back tonight knocking me on my butt. Placed a call to the Dr who stated that because I am not having any other symptoms, other than fever it could be anything. Anything from inflammation to infection for which I am already on an antibiotic.
Just ready, so ready to be healed from the surgery so I can move on to the next battle. For now I just hope tomorrow will be a better day.
I cried this morning because I didn't know why I was crying. I cried because I have cancer. I cried because, well damn it I don't know why.
In addition to the mood swings came the hot flashes. WTH? Going from wearing a jacket because it was chilly outside to wanting to peel off every layer of clothing I could and take an ice bath. This is AWFUL!
Tonight brought the fever back again. I managed to avoid running one yesterday but it came back tonight knocking me on my butt. Placed a call to the Dr who stated that because I am not having any other symptoms, other than fever it could be anything. Anything from inflammation to infection for which I am already on an antibiotic.
Just ready, so ready to be healed from the surgery so I can move on to the next battle. For now I just hope tomorrow will be a better day.
Friday, April 19, 2013
One day I will listen
Every day since I've been home from the hospital I've done something. I've gotten my hair cut, I've gone to the office, and today I ran a few errands although made up, and made it to Fiesta Friday but I am paying for it all.
The swelling has gone down some. I joked in the beginning that I looked like I was ready to give birth, then I was 6 mths pregnant, today I said I looked 4. Improvement. Today I've only taken as of 10pm 1 pain pill all day. Improvement. Of course I am taking one SOON! When I left this morning Mom and I stopped to get a card for my gyn Dr. Godfree, we stopped by Payless because I was wearing flip flops and it was raining and cold and Mother said I needed shoes, dropped the card off at the Dr's office, stopped by Hobby Lobby, went for lunch, stopped by Martin's all before 1:00. By the time I got home I was extremely sore. So sore in fact that I walked in the door and went straight to bed and slept for about 2 hours. When I woke I felt great so my stupid butt decided we were going to keep with our new Friday tradition and go for Mexican. That was probably the nail in the coffin. I am currently counting down time when I can take a pain pill. Stupid, stupid me.
I keep telling Mom that they told me to walk, they told me to move, but Mom keeps reminding me that they didn't tell me to run the road. What am I supposed to do? I get crazy being confined to the house, cabin fever I tell you!
However it dawned on me tonight that I must get better about listening. I know I can't do this when I start chemo, especially after Mom told me that the Dr had told them that he would probably put a port in my chest or in my side for chemo. I can't expect to do chemo one day and spend the day of and the few days after running the roads. Anyway she tells me this tonight and my first question was, "Will I be able to workout like I was?" UGH! I know the answer, Probably not. Especially not burpees and such. SUCKS!
Adopting a new motto though, "Cancer you picked the wrong BITCH". :) Saw it on cafepress on a decal and I think I want it, and about a million more. It is true though. I need to get my head straight and get moving. I refuse to give up the strength I was gaining before cancer and I refuse to let cancer win.
The swelling has gone down some. I joked in the beginning that I looked like I was ready to give birth, then I was 6 mths pregnant, today I said I looked 4. Improvement. Today I've only taken as of 10pm 1 pain pill all day. Improvement. Of course I am taking one SOON! When I left this morning Mom and I stopped to get a card for my gyn Dr. Godfree, we stopped by Payless because I was wearing flip flops and it was raining and cold and Mother said I needed shoes, dropped the card off at the Dr's office, stopped by Hobby Lobby, went for lunch, stopped by Martin's all before 1:00. By the time I got home I was extremely sore. So sore in fact that I walked in the door and went straight to bed and slept for about 2 hours. When I woke I felt great so my stupid butt decided we were going to keep with our new Friday tradition and go for Mexican. That was probably the nail in the coffin. I am currently counting down time when I can take a pain pill. Stupid, stupid me.
I keep telling Mom that they told me to walk, they told me to move, but Mom keeps reminding me that they didn't tell me to run the road. What am I supposed to do? I get crazy being confined to the house, cabin fever I tell you!
However it dawned on me tonight that I must get better about listening. I know I can't do this when I start chemo, especially after Mom told me that the Dr had told them that he would probably put a port in my chest or in my side for chemo. I can't expect to do chemo one day and spend the day of and the few days after running the roads. Anyway she tells me this tonight and my first question was, "Will I be able to workout like I was?" UGH! I know the answer, Probably not. Especially not burpees and such. SUCKS!
Adopting a new motto though, "Cancer you picked the wrong BITCH". :) Saw it on cafepress on a decal and I think I want it, and about a million more. It is true though. I need to get my head straight and get moving. I refuse to give up the strength I was gaining before cancer and I refuse to let cancer win.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Today was a GOOD DAY!
By now anyone who is close to me, who is family, or who bothers to read my blog or what I post on facebook, or cares what I post on facebook knows that I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. Dr. Straughn my gynecological oncologist was so shocked it was cancer that on Tuesday, the day after my hysterectomy, that when he came by for morning rounds he apologized. Initially, in addition to the cancer in my ovary he was worried about a lymph node that looked suspicious and he biopsied the fatty tissue surrounding the area. There were people around me who took it hard, Adam, Joy, Lorissa, Jenn, and then some who expected it, Mom, and then there was me. When Adam told me what the Dr. thought the diagnosis was going to be he choked up. I told him he didn't have to finish because I knew and I did. Lorissa took it hard but yesterday, as awful as it sounds, I told her that enough was enough and it was time to dry those tears because tears weren't going to help me fight.
When I say I knew, I knew. As soon as the CA-125 came back elevated, I knew. No one else may have known but I knew and maybe that is what was important. I hate that everyone else was blind-sided but deep down it was what I knew that was important. There is a part of me that wants to go to my regular Dr. and say, "See I told you there was a medical reason I couldn't lose weight and why I was tired all of the time, and it wasn't sleep apnea.:, but what else could he do? I didn't fit the "criteria" for ovarian cancer. I had the symptoms and maybe if I had gone in and said I have lower back pain, and pelvic pain, and bloating, and pain in my leg and I am tired all of the time, and I can't lose weight, I don't eat much and when I do my stomach rumbles like a volcano because I am having digestive issues, that I am constipated but think I have to pee all of the time, if I had told him all of those maybe he would have known, but I had a reason for everything other than the battle with losing weight and the tiredness. I do think he will be more cautious with me because we all know that once you have cancer once you are more like to have another and once you have ovarian you are more likely to have breast cancer.
Anyway fast forward to today. I waited all day, all day to hear from the Dr. I ate a little bit of pizza and I mean a little because all I can seem to eat is just a little. On the drive home I called the Dr's office and left a message for the nurse. She called back at 2:29 and said that Dr. Straughn had gotten results back late Wednesday that he had been in surgery this morning and that she believed he was calling patients today. She said she would email him and give him my cell number to call me back on. I waited the rest of the afternoon. Pain pill kicked in so I laid down for about 30 mins, got back up and decided I would eat a chicken wing or two. I actually had 5 on the plate. I had eaten two and had taken a bite off the 3rd one when the phone rang. Dr. Straughn, it was 6:18. The news he gave me was much better than I could have hoped for. Where he was worried it was Stage 2 or Stage 3, it was Stage 1. I still have to go through 6 months of chemo but so much better than it could have been.
The 5 year survival rate for Stage 1, Grade 1 is 89%, better than 65ish% for Stage 2 and the 34ish % for Stage 3. I will take those odds. Actually I was going to take any odds and I was going to beat them. I was going to fight and I am still going to fight. I was going to win and I am still going to win. However, now I have a new mission. I want to save lives. I want to educate women, all people on this. If it hadn't been for a couple of symptoms I couldn't push off on something else, and a Dr. who is ready for retirement, I could have had a harder time fighting this battle and I could have lost. I owe so much for this diagnosis. Now if this swelling would go down and the little bit of pain I am having would go away I would be SOOOO much better!
So my blog will probably take a new direction for a while. I will still write about working out, and weight loss but there will be additions that will cover chemo and my journey. This is just another chapter right? Another leg of the journey we call life.
Thank you everyone who prayed and wished me well. I wish that I could bottle all of the positive energy y'all have given me over this week and give it away. Not everyone is as fortunate as I am to be surrounded by such wonderful people and that is sad. I hope that I can be that supportive to people when they need me.
Pain pill is kicking back in and fever is coming back up so maybe it is time to finish this rambling. Tonight hug your kids tight and tell your loved ones, friends and family you love them, and know that I love you all!
When I say I knew, I knew. As soon as the CA-125 came back elevated, I knew. No one else may have known but I knew and maybe that is what was important. I hate that everyone else was blind-sided but deep down it was what I knew that was important. There is a part of me that wants to go to my regular Dr. and say, "See I told you there was a medical reason I couldn't lose weight and why I was tired all of the time, and it wasn't sleep apnea.:, but what else could he do? I didn't fit the "criteria" for ovarian cancer. I had the symptoms and maybe if I had gone in and said I have lower back pain, and pelvic pain, and bloating, and pain in my leg and I am tired all of the time, and I can't lose weight, I don't eat much and when I do my stomach rumbles like a volcano because I am having digestive issues, that I am constipated but think I have to pee all of the time, if I had told him all of those maybe he would have known, but I had a reason for everything other than the battle with losing weight and the tiredness. I do think he will be more cautious with me because we all know that once you have cancer once you are more like to have another and once you have ovarian you are more likely to have breast cancer.
Anyway fast forward to today. I waited all day, all day to hear from the Dr. I ate a little bit of pizza and I mean a little because all I can seem to eat is just a little. On the drive home I called the Dr's office and left a message for the nurse. She called back at 2:29 and said that Dr. Straughn had gotten results back late Wednesday that he had been in surgery this morning and that she believed he was calling patients today. She said she would email him and give him my cell number to call me back on. I waited the rest of the afternoon. Pain pill kicked in so I laid down for about 30 mins, got back up and decided I would eat a chicken wing or two. I actually had 5 on the plate. I had eaten two and had taken a bite off the 3rd one when the phone rang. Dr. Straughn, it was 6:18. The news he gave me was much better than I could have hoped for. Where he was worried it was Stage 2 or Stage 3, it was Stage 1. I still have to go through 6 months of chemo but so much better than it could have been.
The 5 year survival rate for Stage 1, Grade 1 is 89%, better than 65ish% for Stage 2 and the 34ish % for Stage 3. I will take those odds. Actually I was going to take any odds and I was going to beat them. I was going to fight and I am still going to fight. I was going to win and I am still going to win. However, now I have a new mission. I want to save lives. I want to educate women, all people on this. If it hadn't been for a couple of symptoms I couldn't push off on something else, and a Dr. who is ready for retirement, I could have had a harder time fighting this battle and I could have lost. I owe so much for this diagnosis. Now if this swelling would go down and the little bit of pain I am having would go away I would be SOOOO much better!
So my blog will probably take a new direction for a while. I will still write about working out, and weight loss but there will be additions that will cover chemo and my journey. This is just another chapter right? Another leg of the journey we call life.
Thank you everyone who prayed and wished me well. I wish that I could bottle all of the positive energy y'all have given me over this week and give it away. Not everyone is as fortunate as I am to be surrounded by such wonderful people and that is sad. I hope that I can be that supportive to people when they need me.
Pain pill is kicking back in and fever is coming back up so maybe it is time to finish this rambling. Tonight hug your kids tight and tell your loved ones, friends and family you love them, and know that I love you all!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Please read
This is my speech I gave last Friday for my speech class.
Ovarian Cancer- It is YOUR life
According to the Ovarian Cancer National Alliance ovarian cancer is the 8th most common cancer in the United States, the 5th leading cause of death in women, and the #1 leading cause of gynecological death. The symptoms of Ovarian Cancer are so few and so quiet that unless we as women pay attention to our bodies, we run the risk of suffering from a disease that if not diagnosed in the early stages, can ultimately take our lives from us.
The number of women diagnosed in 2009 with ovarian cancer was 20,460. It seems like a relatively low number but in 2009 14,436 women died from this disease. It is projected that this year alone the number of cases diagnosed will be 22,240 while 14,030 will die. In the last 40 years the mortality rate has NOT improved as it has with other cancers. According to the Ovarian Cancer National Alliance 1 in 72 women run the risk of developing invasive ovarian cancer and 1 in 95 women run the risk of dying from invasive ovarian cancer. These are odds aren’t very good.
The CDC lists the symptoms of ovarian cancer as abnormal vaginal bleeding or discharge, pelvic pain or pressure, abdominal or back pain, bloating, persistent lack of energy and changes in bathroom habits such as constipation and frequent urination. It is easy to see how a woman can have any, or possibly all of these symptoms and shrug them off. These could be symptoms of anything, even a mainstream stomach virus.
Risk factors for ovarian cancer – Middle-aged or older, close family members, on either side, with a history of ovarian cancer, breast cancer or colorectal cancer, Eastern European Jewish background, have never given birth or have had trouble getting pregnant, have had endometriosis, and are obese. Having one of these risk factors doesn’t mean you will get ovarian cancer but also NOT having a risk factor doesn’t mean you will be fortunate enough to not have to face this disease.
While there has been huge advances made in detecting most cancers unfortunately there are no concrete screenings for Ovarian Cancer. There is a blood test, CA-125, that was hoped to be an ovarian cancer marker. While it does help to diagnose at times, and helps in the treatment of women already diagnosed, this cancer antigen protein can become elevated for a number of reason and so it isn’t the widely used as means to diagnose. Transvaginal ultrasounds, if a mass is suspected, can give Dr’s a view of the reproductive system, specifically the ovaries, and although there is a difference between a normal cyst and an abnormal cyst, a diagnosis of malignancy can’t be given with this test so even it isn’t 100% effective. The BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 test can help to give a woman a slight edge, because a woman who has the breast cancer mutation is also at a high risk of developing ovarian cancer but ultimately it is up to us women to listen to our bodies and push the issue if we are experiencing any of the symptoms.
While ovarian cancer is most common in women over the age of 40, women of any age, including young girls, can be diagnosed. However, per the Siteman Cancer Center at Washington University School of Medicine, the majority of cases are diagnosed in women over the age of 45 with the median age being 63. Most cases of ovarian cancer are not diagnosed until Stage III or Stage IV. By this time, especially by Stage IV the survival rate is very low. When diagnosed at Stage I or Stage II the survival rate is 90%, however according to cancer.org, the American Cancer Society’s website, the survival rate for invasive ovarian cancer at Stage III is 34% and at Stage IV it drops to a scary 18%. 18%? This is should hardly be acceptable to a woman when it comes to her life.
But what can we do to improve our odds? The most important factor in diagnosis is listening to our bodies and our intuition. This is hard for us because as women we are faced with a million things we must do every day. Family, work, we have a tendency to ignore what our bodies are telling us. No matter our age, our income, or family status, we can wake one day with the possibility of ovarian cancer staring us in the face. I know this because I am there now. For months I have been having all of the symptoms I listed, and for months I found another reason as to what could be the cause for example I work out too much, I haven’t lost enough weight, I am eating more vegetables, stress and then one simple Dr’s visit changed everything. I went in trying to push the issue of being tired all of the time. After a transvaginal ultrasound the Dr ordered the CA-125 test. Two weeks later I was informed that there is a mass on my ovary and that my CA-125 levels are elevated. I was referred to a gynecological oncologist at UAB who will be performing surgery on Monday to find out for sure if the mass I have is cancer because unfortunately this is the only way to know for sure. The Dr is confident that if it is malignant I could have saved my own life. I pushed the issue of being tired all of the time, even though I attributed it to other reasons but because I pushed he went a little further and delved deeper. I urge ALL women, ALL of you, listen to your body and listen to your instincts this is the only way to absolutely give yourself a fighting chance. And if you are diagnosed, spread the word because in the end you may very well be saving a life of a friend, loved one or even a stranger.
Ovarian Cancer- It is YOUR life
According to the Ovarian Cancer National Alliance ovarian cancer is the 8th most common cancer in the United States, the 5th leading cause of death in women, and the #1 leading cause of gynecological death. The symptoms of Ovarian Cancer are so few and so quiet that unless we as women pay attention to our bodies, we run the risk of suffering from a disease that if not diagnosed in the early stages, can ultimately take our lives from us.
The number of women diagnosed in 2009 with ovarian cancer was 20,460. It seems like a relatively low number but in 2009 14,436 women died from this disease. It is projected that this year alone the number of cases diagnosed will be 22,240 while 14,030 will die. In the last 40 years the mortality rate has NOT improved as it has with other cancers. According to the Ovarian Cancer National Alliance 1 in 72 women run the risk of developing invasive ovarian cancer and 1 in 95 women run the risk of dying from invasive ovarian cancer. These are odds aren’t very good.
The CDC lists the symptoms of ovarian cancer as abnormal vaginal bleeding or discharge, pelvic pain or pressure, abdominal or back pain, bloating, persistent lack of energy and changes in bathroom habits such as constipation and frequent urination. It is easy to see how a woman can have any, or possibly all of these symptoms and shrug them off. These could be symptoms of anything, even a mainstream stomach virus.
Risk factors for ovarian cancer – Middle-aged or older, close family members, on either side, with a history of ovarian cancer, breast cancer or colorectal cancer, Eastern European Jewish background, have never given birth or have had trouble getting pregnant, have had endometriosis, and are obese. Having one of these risk factors doesn’t mean you will get ovarian cancer but also NOT having a risk factor doesn’t mean you will be fortunate enough to not have to face this disease.
While there has been huge advances made in detecting most cancers unfortunately there are no concrete screenings for Ovarian Cancer. There is a blood test, CA-125, that was hoped to be an ovarian cancer marker. While it does help to diagnose at times, and helps in the treatment of women already diagnosed, this cancer antigen protein can become elevated for a number of reason and so it isn’t the widely used as means to diagnose. Transvaginal ultrasounds, if a mass is suspected, can give Dr’s a view of the reproductive system, specifically the ovaries, and although there is a difference between a normal cyst and an abnormal cyst, a diagnosis of malignancy can’t be given with this test so even it isn’t 100% effective. The BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 test can help to give a woman a slight edge, because a woman who has the breast cancer mutation is also at a high risk of developing ovarian cancer but ultimately it is up to us women to listen to our bodies and push the issue if we are experiencing any of the symptoms.
While ovarian cancer is most common in women over the age of 40, women of any age, including young girls, can be diagnosed. However, per the Siteman Cancer Center at Washington University School of Medicine, the majority of cases are diagnosed in women over the age of 45 with the median age being 63. Most cases of ovarian cancer are not diagnosed until Stage III or Stage IV. By this time, especially by Stage IV the survival rate is very low. When diagnosed at Stage I or Stage II the survival rate is 90%, however according to cancer.org, the American Cancer Society’s website, the survival rate for invasive ovarian cancer at Stage III is 34% and at Stage IV it drops to a scary 18%. 18%? This is should hardly be acceptable to a woman when it comes to her life.
But what can we do to improve our odds? The most important factor in diagnosis is listening to our bodies and our intuition. This is hard for us because as women we are faced with a million things we must do every day. Family, work, we have a tendency to ignore what our bodies are telling us. No matter our age, our income, or family status, we can wake one day with the possibility of ovarian cancer staring us in the face. I know this because I am there now. For months I have been having all of the symptoms I listed, and for months I found another reason as to what could be the cause for example I work out too much, I haven’t lost enough weight, I am eating more vegetables, stress and then one simple Dr’s visit changed everything. I went in trying to push the issue of being tired all of the time. After a transvaginal ultrasound the Dr ordered the CA-125 test. Two weeks later I was informed that there is a mass on my ovary and that my CA-125 levels are elevated. I was referred to a gynecological oncologist at UAB who will be performing surgery on Monday to find out for sure if the mass I have is cancer because unfortunately this is the only way to know for sure. The Dr is confident that if it is malignant I could have saved my own life. I pushed the issue of being tired all of the time, even though I attributed it to other reasons but because I pushed he went a little further and delved deeper. I urge ALL women, ALL of you, listen to your body and listen to your instincts this is the only way to absolutely give yourself a fighting chance. And if you are diagnosed, spread the word because in the end you may very well be saving a life of a friend, loved one or even a stranger.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
.......................
What a week it was last week. Starting on Tuesday when I went to the Dr for test results. Earlier in the month I had an appt with the gyn for the yearly. During the appt he ordered blood work to see if I was possible pre-menopausal. He also ordered an ultrasound. During the ultrasound they found a mass on my ovary and a fibroid on my uterus. He then added a CA-125 to my blood work. CA-125 is a blood test that can be used to test for ovarian cancer. What a wait that was..
Around the 19th I was on the phone with the Dr's office because I hadn't heard anything about the blood work, pap test was normal, but the blood work. The nurse just said, the Dr prefers to discuss the results in person, she just kept on, I made the appt but almost as soon as I hung up the phone my email notification went off on my phone. The email was from labcorp. For those who don't know lapcorp will allow you to view your test results when they come in. Yeah probably a good thing when you have thyroid issues like me, but not when you are waiting on some major test results like the CA-125. My heart sank when I opened the email. Thyroid was off..AGAIN, but everything else was normal, except for the CA-125. It was elevated. I started to cry, but just for a moment. I did some research and found it could be yes or it could be no because there are other things that can cause it to be elevated. The fact remained that I would have to wait to see the Dr to get his take on it.
Fast forward to the 26th. Dr appt. Another ultrasound before I even saw the Dr. As I waited to be taken to a room one of the nurses looked at me sad-eyed and asked if I was okay. I started to tear up. I knew then it wasn't good. They had me go back out the main waiting room while the Dr viewed the shots again. I was only there a few minutes when I was led to a room. Dr. Godfree said that the blood work was elevated, the ultrasound showed a fairly large mass on my left ovary and he recommended that I go to a gynecological oncologist. Funny I thought I was prepared to hear that but I wasn't, I still cried. He assured me that my age was in my favor because ovarian cancer is rare in someone who isn't in menopause, and he also said that if it was definitely ovarian cancer, he was fairly confident that we had found it in time. He had the nurses get on getting me an appt at UAB. As they led me to the exit talking to me about what they would do for me, and how they would say prayers for me I cried. I didn't sob, I just cried. I saved the sobbing for when I got to the car. The entire day I cried. At times it was just a little cry, others it was sobbing. Scared.....
As luck would have it the Dr at UAB had a cancellation the very next day and so I immediately jumped on it. Wednesday...I woke that morning nervous as hell. Mom went with me to Birmingham. Sitting in the waiting room I fought back tears. Being led to a room I fought back tears. The nurse assured me I was in the best place. Exam and then consultation....Dr feels there is a chance the mass is just endometrial but as he said he won't know for sure until he does surgery and/or the pathology report comes back. So April 15th I will have a full hysterectomy.
So now I wait. I felt better when I left that day. Since then I have had good moments, I have had moments where I cleaned the office due to stress, then there were days like today where I have been on the verge of tears all day. Truth be told I am scared. I will be scared until I have the surgery and I know, know for sure on way or another.
I have slacked all the past week but it is time to work my butt off until surgery day. I will have a few weeks, barring any complications, that I won't be able to work out HARD, I will still be able to do thinks like yoga and walking, but not any of the jarring workouts.
Fear does a lot to a person, I just hope that I am able to get through all of this, no matter the outcome, without driving myself crazy (crazier).
Around the 19th I was on the phone with the Dr's office because I hadn't heard anything about the blood work, pap test was normal, but the blood work. The nurse just said, the Dr prefers to discuss the results in person, she just kept on, I made the appt but almost as soon as I hung up the phone my email notification went off on my phone. The email was from labcorp. For those who don't know lapcorp will allow you to view your test results when they come in. Yeah probably a good thing when you have thyroid issues like me, but not when you are waiting on some major test results like the CA-125. My heart sank when I opened the email. Thyroid was off..AGAIN, but everything else was normal, except for the CA-125. It was elevated. I started to cry, but just for a moment. I did some research and found it could be yes or it could be no because there are other things that can cause it to be elevated. The fact remained that I would have to wait to see the Dr to get his take on it.
Fast forward to the 26th. Dr appt. Another ultrasound before I even saw the Dr. As I waited to be taken to a room one of the nurses looked at me sad-eyed and asked if I was okay. I started to tear up. I knew then it wasn't good. They had me go back out the main waiting room while the Dr viewed the shots again. I was only there a few minutes when I was led to a room. Dr. Godfree said that the blood work was elevated, the ultrasound showed a fairly large mass on my left ovary and he recommended that I go to a gynecological oncologist. Funny I thought I was prepared to hear that but I wasn't, I still cried. He assured me that my age was in my favor because ovarian cancer is rare in someone who isn't in menopause, and he also said that if it was definitely ovarian cancer, he was fairly confident that we had found it in time. He had the nurses get on getting me an appt at UAB. As they led me to the exit talking to me about what they would do for me, and how they would say prayers for me I cried. I didn't sob, I just cried. I saved the sobbing for when I got to the car. The entire day I cried. At times it was just a little cry, others it was sobbing. Scared.....
As luck would have it the Dr at UAB had a cancellation the very next day and so I immediately jumped on it. Wednesday...I woke that morning nervous as hell. Mom went with me to Birmingham. Sitting in the waiting room I fought back tears. Being led to a room I fought back tears. The nurse assured me I was in the best place. Exam and then consultation....Dr feels there is a chance the mass is just endometrial but as he said he won't know for sure until he does surgery and/or the pathology report comes back. So April 15th I will have a full hysterectomy.
So now I wait. I felt better when I left that day. Since then I have had good moments, I have had moments where I cleaned the office due to stress, then there were days like today where I have been on the verge of tears all day. Truth be told I am scared. I will be scared until I have the surgery and I know, know for sure on way or another.
I have slacked all the past week but it is time to work my butt off until surgery day. I will have a few weeks, barring any complications, that I won't be able to work out HARD, I will still be able to do thinks like yoga and walking, but not any of the jarring workouts.
Fear does a lot to a person, I just hope that I am able to get through all of this, no matter the outcome, without driving myself crazy (crazier).
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Berry College Race Day.
Jessica Cornwell, on her 39th birthday drove 1 1/2 hours to Rome Georgia from Southside, AL to run in her first 5K. It was pitch black, except for the lightning that lit the sky.
It rained steadily even as I arrived at Berry College. I checked in and picked up my packet but by this time my feet were already wet, it was only 7am. The race had already been delayed by an hour at this time so I took my bag to my car and pinned my bib on. I then waited. I waited, and I waited some more.
I stayed in the gym for a bit, in the dry and warmth, but the amount of people in there was smothering. I walked outside to the runner's refreshments tent and got a drink. I walked back to the gym. I walked back outside and back to the runner's tent about an hour later, or at least it seemed. I then decided to find me a place, semi-dry because by this time NO PLACE was dry. Then it came, Half was cancelled. The 5K & 10K were still on tentatively, but, and the announcer made this clear, if there was one more lightning strike it was over. As if to test him, lightning streaked across the sky and thunder boomed. About 10 mins after the cancellation of the half came the announcement that and along with it my goal of running my first 5K as a birthday present to myself had ben cancelled. A young girl who was there to run her first 10K and I were both on the verge of tears. I am not sure if mine were because my hopes were dashed or because I was so freezing cold I thought I was going to die. Hell it was probably a combination of both.
Today though, I am sick. I could already feel myself trying to catch the stupid cold that has been going around work but I went anyway. Can I just say that water repellant it not good enough to keep you dry. I am not sure anything would have been good enough to keep me dry yesterday short of an indoors run and even that would have been questionable. I can say at least I followed through. I signed up, the day came and I got up at 3:30 in the morning, I drove to the race in the awful weather, I signed in and I stayed. I was prepared to run it. A year ago I would have never even signed up. I guess you could say I fought the battle and won right?
Now excuse me while I go take another dose of Nyquil.
It rained steadily even as I arrived at Berry College. I checked in and picked up my packet but by this time my feet were already wet, it was only 7am. The race had already been delayed by an hour at this time so I took my bag to my car and pinned my bib on. I then waited. I waited, and I waited some more.
I stayed in the gym for a bit, in the dry and warmth, but the amount of people in there was smothering. I walked outside to the runner's refreshments tent and got a drink. I walked back to the gym. I walked back outside and back to the runner's tent about an hour later, or at least it seemed. I then decided to find me a place, semi-dry because by this time NO PLACE was dry. Then it came, Half was cancelled. The 5K & 10K were still on tentatively, but, and the announcer made this clear, if there was one more lightning strike it was over. As if to test him, lightning streaked across the sky and thunder boomed. About 10 mins after the cancellation of the half came the announcement that and along with it my goal of running my first 5K as a birthday present to myself had ben cancelled. A young girl who was there to run her first 10K and I were both on the verge of tears. I am not sure if mine were because my hopes were dashed or because I was so freezing cold I thought I was going to die. Hell it was probably a combination of both.
Today though, I am sick. I could already feel myself trying to catch the stupid cold that has been going around work but I went anyway. Can I just say that water repellant it not good enough to keep you dry. I am not sure anything would have been good enough to keep me dry yesterday short of an indoors run and even that would have been questionable. I can say at least I followed through. I signed up, the day came and I got up at 3:30 in the morning, I drove to the race in the awful weather, I signed in and I stayed. I was prepared to run it. A year ago I would have never even signed up. I guess you could say I fought the battle and won right?
Now excuse me while I go take another dose of Nyquil.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Calories in, Calories out
Eat good calories, burn calories. Okay I do that. Yes I have days where I hit a bump. Days where dogs have seizures, or kids have issues. Days where because you are on your way to Birmingham to the ER you are forced to find something semi-okay calorie wise off the Jack's menu because nutritious isn't there. All in all though, I do well so I just don't understand. I don't.
The Dr said it would take a year to get my thyroid regulated. That was in 2011. Thyroid levels will be off, off, then ok, then ok, then back to bad. Well that has been the cycle for the last year and a half. On the last test my thyroid was .77, and that is pretty good, but yet I am still not losing weight and STILL feel like I have been hit by a truck. A BIG, FREAKING TRUCK that hit me at 100mph. Doc wanted to try me on a prescription that is normally given to people who suffer from nacrolepsy, shift work syndrome or obstructive sleep apnea. Insurance said NO. I was soooo looking forward to having even just a day, where I would be alert, I would be able to go to work for 9 hours, come home, workout, do homework and whatever else I need to do here, but apparently the insurance company knows everything about everything. Back to square one. Some people think sleep apnea and I guess when I can find someone to stay with kids I will have the sleep study done, but I seriously do not think that is it. I sleep deep, very deep, so deep that there are times I don't even hear the alarm clock. I just wonder how much longer I can do this? I am ready to cry over it as it is. What do I need to do fall asleep driving?
Back to the weight loss though, my first 5k is in 3 weeks. Actually this Saturday it will be 2 weeks away. I had this vision in my head that I would be running it minus at least 40 pounds. Of course I never thought that I would be running it alone either. Wait I never thought I was going to run one period. When I signed up for it though, I thought "I can do this." and I can, then I thought "I will do this and I will do it okay", then I thought "I will really do this okay because I will get more weight off and that will help", and now I am like "Shit, this race is right here and it is going to hurt". I WILL finish and I guess for my first race I will do ehhh, but I want better than ehh, just like I want my grades this semester to be all A's but in reality I have A's and B's. Instead of getting excited about the race I am starting to worry that people are going to look at my fat ass and think "Really? She thinks she is going to do this?" I know I am too tough on myself. I know, always have been, a huge fault of mine, but I don't want to fail. Finishing though isn't failing right? That is all I need to do right now, FINISH. I know this, but I don't want it to take an hour. There is a possibility I will do better than I am expecting myself to do, but I just want to be able to go in there as confident as I went into my midterm yesterday.
Wow this one has been long and hasn't been exactly a pleasant experience to write or for the few that read to read. I realize that I am my own worst enemy. (Yes I sung that line). I just want to prove to those around me that I can do this, but most of all I want to prove to myself that I can do this. For so many years I was the fat girl, the nice girl but I am tired of that. I want to be the nice girl, the healthy girl, but the girl who DID IT! I just need things to start cooperating. :(
Tomorrow....Calories in, Calories out right?
The Dr said it would take a year to get my thyroid regulated. That was in 2011. Thyroid levels will be off, off, then ok, then ok, then back to bad. Well that has been the cycle for the last year and a half. On the last test my thyroid was .77, and that is pretty good, but yet I am still not losing weight and STILL feel like I have been hit by a truck. A BIG, FREAKING TRUCK that hit me at 100mph. Doc wanted to try me on a prescription that is normally given to people who suffer from nacrolepsy, shift work syndrome or obstructive sleep apnea. Insurance said NO. I was soooo looking forward to having even just a day, where I would be alert, I would be able to go to work for 9 hours, come home, workout, do homework and whatever else I need to do here, but apparently the insurance company knows everything about everything. Back to square one. Some people think sleep apnea and I guess when I can find someone to stay with kids I will have the sleep study done, but I seriously do not think that is it. I sleep deep, very deep, so deep that there are times I don't even hear the alarm clock. I just wonder how much longer I can do this? I am ready to cry over it as it is. What do I need to do fall asleep driving?
Back to the weight loss though, my first 5k is in 3 weeks. Actually this Saturday it will be 2 weeks away. I had this vision in my head that I would be running it minus at least 40 pounds. Of course I never thought that I would be running it alone either. Wait I never thought I was going to run one period. When I signed up for it though, I thought "I can do this." and I can, then I thought "I will do this and I will do it okay", then I thought "I will really do this okay because I will get more weight off and that will help", and now I am like "Shit, this race is right here and it is going to hurt". I WILL finish and I guess for my first race I will do ehhh, but I want better than ehh, just like I want my grades this semester to be all A's but in reality I have A's and B's. Instead of getting excited about the race I am starting to worry that people are going to look at my fat ass and think "Really? She thinks she is going to do this?" I know I am too tough on myself. I know, always have been, a huge fault of mine, but I don't want to fail. Finishing though isn't failing right? That is all I need to do right now, FINISH. I know this, but I don't want it to take an hour. There is a possibility I will do better than I am expecting myself to do, but I just want to be able to go in there as confident as I went into my midterm yesterday.
Wow this one has been long and hasn't been exactly a pleasant experience to write or for the few that read to read. I realize that I am my own worst enemy. (Yes I sung that line). I just want to prove to those around me that I can do this, but most of all I want to prove to myself that I can do this. For so many years I was the fat girl, the nice girl but I am tired of that. I want to be the nice girl, the healthy girl, but the girl who DID IT! I just need things to start cooperating. :(
Tomorrow....Calories in, Calories out right?
Saturday, March 2, 2013
I've faltered
At the beginning of this week I was down 21 pounds since Oct. I am still down 20 but the 1 pound came back and I know why.
Starting Tuesday my world has gone crazy. So I've been emotional eating. I realize this and yet I don't want to stop it. I can feel depression knocking on my door, rather loudly. For instance, today all I've wanted to do is sleep. I've managed to get a little school work done but things I need to do, like laundry or things I want to do like workout, I've not had the drive to do. The food I have chosen has not been the best, well dinner wasn't too awful bad, but it is the in between foods that are killing me today and yesterday and the day before. Stress has always been something I've struggled to deal with but this stress is almost crippling.
I am also PMSing and it SUCKS! Spent a few years not having that issue and the last few months it has kicked in and up and I am ready for it to STOP!.
I need to learn to NOT let all of this get me, and knock me out of my new lifestyle. I need to learn to find other ways to deal with it, to beat the depression, the stress, the pms. Deep down I know that it would help to workout, and I guess that is where having a workout partner would be a blessing, but because I don't I need to find the fight within myself.
That being said, is it time for bed yet?
Starting Tuesday my world has gone crazy. So I've been emotional eating. I realize this and yet I don't want to stop it. I can feel depression knocking on my door, rather loudly. For instance, today all I've wanted to do is sleep. I've managed to get a little school work done but things I need to do, like laundry or things I want to do like workout, I've not had the drive to do. The food I have chosen has not been the best, well dinner wasn't too awful bad, but it is the in between foods that are killing me today and yesterday and the day before. Stress has always been something I've struggled to deal with but this stress is almost crippling.
I am also PMSing and it SUCKS! Spent a few years not having that issue and the last few months it has kicked in and up and I am ready for it to STOP!.
I need to learn to NOT let all of this get me, and knock me out of my new lifestyle. I need to learn to find other ways to deal with it, to beat the depression, the stress, the pms. Deep down I know that it would help to workout, and I guess that is where having a workout partner would be a blessing, but because I don't I need to find the fight within myself.
That being said, is it time for bed yet?
Friday, February 8, 2013
Just a quick note
Yesterday I failed my health screening at work because of my BMI ONLY. Blood work, blood pressure was awesome, but BMI was awful. I knew it was going to be but as I told her when she started to lecture me, I am working on it. Which brings me to this....
I walked from the back door to the living room and for a second I glanced in the mirror that I always try to avoid and guess what I saw? I saw change. In that mirror I saw a woman who although overweight, I saw a bit of a smaller stomach, and hips. I can see change in my face, and a change in my legs, but the biggest change? Well the biggest change is that I am stronger, physically and mentally and I can't wait to see it get even better!
:) Good Night
I walked from the back door to the living room and for a second I glanced in the mirror that I always try to avoid and guess what I saw? I saw change. In that mirror I saw a woman who although overweight, I saw a bit of a smaller stomach, and hips. I can see change in my face, and a change in my legs, but the biggest change? Well the biggest change is that I am stronger, physically and mentally and I can't wait to see it get even better!
:) Good Night
Monday, January 21, 2013
5k Dream
For the last year or so I have been tossing around the idea of running a 5k. Now I knew a couple of years ago that there was no way I was physically or mentally able to do it and then later that year when I started trying to get the weight off by eating right and working out I also started trying to use the C25K on the treadmill. Well shin splints happened. They suck! Then last year I started upping my workouts because the 20 yr class reunion was around the corner and then for some reason not only was the weight not coming off, but even my attempts at running on the treadmill were not very good. Then I got the idea to try running outside and I started making progress and then I fractured my foot. Now here I am 2013 and I have jumped by leaps and bounds above where I have been.
On Saturday when I was running and by running I mean walk a little, run some, walk a little, run some I had this epiphany. I am a runner because I run. I may not be good at it, I may look like fool or a cow when I run, I may have to walk portions of it still, but I run and I enjoy it and I can't WAIT until I can run it all.
Today was hard on me. My left knee and right ankle both had me almost in tears but I pushed through it. I am not a quitter. I will not be a quitter. I will run that first 5k. I've already signed up for that first 5k and I will run it on my birthday, my birthday present to myself. Turn 39 and run my first 5k. I do wish that I had someone to run it with me but I will run it come hell or high water and next year I will look back on all of this and be so happy I started this journey and be able to see how far I have come.
Now someone pass the Advil, and the Icy Hot cause my knee is screaming.
On Saturday when I was running and by running I mean walk a little, run some, walk a little, run some I had this epiphany. I am a runner because I run. I may not be good at it, I may look like fool or a cow when I run, I may have to walk portions of it still, but I run and I enjoy it and I can't WAIT until I can run it all.
Today was hard on me. My left knee and right ankle both had me almost in tears but I pushed through it. I am not a quitter. I will not be a quitter. I will run that first 5k. I've already signed up for that first 5k and I will run it on my birthday, my birthday present to myself. Turn 39 and run my first 5k. I do wish that I had someone to run it with me but I will run it come hell or high water and next year I will look back on all of this and be so happy I started this journey and be able to see how far I have come.
Now someone pass the Advil, and the Icy Hot cause my knee is screaming.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
3 week progress
From December 10 to January 3
I gone from
Waist - 40.75 to 39.75
Neck - Remained steady at 16
Hips 47.50 to 44.75
Thigh (R) 25.8 to 24
Thigh (L) 24.8 to 23.50
Bust 44.3 to 42.75
Chest (Area under boobs) 40 to 38.5
Bicep(R) 14 to 13.50
Bicep (L) 14 to 13.50
Forearm (R) 10.8 to 11
Forearm(L) 11 No change
Calf (R) 16 No change
Calf (L) 15.5 to 16
Slow work progress but it is progress. I officially get measure next week with the trainer so I guess hers will be more accurate than mine.
Food has been great, easy the last few days but New Year's Day was a struggle. It was raining and the gym was closed so I didn't get to workout, walk, run or anything, I was trapped in the house. I also realized when those around me are eating everything in sight I struggle to NOT do the same thing. It was very hard for me to not eat all day and what I did eat was bad enough, but I recovered. I have got to get everyone to understand that I need their help, just like I did when I quit smoking.
I also need to buy some seriously healthy groceries and figure out what I can take for lunch other than sandwiches. I am getting burned out on sandwiches and what happens when you get burned out? You look for alternatives that aren't always good choices. I will do some planning next week so that on payday I can stock us up with foods that are the yummy cake that is in the fridge. :)
I am ready to see major inches come off, maybe I could get at least another off before next week?
Time to go wash the sweat off and get ready for bed.
I gone from
Waist - 40.75 to 39.75
Neck - Remained steady at 16
Hips 47.50 to 44.75
Thigh (R) 25.8 to 24
Thigh (L) 24.8 to 23.50
Bust 44.3 to 42.75
Chest (Area under boobs) 40 to 38.5
Bicep(R) 14 to 13.50
Bicep (L) 14 to 13.50
Forearm (R) 10.8 to 11
Forearm(L) 11 No change
Calf (R) 16 No change
Calf (L) 15.5 to 16
Slow work progress but it is progress. I officially get measure next week with the trainer so I guess hers will be more accurate than mine.
Food has been great, easy the last few days but New Year's Day was a struggle. It was raining and the gym was closed so I didn't get to workout, walk, run or anything, I was trapped in the house. I also realized when those around me are eating everything in sight I struggle to NOT do the same thing. It was very hard for me to not eat all day and what I did eat was bad enough, but I recovered. I have got to get everyone to understand that I need their help, just like I did when I quit smoking.
I also need to buy some seriously healthy groceries and figure out what I can take for lunch other than sandwiches. I am getting burned out on sandwiches and what happens when you get burned out? You look for alternatives that aren't always good choices. I will do some planning next week so that on payday I can stock us up with foods that are the yummy cake that is in the fridge. :)
I am ready to see major inches come off, maybe I could get at least another off before next week?
Time to go wash the sweat off and get ready for bed.
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