Chemo #4

I am officially over the half way mark. I was worried when I went in to see the oncologist on Tuesday that I was going to have to have another round added to make up for the one when the Taxotere tried to kill me but he thinks that I will be okay. So I guess I am on the downhill slide now right?
WOO HOO! To be honest with you though I think I would have cried if he had added another because if you ever thought chemo sucked bad, it sucks even worse.

I managed to also ask him a couple of things that I had been forgetting to ask, Thank Chemo Brain. I found out that my Ovarian Cancer was Endometriod Stage 1 otherwise known as a Surface epithelial-stromal tumour  and was 4cm. To me 4cm seems like a fairly large size for a mass, it may not be but looking at it on a ruler....WOW. I think back now on my rides home from work when I would be screaming in pain thinking I had pulled a muscle or had a UTI or when  there were times when I would for a moment think "Jessica this could be serious, what if it is cancer?" and how now I know that that mass was causing all of that pain and frustration. When I would have those thought I would try to knock them out as quick as I could. I mean I didn't want to be known as a "Debbie Downer". So now though, because I asked, I know what kind of cancer I had rather than just lumping it under the OvaCa umbrella.

I also asked about my appendix. When I was younger and had problems with ovarian cysts they always thought it was my appendix. The general consensus was that when Dr. Straughn did my hysterectomy he probably took it out but alas he did not. Of course now with no ovaries there is no mistaking my appendix for that but I wanted to be sure. I mean I have a history of thinking cancer is a UTI why would I think that appendicitis was anything other than that as well?

Chemo itself sucked. Ok not totally but it sucked as much as usual. My Mother, brother and daughter all went with me. I know we must of looked like the Clampetts coming in there, or Jessica's Cancer Entourage. Not sure why everyone wanted to go, I mean it isn't like it is entertaining or anything. I didn't get a nap this time, or not much of one. I was looking forward to the Benadryl knocking me out like #3 but instead I got a bad case of restless leg. No allergic reaction, I didn't eat a ton, it was fairly easy other than the nausea. I have noticed that the Taxol makes me more nauseous than the Taxotere did, but then again Taxotere tried to kill me so maybe I will take the nausea.

Brother dear picked up dinner from one of the yummiest rib places in Birmingham but to be honest with you even as I type this the sheer thought makes me queasy, of course it is 4 days later. Cereal as been a Godsend, Life Cereal that it and ice cream. I am finding fluids to be an issue though. I've tried Kool Aid, Tea, Water, Coffee, finally broke down and drank a Sprite yesterday after not having a soda for almost a yr and a half and today, well today I am drinking Root Beer. I can't seem to find a fluid that tastes good and quenches my thirst. Tomorrow I am think I am going to try ICE COLD water and maybe some lemonade and then if all else fails I will buy a watermelon and hope that helps.

The bone pain is crazy outrageous again. I think I could almost deal with all of the other symptoms if I could get rid of the bone pain. It was so bad tonight I took a sleeping pills which is obviously not working as I am typing this at almost 1am. I have taken warm baths which help temporarily but long term relief, there is none.

I also have lost my hair, yes the hair on my head is almost all gone again, but also the hair in other areas. AND I have a heat rash that other than making me feel like a leper is nothing more than uncomfortable. I saw, at Wally World, a cooling pad for the bed, I think I need to invest in one. It might be more beneficial than the 6000 fans and AC going in the house and maybe it might help with the heat rash. To an outsider I am sure the house feels like the Artic Circle, to my cancer, menopausal butt it is still warm. However, until I make the decision to purchase one, I think tomorrow may be an Aveeno bath kind of day or an oatmeal bath kind of day. Something relaxing and soothing, something to make the rash better.

One last line, tomorrow I will attempt to write an entry regarding what this has been like for those closest to me. I was told tonight that I needed to but I will admit that it will be hard. I am so focused on how I feel, on how treatment makes me feel, how cancer makes me feel that I am not sure that I know how all of this is affecting them. I mean I know some, but deep down I don't know. I can promise to try and hope to relay to them how much I love them and how much their support means to me.
  
Now I sign off, wish me luck sleeping.....


*****UPDATE******* I forgot to add in this post last night that my CA-125 has dropped to 7. Not as big a drop as I had anticipated but it is a good drop nonetheless.

Clearing some things up

Today I will actually attempt to write two posts. One that will cover Round 4 and this one, one that has been eating away at me for days and days.

Those who have known me my entire life know that I have struggled with my weight. Those who have known me and are close to me know that this struggle with my weight obsesses me most of the time. Especially at times when most sane women would not only understand what is going on with their bodies, but accept it. This is not me however.

When I was pregnant, I knew that I was growing a life but in my warped head I was getting fat. I had finally lost enough weight that I thought of myself as somewhat "normal" and then all of a sudden I was gaining weight. Now I didn't do anything stupid when I was pregnant and try to lose weight but for a girl who didn't think of herself as pretty, or worthy of the ass she was with, it was crazy hard to look in the mirror and see a glowing soon to be mother and not a beached whale ( as he so often made me feel). Now fast forward to today...

I think people have this misconception of me. I think that people think that I am running around dieting in order to avoid the steroid gain. I am NOT. I am trying to eat healthy meals. More fruits, veggies, and the like. This was pretty much my normal diet PRE-cancer. Pre-Cancer I tried to avoid that junk, the sodas, the crap so why would I NOT try to avoid this after a cancer diagnosis? Now I would be lying if I said that I didn't mind gaining the weight because I do mind. Most women mind. I don't like thinking that a year ago I started busting my ass to get myself in shape and that those measly 17 pounds I lost before cancer decided it had other plans, I will have to lose again. It absolutely eats away at me. BUT I am NOT, and let me be clear about this, am NOT running around measuring out portion sizes and wondering if I can take a diet pill to lose weight. Oh and if ice cream is the only thing I can eat, as it was yesterday, I eat it. HOWEVER, there is NOTHING NO ONE CAN SAY THAT WILL MAKE ME LIKE WEIGHT GAIN!  Period! Just like I don't have to like the bone pain, or the heat rashes, or the hair loss, I don't have to like it any of it, I just have to get through it, learn from it, and recover from it.

I have this tendency to let people walk over me. To let their thoughts and opinions negate my thoughts and opinions but I probably more than anything I do, need to stop that. My thoughts and opinions are mine to contend with no matter how warped they seem to be and so, when I question why I am gaining weight at such a rapid pace, someone who says "Jess it is the steroids" is going to get so much more understanding from me. Five words.....And here is the thing although I understand, I may not understand because as I have said I have a warped mind and in my mind, even when taking steroids, if I choose to eat a salad as opposed to a hamburger the weight gain should be less.  Who knows maybe it will make a difference in the end?

Sooooo now that I have gotten that off my chest.....I am going to shower, run to the bank because today I WILL eat a funnel cake, and most likely something else that isn't good for the steroids, but I will eat them because it is that kind of day and I want to.

Chemo Round 3

I know, I know you are thinking "Isn't it about time for Round 4?", and yes you would be correct, Round 4 is next week. I am two days away from pre-meds, and 5 days til my next treatment. I should have recorded this earlier, but I have been so damn tired that I just haven't had the energy to put the thought into all of this, but since treatment is days away I figured I needed to get this written before chemo brain kicks in even more.

The days leading up to chemo sucked. I HATE the pre-meds. For some the days of steroids give them a boost of energy, I am the opposite though. They make me moody and even more tired than I normally am. On top of those I had to take Zantac like it was going to save my life. Funny I hate to even take anything for a headache but through al of this I am forced to take medicine after medicine after medicine. Anyway......

June 25th, or chemo day, rolled around. I awoke feeling more than anxious about the whole thing and it didn't start out very well. Adam was out of town, Mom couldn't drive, and so I had asked my brother to drive me. He dropped my Mother off at my house at 6am and told me he had to work. I was freaked out at the thought of having to drive but I didn't have anyone to call at 6am. I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place and let me tell you it was.

The drive in was hard. Traffic was at a dead stop near the airport in Birmingham. I cussed, and cussed some more. I particularly cussed at one car who had almost hit me. I think that the rage was probably a side effect of the steroids. Good thing I was able to control myself and do nothing more than cuss him out, when he couldn't hear.  I was also STARVING and all I wanted was a donut. Thankfully there is a Dunkin' Donuts near the hospital. I had those two donuts eaten as we pulled into the parking lot. Stupid steroids.

Treatment itself wasn't too bad. My CA-125 had dropped to 8.3, and once the nurse's phone quacked, signaling I was past the allergic reaction time frame for the new drug, Taxol, I went to sleep. The one drug took almost 4 hours, and then there was the 30 mins for the Carboplatin. I know some people have heard that there are cancer patients who are in and out for chemo, but I can tell you my day started at 6am, we were at chemo at 8am, wasn't finished with chemo til 4pm and wasn't home until about 5:30. It is a hell of a long day. A day that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

The drive home was awful. I was so tired. All of the meds they had given me were not worn off and so I fought sleepiness all the way home. I remember telling Mom more than once as I drove home, that I was fading. I felt like bawling my eyes out. I felt alone, I felt like a thorn in others' sides, I felt...alone. As soon as we ate I was out and then slept that night, the majority of the next day and the day after. After that I fought....Side effects

Side effects....The bone pain was so bad I cried myself to sleep multiple nights and at one point I cried for my Granny. I didn't realize it could be that bad. Drinking, I am STILL having an issue drinking. All of the things that worked during the first 2 treatments didn't work this time and water, OH MY how I want water, but how awful does it taste. I drink about 2-3 drinks a day now and that includes my coffee in the morning. I realize that is not near enough but I am trying at least. Food hasn't been too much of an issue. Initially red meat was out but by the 4th I was okay enough with it that I was able to eat a hamburger at my cousin's bbq. There is that terrible part of me that wishes the food would be an issue but that part of me has to be smacked in the face every once in a while and told to wise up.

My hair has grown out a little but my scalp is starting to get a bit sore again. I do hope that when/if the rest of this falls out, that the gray that is showing up in my hair, like all of my hair, will come back a color other than gray. I am terrified to think that when all of this is said and done I will be a 39 yr old with a full head of gray hair. UGH! Cancer and what it does to the body.

So now as Tuesday approaches I will say I am not looking forward to the pre-meds, I worry about the ride there and back, even though I am supposed to have a ride, I worry about the side effects, I worry about feeling even more exhausted than I already do, and I worry about the emotions that make me seem/feel a bit crazy. Time to take deep breaths and prepare. Time to clean, and get all of the things in order to make next week flow a bit easier here at home.

I can do this right? Take on Round 4? Half way there, next week starts the downward climb. I CAN do this.