Cancer has this crazy effect of making you suddenly realize that life is short and things that were important don't seem as much as important as before and all of those things you secretly dreamed or said one day you would do suddenly are first in your mind. As I neared the end of chemo I started making a list of all the things I have wanted to do but didn't out of fear or because there was always something more else to do. I have learned that I don't need to wait or shouldn't have waited on cancer to make things important.
My goal is to finish this list and to continue to add to it.
1) See a size 10 (or smaller)
2) Go ziplining
3) Go sky diving (even though I am insanely scared of heights)
4) See Ireland & England
5) Be Healy
6) Do one 5k a month for a year
7) Do a mud race
8) Learn to an instrument
9) Refresh my Spanish
10) Learn some Italian
11) Get my degree
12) New Year's in Times Square
13) Meet Donnie Wahlberg & speak to him
14) Educate people about Ovarian Cancer (daily if possible)
15) Learn to sew well
16) Hike part of the Appalachian trail
17) Go to Disney World with the family
18) Learn to swim
19) Read as many of the "classics" as I can
20) See the Yankees & The Red Sox play
21) Drive an antique Corvette
22) See University of Alabama play AT HOME
23) See Wicked
24) Stay at a haunted hotel in Louisiana
25) Mardi Gras ( I realize I am old but I just wanna do it ONCE)
26) Camp as much as I can & in as many states as I can
27) Take dance lessons
28) Take a Tai Chi class
29) See Lorissa graduate from college & get married
30) Wear a formal dress for something..anything
31) Masquerade Ball
32) Have a complete makeover
33) Learn how to use chopsticks
34) Build something, anything
35) Ride a train
36) Visit Northern California (where Mom lived as a child)
37) Find my older, half-brother.
38) Spend more time with Kevin, Katie & Levi
39) Go hunting
40) Go shooting
41) Learn to crochet well
42) Go back to Vegas
So since I made this list a couple of things can be checked off. I am fortunate to have been able to spend Thanksgiving with Katie, Kevin and lovable Levi AND crazy exciting is that the brother I found out about year & years ago is no longer a mystery. Fortunately he has an amazing, resourceful wife who was able to track us down.
So now I need to get busy checking some other things off and adding more to the list. Of course some are works in progress and some may need to wait until January 15th for that 4 mth check up. Little by little though, if at all possible, I will start living life instead of just visiting every once in a while.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
In Remission
Last night I walked outside to take the newest puppy out again. As I stood there waiting for her to do her business I looked up at the beautiful, glowing harvest moon and for the first time in 6 months I felt like I could breathe. I had almost the same thing happen just a few minutes ago. I again, was outside with the dogs and decided to enjoy the coolness of the morning. I sat at the patio table and this feeling of release swept over me. I stopped for a moment and listened to the life around me. The birds chirping, the squirrels doing what they do, a woodpecker in a neighbor's tree, things that I have not listened for in 6 months.
For 6 months I have ben consumed first by the "what if I have cancer", then the "wow I have cancer", then treatments and side effects. I have looked in the mirror with every treatment and not realized the woman standing in front of me as chemo took my hair from all over and steroids added to my weight. I have laid in bed at night and cried because of the bone pain and because of what cancer was doing to me mentally. I have cried during waking hours to and apologized profusely to those around me for what my illness was doing to their lives. I have worried about the bills that I knew were going to come in and how I was going to pay for them even though I have insurance. I have stressed over the cost of what it was taking to get me to eat and drink between chemo treatments.
There were days when all of this, when cancer would become so overwhelming that I would cry and wonder what I didn't just let it take me. When I would think that people would have it easier if they didn't have to take care of me. I mean what 15 yr old wants to take care of their mom and hear her cry over and over again because of the pain?
When I would have these moments I was so blessed to have some amazing people around me. Adam, who even though he was away for 90% of treatment made sure that I had what I needed to make it through. Lorissa, yes she drove me crazy some days being her normal teenage self, but she really tried to step up and take care of me the 4 days after chemo. Mom, who even though she was only able to drive me to two treatments, still made the majority of them and worried about me even though she was/is going through her own health issues. Johnathon, my brother, who stepped up to drive me to two treatments after Mom wasn't able to and bought dinner for Lorissa and I a few times, Yummy ribs from Dreamland once. Joy, my sister, she couldn't be here to physically help but she called and called and listened and listened to me cry. Jennifer and Cheryl, these two beautiful, wonderful women, who I have known for 20+ years but lost contact with for 20 years, walked back into my life and talked me down off ledges many days, even if they didn't know it. Ed & Kim Strader, again from my high school days, these two amazing people, when I was diagnosed and then had my first treatment, were not only there as I walked a 5k I was supposed to have run, but were the driving force behind the R.B.R shirts. Bryen Grant who's Eye of the Tiger, RTR, RBR, and now his running became not just a reason to make me smile, but an inspiration to me, oh and he isn't a runner :). Hell at this time, I might as well say the entire Duncan U. Fletcher Class of 1992. There are so many of them that FB brought back in my life, and so many of them who would send me words of encouragement, often at times when I would need them the most. GOOO SENATORS! Rebecca Mauldin who made me the awesome hat that I can't wait to wear when it cools off some. Tina Diaz who made me the awesome Teal Ribbon blanket for chemo. My neighbors who cut my grass and took care of me when I stepped off into that dreaded hole and had to be rushed via ambulance to the ER. The Gadsden Runner's Club many of who don't know me very well, but many of who would check on me. The wonderful women I have met who are fighting or have fought Ovarian Cancer or another gynecological cancer, groups such as Teal Diva and Teal's the Deal. The awesome people I work with. ABC Enforcement is the best! I know it was hard for them, or maybe it wasn't, to take up my slack and hell let's be honest, when I am there I am a bit far off in my memory and function sometimes. There are so many more and damned chemo brain is keeping them from coming to the forefront to be added.
I am lucky as well to have had such an amazing group of Drs around me in Gadsden and at UAB. Speaks volumes when your oncologist, who doesn't think you have cancer, can walk into your room after surgery and apologize because it was cancer.
I know that I have come out of this a survivor. I am blessed to be part of an elite group of cancer patients, women who have had the distinction of having Ovarian Cancer. I am part of an even more elite group in that I am right now, not part of the 70% who will not win their fight this year. I am part of the small 30% who survived this year and it is time, time to start living life.
If there is one thing that this as taught me, it is that life is short. I am only 39 but days after I turned 39 I was faced with the fact that my life could be taken away just like that. I have spent all of my life scared to do things because I was afraid I would look like a fool or just out of fear but no more. I have made the "bucket list" and I will begin checking them off. It might take me forever but I refuse to sit around and let life pass me by. As the Tim McGraw song says, it is time "To live like you were dying"
For 6 months I have ben consumed first by the "what if I have cancer", then the "wow I have cancer", then treatments and side effects. I have looked in the mirror with every treatment and not realized the woman standing in front of me as chemo took my hair from all over and steroids added to my weight. I have laid in bed at night and cried because of the bone pain and because of what cancer was doing to me mentally. I have cried during waking hours to and apologized profusely to those around me for what my illness was doing to their lives. I have worried about the bills that I knew were going to come in and how I was going to pay for them even though I have insurance. I have stressed over the cost of what it was taking to get me to eat and drink between chemo treatments.
There were days when all of this, when cancer would become so overwhelming that I would cry and wonder what I didn't just let it take me. When I would think that people would have it easier if they didn't have to take care of me. I mean what 15 yr old wants to take care of their mom and hear her cry over and over again because of the pain?
When I would have these moments I was so blessed to have some amazing people around me. Adam, who even though he was away for 90% of treatment made sure that I had what I needed to make it through. Lorissa, yes she drove me crazy some days being her normal teenage self, but she really tried to step up and take care of me the 4 days after chemo. Mom, who even though she was only able to drive me to two treatments, still made the majority of them and worried about me even though she was/is going through her own health issues. Johnathon, my brother, who stepped up to drive me to two treatments after Mom wasn't able to and bought dinner for Lorissa and I a few times, Yummy ribs from Dreamland once. Joy, my sister, she couldn't be here to physically help but she called and called and listened and listened to me cry. Jennifer and Cheryl, these two beautiful, wonderful women, who I have known for 20+ years but lost contact with for 20 years, walked back into my life and talked me down off ledges many days, even if they didn't know it. Ed & Kim Strader, again from my high school days, these two amazing people, when I was diagnosed and then had my first treatment, were not only there as I walked a 5k I was supposed to have run, but were the driving force behind the R.B.R shirts. Bryen Grant who's Eye of the Tiger, RTR, RBR, and now his running became not just a reason to make me smile, but an inspiration to me, oh and he isn't a runner :). Hell at this time, I might as well say the entire Duncan U. Fletcher Class of 1992. There are so many of them that FB brought back in my life, and so many of them who would send me words of encouragement, often at times when I would need them the most. GOOO SENATORS! Rebecca Mauldin who made me the awesome hat that I can't wait to wear when it cools off some. Tina Diaz who made me the awesome Teal Ribbon blanket for chemo. My neighbors who cut my grass and took care of me when I stepped off into that dreaded hole and had to be rushed via ambulance to the ER. The Gadsden Runner's Club many of who don't know me very well, but many of who would check on me. The wonderful women I have met who are fighting or have fought Ovarian Cancer or another gynecological cancer, groups such as Teal Diva and Teal's the Deal. The awesome people I work with. ABC Enforcement is the best! I know it was hard for them, or maybe it wasn't, to take up my slack and hell let's be honest, when I am there I am a bit far off in my memory and function sometimes. There are so many more and damned chemo brain is keeping them from coming to the forefront to be added.
I am lucky as well to have had such an amazing group of Drs around me in Gadsden and at UAB. Speaks volumes when your oncologist, who doesn't think you have cancer, can walk into your room after surgery and apologize because it was cancer.
I know that I have come out of this a survivor. I am blessed to be part of an elite group of cancer patients, women who have had the distinction of having Ovarian Cancer. I am part of an even more elite group in that I am right now, not part of the 70% who will not win their fight this year. I am part of the small 30% who survived this year and it is time, time to start living life.
If there is one thing that this as taught me, it is that life is short. I am only 39 but days after I turned 39 I was faced with the fact that my life could be taken away just like that. I have spent all of my life scared to do things because I was afraid I would look like a fool or just out of fear but no more. I have made the "bucket list" and I will begin checking them off. It might take me forever but I refuse to sit around and let life pass me by. As the Tim McGraw song says, it is time "To live like you were dying"
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Six is in the BAG
On Tuesday August 27th, 2013 my nurse Karen hooked up my IV for what I hope will be the last time FOREVER! I shared that day with Linda a woman maybe a bit older than me who was getting treatment for cervical cancer who was there with her teen daughter. She was the first of us this day to finish but she had already gotten radiation that morning as well. There was Mrs. Weeks who came over for treatment from Columbus, GA. She is much older than me, at least old enough to be my mother, and is in treatment for ovarian cancer. She is dependent on a son to bring her to treatment and she and her family are still in the process of finding a nursing home for her husband who had a stroke a few years before. There was myself and then there was a woman named Kelly. Kelly was accompanied by her husband and sister and was I figure, 5-10 years younger than me and in treatment for cervical cancer. She and her husband have a little boy who had just started school this year. Kelly was very sick, very, very sick. She was so sick that she had to be brought up in a wheel chair and her speech was so slurred that I could only make out a few words here and there. It broke my heart to see her like this. I wanted so much to be able to take her disease away from her and take it on myself. I felt guilty that I was going to get to ring the bell and she wasn't, that Linda wasn't and that Mrs. Weeks who was supposed to be ringing, wasn't and although I was half tempted to skip it, I didn't.
Side effects since chemo:
My nails. They look diseased and if they just touch something they break. One broke today down so low I was afraid it was going to bleed. Tomorrow I must file and paint what I have left so as not to scare people I come in contact with.
I have found orange soda to be the most awesome thing ever invented and I have found more weight. All total treatment has given me 20 pounds. I talked to Dr. Straughn who said in about 3 weeks I can really hit the weight loss hard. Now I plan on working to make changes starting tomorrow but I guess I need an all clear before I can commence crazy mode.
The neuropathy is like torture. Walking today felt like I was walking on a continual bed of straight pins. I tried 3 different pairs of shoes today, two of which had to be bought because we weren't home for me to switch them out. My Granny had diabetic neuropathy and I always used to wonder what it really felt like even though I felt I could imagine, well never in my imagination did I think that it would be like this.
The bone pain is equally as bad. It hit sooner, with more ferocity and seems to be lasting longer. It was so bad Friday night I took a sleeping pill and then last night I took a pain pill I had left from my sprain and yet sleep eluded me both nights. I had intentions of taking two sleeping pills tonight but it was so late I was scared to. I hope that it will decide to stop tonight so that I can sleep.
There are the other things too, the nausea, the chemo brain and the acne. Oh the acne!. UGH! And all of the other crap that goes along with being sick, all of it is there but I hope that it is on its way out.
Cancer sucks, chemo sucks and I am forever changed because of it. Good or bad changes, I am changed.
Side effects since chemo:
My nails. They look diseased and if they just touch something they break. One broke today down so low I was afraid it was going to bleed. Tomorrow I must file and paint what I have left so as not to scare people I come in contact with.
I have found orange soda to be the most awesome thing ever invented and I have found more weight. All total treatment has given me 20 pounds. I talked to Dr. Straughn who said in about 3 weeks I can really hit the weight loss hard. Now I plan on working to make changes starting tomorrow but I guess I need an all clear before I can commence crazy mode.
The neuropathy is like torture. Walking today felt like I was walking on a continual bed of straight pins. I tried 3 different pairs of shoes today, two of which had to be bought because we weren't home for me to switch them out. My Granny had diabetic neuropathy and I always used to wonder what it really felt like even though I felt I could imagine, well never in my imagination did I think that it would be like this.
The bone pain is equally as bad. It hit sooner, with more ferocity and seems to be lasting longer. It was so bad Friday night I took a sleeping pill and then last night I took a pain pill I had left from my sprain and yet sleep eluded me both nights. I had intentions of taking two sleeping pills tonight but it was so late I was scared to. I hope that it will decide to stop tonight so that I can sleep.
There are the other things too, the nausea, the chemo brain and the acne. Oh the acne!. UGH! And all of the other crap that goes along with being sick, all of it is there but I hope that it is on its way out.
Cancer sucks, chemo sucks and I am forever changed because of it. Good or bad changes, I am changed.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
The End is in SIGHT!
#5 is in the books and although I still don't want to have to go through #6 I can see the end. It is like being in a race, as a dear friend puts it, a marathon and I am at the 26 mile mark. I would say I am probably at the 20 mile mark and am struggling for my second wind, for that last boost of energy so I can make it to the end. I will see this through though, no matter how I lag, no matter how tired I am, no matter how much I want to quit so the side effects will stop, I will make it.
The side effects are still as awful as they have been the one plus has been that I have been able to drink Sprite. Upsets me that I broke my no soda rule, but dehydration vs soda....No real question there. Even Dr. Straughn told me that you almost have to have soda during chemo. I've tried, I really tried to avoid it so I guess that I went almost the entire course of treatment without having one should be something to celebrate.
The bone pain has been equally as bad as the previous treatments but as I promised, it has almost been localized to my ankle that is in a cast. Last night was so bad that I barely slept and I've been taking Epsom salt baths but since I have a cast....No go. Hopefully this thing will be off on Tuesday, umm no this thing WILL be off on Tuesday even if I have to take it off myself so I will be able to soak if I need to.
I do have a rash, well the rash that I had on my back is worse and I have a rash on my head. I call it a rash but after some googling last night I think it is more like acne than a "rash" and I do NOT know what to do. It is a bit painful especially the areas that get rubbed by clothing and it doesn't look pretty, those areas on my head, but without knowing what I can do about it I am kind of lost.
Throughout this journey there have been ups and there have been downs. There has been promises of help if needed and none to be found when it was needed and called for. What I thought might have brought us siblings together didn't and instead the journey has at times, made me feel more alone than ever. I have realized that family doesn't necessarily mean blood and that those people who call you every morning, or every Thursday even if to just leave a message that says "I love you and am thinking of you" are just as much family as those who share the same lineage and that neighbors mean more in my neighborhood than just people who live next door. I have learned that annoying little sisters can still be annoying as adults but it is out of love they are annoying and you love her for her annoyance and desperately wish she were closer to be annoying than Hawaii. :) Most of all I have learned I am stronger than I thought possible and very soon I will be able to say I faced cancer and that I fought and I am a survivor.
The side effects are still as awful as they have been the one plus has been that I have been able to drink Sprite. Upsets me that I broke my no soda rule, but dehydration vs soda....No real question there. Even Dr. Straughn told me that you almost have to have soda during chemo. I've tried, I really tried to avoid it so I guess that I went almost the entire course of treatment without having one should be something to celebrate.
The bone pain has been equally as bad as the previous treatments but as I promised, it has almost been localized to my ankle that is in a cast. Last night was so bad that I barely slept and I've been taking Epsom salt baths but since I have a cast....No go. Hopefully this thing will be off on Tuesday, umm no this thing WILL be off on Tuesday even if I have to take it off myself so I will be able to soak if I need to.
I do have a rash, well the rash that I had on my back is worse and I have a rash on my head. I call it a rash but after some googling last night I think it is more like acne than a "rash" and I do NOT know what to do. It is a bit painful especially the areas that get rubbed by clothing and it doesn't look pretty, those areas on my head, but without knowing what I can do about it I am kind of lost.
Throughout this journey there have been ups and there have been downs. There has been promises of help if needed and none to be found when it was needed and called for. What I thought might have brought us siblings together didn't and instead the journey has at times, made me feel more alone than ever. I have realized that family doesn't necessarily mean blood and that those people who call you every morning, or every Thursday even if to just leave a message that says "I love you and am thinking of you" are just as much family as those who share the same lineage and that neighbors mean more in my neighborhood than just people who live next door. I have learned that annoying little sisters can still be annoying as adults but it is out of love they are annoying and you love her for her annoyance and desperately wish she were closer to be annoying than Hawaii. :) Most of all I have learned I am stronger than I thought possible and very soon I will be able to say I faced cancer and that I fought and I am a survivor.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Chemo #4
I am officially over the half way mark. I was worried when I went in to see the oncologist on Tuesday that I was going to have to have another round added to make up for the one when the Taxotere tried to kill me but he thinks that I will be okay. So I guess I am on the downhill slide now right?
WOO HOO! To be honest with you though I think I would have cried if he had added another because if you ever thought chemo sucked bad, it sucks even worse.
I managed to also ask him a couple of things that I had been forgetting to ask, Thank Chemo Brain. I found out that my Ovarian Cancer was Endometriod Stage 1 otherwise known as a Surface epithelial-stromal tumour and was 4cm. To me 4cm seems like a fairly large size for a mass, it may not be but looking at it on a ruler....WOW. I think back now on my rides home from work when I would be screaming in pain thinking I had pulled a muscle or had a UTI or when there were times when I would for a moment think "Jessica this could be serious, what if it is cancer?" and how now I know that that mass was causing all of that pain and frustration. When I would have those thought I would try to knock them out as quick as I could. I mean I didn't want to be known as a "Debbie Downer". So now though, because I asked, I know what kind of cancer I had rather than just lumping it under the OvaCa umbrella.
I also asked about my appendix. When I was younger and had problems with ovarian cysts they always thought it was my appendix. The general consensus was that when Dr. Straughn did my hysterectomy he probably took it out but alas he did not. Of course now with no ovaries there is no mistaking my appendix for that but I wanted to be sure. I mean I have a history of thinking cancer is a UTI why would I think that appendicitis was anything other than that as well?
Chemo itself sucked. Ok not totally but it sucked as much as usual. My Mother, brother and daughter all went with me. I know we must of looked like the Clampetts coming in there, or Jessica's Cancer Entourage. Not sure why everyone wanted to go, I mean it isn't like it is entertaining or anything. I didn't get a nap this time, or not much of one. I was looking forward to the Benadryl knocking me out like #3 but instead I got a bad case of restless leg. No allergic reaction, I didn't eat a ton, it was fairly easy other than the nausea. I have noticed that the Taxol makes me more nauseous than the Taxotere did, but then again Taxotere tried to kill me so maybe I will take the nausea.
Brother dear picked up dinner from one of the yummiest rib places in Birmingham but to be honest with you even as I type this the sheer thought makes me queasy, of course it is 4 days later. Cereal as been a Godsend, Life Cereal that it and ice cream. I am finding fluids to be an issue though. I've tried Kool Aid, Tea, Water, Coffee, finally broke down and drank a Sprite yesterday after not having a soda for almost a yr and a half and today, well today I am drinking Root Beer. I can't seem to find a fluid that tastes good and quenches my thirst. Tomorrow I am think I am going to try ICE COLD water and maybe some lemonade and then if all else fails I will buy a watermelon and hope that helps.
The bone pain is crazy outrageous again. I think I could almost deal with all of the other symptoms if I could get rid of the bone pain. It was so bad tonight I took a sleeping pills which is obviously not working as I am typing this at almost 1am. I have taken warm baths which help temporarily but long term relief, there is none.
I also have lost my hair, yes the hair on my head is almost all gone again, but also the hair in other areas. AND I have a heat rash that other than making me feel like a leper is nothing more than uncomfortable. I saw, at Wally World, a cooling pad for the bed, I think I need to invest in one. It might be more beneficial than the 6000 fans and AC going in the house and maybe it might help with the heat rash. To an outsider I am sure the house feels like the Artic Circle, to my cancer, menopausal butt it is still warm. However, until I make the decision to purchase one, I think tomorrow may be an Aveeno bath kind of day or an oatmeal bath kind of day. Something relaxing and soothing, something to make the rash better.
One last line, tomorrow I will attempt to write an entry regarding what this has been like for those closest to me. I was told tonight that I needed to but I will admit that it will be hard. I am so focused on how I feel, on how treatment makes me feel, how cancer makes me feel that I am not sure that I know how all of this is affecting them. I mean I know some, but deep down I don't know. I can promise to try and hope to relay to them how much I love them and how much their support means to me.
Now I sign off, wish me luck sleeping.....
*****UPDATE******* I forgot to add in this post last night that my CA-125 has dropped to 7. Not as big a drop as I had anticipated but it is a good drop nonetheless.
WOO HOO! To be honest with you though I think I would have cried if he had added another because if you ever thought chemo sucked bad, it sucks even worse.
I managed to also ask him a couple of things that I had been forgetting to ask, Thank Chemo Brain. I found out that my Ovarian Cancer was Endometriod Stage 1 otherwise known as a Surface epithelial-stromal tumour and was 4cm. To me 4cm seems like a fairly large size for a mass, it may not be but looking at it on a ruler....WOW. I think back now on my rides home from work when I would be screaming in pain thinking I had pulled a muscle or had a UTI or when there were times when I would for a moment think "Jessica this could be serious, what if it is cancer?" and how now I know that that mass was causing all of that pain and frustration. When I would have those thought I would try to knock them out as quick as I could. I mean I didn't want to be known as a "Debbie Downer". So now though, because I asked, I know what kind of cancer I had rather than just lumping it under the OvaCa umbrella.
I also asked about my appendix. When I was younger and had problems with ovarian cysts they always thought it was my appendix. The general consensus was that when Dr. Straughn did my hysterectomy he probably took it out but alas he did not. Of course now with no ovaries there is no mistaking my appendix for that but I wanted to be sure. I mean I have a history of thinking cancer is a UTI why would I think that appendicitis was anything other than that as well?
Chemo itself sucked. Ok not totally but it sucked as much as usual. My Mother, brother and daughter all went with me. I know we must of looked like the Clampetts coming in there, or Jessica's Cancer Entourage. Not sure why everyone wanted to go, I mean it isn't like it is entertaining or anything. I didn't get a nap this time, or not much of one. I was looking forward to the Benadryl knocking me out like #3 but instead I got a bad case of restless leg. No allergic reaction, I didn't eat a ton, it was fairly easy other than the nausea. I have noticed that the Taxol makes me more nauseous than the Taxotere did, but then again Taxotere tried to kill me so maybe I will take the nausea.
Brother dear picked up dinner from one of the yummiest rib places in Birmingham but to be honest with you even as I type this the sheer thought makes me queasy, of course it is 4 days later. Cereal as been a Godsend, Life Cereal that it and ice cream. I am finding fluids to be an issue though. I've tried Kool Aid, Tea, Water, Coffee, finally broke down and drank a Sprite yesterday after not having a soda for almost a yr and a half and today, well today I am drinking Root Beer. I can't seem to find a fluid that tastes good and quenches my thirst. Tomorrow I am think I am going to try ICE COLD water and maybe some lemonade and then if all else fails I will buy a watermelon and hope that helps.
The bone pain is crazy outrageous again. I think I could almost deal with all of the other symptoms if I could get rid of the bone pain. It was so bad tonight I took a sleeping pills which is obviously not working as I am typing this at almost 1am. I have taken warm baths which help temporarily but long term relief, there is none.
I also have lost my hair, yes the hair on my head is almost all gone again, but also the hair in other areas. AND I have a heat rash that other than making me feel like a leper is nothing more than uncomfortable. I saw, at Wally World, a cooling pad for the bed, I think I need to invest in one. It might be more beneficial than the 6000 fans and AC going in the house and maybe it might help with the heat rash. To an outsider I am sure the house feels like the Artic Circle, to my cancer, menopausal butt it is still warm. However, until I make the decision to purchase one, I think tomorrow may be an Aveeno bath kind of day or an oatmeal bath kind of day. Something relaxing and soothing, something to make the rash better.
One last line, tomorrow I will attempt to write an entry regarding what this has been like for those closest to me. I was told tonight that I needed to but I will admit that it will be hard. I am so focused on how I feel, on how treatment makes me feel, how cancer makes me feel that I am not sure that I know how all of this is affecting them. I mean I know some, but deep down I don't know. I can promise to try and hope to relay to them how much I love them and how much their support means to me.
Now I sign off, wish me luck sleeping.....
*****UPDATE******* I forgot to add in this post last night that my CA-125 has dropped to 7. Not as big a drop as I had anticipated but it is a good drop nonetheless.
Clearing some things up
Today I will actually attempt to write two posts. One that will cover Round 4 and this one, one that has been eating away at me for days and days.
Those who have known me my entire life know that I have struggled with my weight. Those who have known me and are close to me know that this struggle with my weight obsesses me most of the time. Especially at times when most sane women would not only understand what is going on with their bodies, but accept it. This is not me however.
When I was pregnant, I knew that I was growing a life but in my warped head I was getting fat. I had finally lost enough weight that I thought of myself as somewhat "normal" and then all of a sudden I was gaining weight. Now I didn't do anything stupid when I was pregnant and try to lose weight but for a girl who didn't think of herself as pretty, or worthy of the ass she was with, it was crazy hard to look in the mirror and see a glowing soon to be mother and not a beached whale ( as he so often made me feel). Now fast forward to today...
I think people have this misconception of me. I think that people think that I am running around dieting in order to avoid the steroid gain. I am NOT. I am trying to eat healthy meals. More fruits, veggies, and the like. This was pretty much my normal diet PRE-cancer. Pre-Cancer I tried to avoid that junk, the sodas, the crap so why would I NOT try to avoid this after a cancer diagnosis? Now I would be lying if I said that I didn't mind gaining the weight because I do mind. Most women mind. I don't like thinking that a year ago I started busting my ass to get myself in shape and that those measly 17 pounds I lost before cancer decided it had other plans, I will have to lose again. It absolutely eats away at me. BUT I am NOT, and let me be clear about this, am NOT running around measuring out portion sizes and wondering if I can take a diet pill to lose weight. Oh and if ice cream is the only thing I can eat, as it was yesterday, I eat it. HOWEVER, there is NOTHING NO ONE CAN SAY THAT WILL MAKE ME LIKE WEIGHT GAIN! Period! Just like I don't have to like the bone pain, or the heat rashes, or the hair loss, I don't have to like it any of it, I just have to get through it, learn from it, and recover from it.
I have this tendency to let people walk over me. To let their thoughts and opinions negate my thoughts and opinions but I probably more than anything I do, need to stop that. My thoughts and opinions are mine to contend with no matter how warped they seem to be and so, when I question why I am gaining weight at such a rapid pace, someone who says "Jess it is the steroids" is going to get so much more understanding from me. Five words.....And here is the thing although I understand, I may not understand because as I have said I have a warped mind and in my mind, even when taking steroids, if I choose to eat a salad as opposed to a hamburger the weight gain should be less. Who knows maybe it will make a difference in the end?
Sooooo now that I have gotten that off my chest.....I am going to shower, run to the bank because today I WILL eat a funnel cake, and most likely something else that isn't good for the steroids, but I will eat them because it is that kind of day and I want to.
Those who have known me my entire life know that I have struggled with my weight. Those who have known me and are close to me know that this struggle with my weight obsesses me most of the time. Especially at times when most sane women would not only understand what is going on with their bodies, but accept it. This is not me however.
When I was pregnant, I knew that I was growing a life but in my warped head I was getting fat. I had finally lost enough weight that I thought of myself as somewhat "normal" and then all of a sudden I was gaining weight. Now I didn't do anything stupid when I was pregnant and try to lose weight but for a girl who didn't think of herself as pretty, or worthy of the ass she was with, it was crazy hard to look in the mirror and see a glowing soon to be mother and not a beached whale ( as he so often made me feel). Now fast forward to today...
I think people have this misconception of me. I think that people think that I am running around dieting in order to avoid the steroid gain. I am NOT. I am trying to eat healthy meals. More fruits, veggies, and the like. This was pretty much my normal diet PRE-cancer. Pre-Cancer I tried to avoid that junk, the sodas, the crap so why would I NOT try to avoid this after a cancer diagnosis? Now I would be lying if I said that I didn't mind gaining the weight because I do mind. Most women mind. I don't like thinking that a year ago I started busting my ass to get myself in shape and that those measly 17 pounds I lost before cancer decided it had other plans, I will have to lose again. It absolutely eats away at me. BUT I am NOT, and let me be clear about this, am NOT running around measuring out portion sizes and wondering if I can take a diet pill to lose weight. Oh and if ice cream is the only thing I can eat, as it was yesterday, I eat it. HOWEVER, there is NOTHING NO ONE CAN SAY THAT WILL MAKE ME LIKE WEIGHT GAIN! Period! Just like I don't have to like the bone pain, or the heat rashes, or the hair loss, I don't have to like it any of it, I just have to get through it, learn from it, and recover from it.
I have this tendency to let people walk over me. To let their thoughts and opinions negate my thoughts and opinions but I probably more than anything I do, need to stop that. My thoughts and opinions are mine to contend with no matter how warped they seem to be and so, when I question why I am gaining weight at such a rapid pace, someone who says "Jess it is the steroids" is going to get so much more understanding from me. Five words.....And here is the thing although I understand, I may not understand because as I have said I have a warped mind and in my mind, even when taking steroids, if I choose to eat a salad as opposed to a hamburger the weight gain should be less. Who knows maybe it will make a difference in the end?
Sooooo now that I have gotten that off my chest.....I am going to shower, run to the bank because today I WILL eat a funnel cake, and most likely something else that isn't good for the steroids, but I will eat them because it is that kind of day and I want to.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Chemo Round 3
I know, I know you are thinking "Isn't it about time for Round 4?", and yes you would be correct, Round 4 is next week. I am two days away from pre-meds, and 5 days til my next treatment. I should have recorded this earlier, but I have been so damn tired that I just haven't had the energy to put the thought into all of this, but since treatment is days away I figured I needed to get this written before chemo brain kicks in even more.
The days leading up to chemo sucked. I HATE the pre-meds. For some the days of steroids give them a boost of energy, I am the opposite though. They make me moody and even more tired than I normally am. On top of those I had to take Zantac like it was going to save my life. Funny I hate to even take anything for a headache but through al of this I am forced to take medicine after medicine after medicine. Anyway......
June 25th, or chemo day, rolled around. I awoke feeling more than anxious about the whole thing and it didn't start out very well. Adam was out of town, Mom couldn't drive, and so I had asked my brother to drive me. He dropped my Mother off at my house at 6am and told me he had to work. I was freaked out at the thought of having to drive but I didn't have anyone to call at 6am. I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place and let me tell you it was.
The drive in was hard. Traffic was at a dead stop near the airport in Birmingham. I cussed, and cussed some more. I particularly cussed at one car who had almost hit me. I think that the rage was probably a side effect of the steroids. Good thing I was able to control myself and do nothing more than cuss him out, when he couldn't hear. I was also STARVING and all I wanted was a donut. Thankfully there is a Dunkin' Donuts near the hospital. I had those two donuts eaten as we pulled into the parking lot. Stupid steroids.
Treatment itself wasn't too bad. My CA-125 had dropped to 8.3, and once the nurse's phone quacked, signaling I was past the allergic reaction time frame for the new drug, Taxol, I went to sleep. The one drug took almost 4 hours, and then there was the 30 mins for the Carboplatin. I know some people have heard that there are cancer patients who are in and out for chemo, but I can tell you my day started at 6am, we were at chemo at 8am, wasn't finished with chemo til 4pm and wasn't home until about 5:30. It is a hell of a long day. A day that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
The drive home was awful. I was so tired. All of the meds they had given me were not worn off and so I fought sleepiness all the way home. I remember telling Mom more than once as I drove home, that I was fading. I felt like bawling my eyes out. I felt alone, I felt like a thorn in others' sides, I felt...alone. As soon as we ate I was out and then slept that night, the majority of the next day and the day after. After that I fought....Side effects
Side effects....The bone pain was so bad I cried myself to sleep multiple nights and at one point I cried for my Granny. I didn't realize it could be that bad. Drinking, I am STILL having an issue drinking. All of the things that worked during the first 2 treatments didn't work this time and water, OH MY how I want water, but how awful does it taste. I drink about 2-3 drinks a day now and that includes my coffee in the morning. I realize that is not near enough but I am trying at least. Food hasn't been too much of an issue. Initially red meat was out but by the 4th I was okay enough with it that I was able to eat a hamburger at my cousin's bbq. There is that terrible part of me that wishes the food would be an issue but that part of me has to be smacked in the face every once in a while and told to wise up.
My hair has grown out a little but my scalp is starting to get a bit sore again. I do hope that when/if the rest of this falls out, that the gray that is showing up in my hair, like all of my hair, will come back a color other than gray. I am terrified to think that when all of this is said and done I will be a 39 yr old with a full head of gray hair. UGH! Cancer and what it does to the body.
So now as Tuesday approaches I will say I am not looking forward to the pre-meds, I worry about the ride there and back, even though I am supposed to have a ride, I worry about the side effects, I worry about feeling even more exhausted than I already do, and I worry about the emotions that make me seem/feel a bit crazy. Time to take deep breaths and prepare. Time to clean, and get all of the things in order to make next week flow a bit easier here at home.
I can do this right? Take on Round 4? Half way there, next week starts the downward climb. I CAN do this.
The days leading up to chemo sucked. I HATE the pre-meds. For some the days of steroids give them a boost of energy, I am the opposite though. They make me moody and even more tired than I normally am. On top of those I had to take Zantac like it was going to save my life. Funny I hate to even take anything for a headache but through al of this I am forced to take medicine after medicine after medicine. Anyway......
June 25th, or chemo day, rolled around. I awoke feeling more than anxious about the whole thing and it didn't start out very well. Adam was out of town, Mom couldn't drive, and so I had asked my brother to drive me. He dropped my Mother off at my house at 6am and told me he had to work. I was freaked out at the thought of having to drive but I didn't have anyone to call at 6am. I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place and let me tell you it was.
The drive in was hard. Traffic was at a dead stop near the airport in Birmingham. I cussed, and cussed some more. I particularly cussed at one car who had almost hit me. I think that the rage was probably a side effect of the steroids. Good thing I was able to control myself and do nothing more than cuss him out, when he couldn't hear. I was also STARVING and all I wanted was a donut. Thankfully there is a Dunkin' Donuts near the hospital. I had those two donuts eaten as we pulled into the parking lot. Stupid steroids.
Treatment itself wasn't too bad. My CA-125 had dropped to 8.3, and once the nurse's phone quacked, signaling I was past the allergic reaction time frame for the new drug, Taxol, I went to sleep. The one drug took almost 4 hours, and then there was the 30 mins for the Carboplatin. I know some people have heard that there are cancer patients who are in and out for chemo, but I can tell you my day started at 6am, we were at chemo at 8am, wasn't finished with chemo til 4pm and wasn't home until about 5:30. It is a hell of a long day. A day that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
The drive home was awful. I was so tired. All of the meds they had given me were not worn off and so I fought sleepiness all the way home. I remember telling Mom more than once as I drove home, that I was fading. I felt like bawling my eyes out. I felt alone, I felt like a thorn in others' sides, I felt...alone. As soon as we ate I was out and then slept that night, the majority of the next day and the day after. After that I fought....Side effects
Side effects....The bone pain was so bad I cried myself to sleep multiple nights and at one point I cried for my Granny. I didn't realize it could be that bad. Drinking, I am STILL having an issue drinking. All of the things that worked during the first 2 treatments didn't work this time and water, OH MY how I want water, but how awful does it taste. I drink about 2-3 drinks a day now and that includes my coffee in the morning. I realize that is not near enough but I am trying at least. Food hasn't been too much of an issue. Initially red meat was out but by the 4th I was okay enough with it that I was able to eat a hamburger at my cousin's bbq. There is that terrible part of me that wishes the food would be an issue but that part of me has to be smacked in the face every once in a while and told to wise up.
My hair has grown out a little but my scalp is starting to get a bit sore again. I do hope that when/if the rest of this falls out, that the gray that is showing up in my hair, like all of my hair, will come back a color other than gray. I am terrified to think that when all of this is said and done I will be a 39 yr old with a full head of gray hair. UGH! Cancer and what it does to the body.
So now as Tuesday approaches I will say I am not looking forward to the pre-meds, I worry about the ride there and back, even though I am supposed to have a ride, I worry about the side effects, I worry about feeling even more exhausted than I already do, and I worry about the emotions that make me seem/feel a bit crazy. Time to take deep breaths and prepare. Time to clean, and get all of the things in order to make next week flow a bit easier here at home.
I can do this right? Take on Round 4? Half way there, next week starts the downward climb. I CAN do this.
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