Eat good calories, burn calories. Okay I do that. Yes I have days where I hit a bump. Days where dogs have seizures, or kids have issues. Days where because you are on your way to Birmingham to the ER you are forced to find something semi-okay calorie wise off the Jack's menu because nutritious isn't there. All in all though, I do well so I just don't understand. I don't.
The Dr said it would take a year to get my thyroid regulated. That was in 2011. Thyroid levels will be off, off, then ok, then ok, then back to bad. Well that has been the cycle for the last year and a half. On the last test my thyroid was .77, and that is pretty good, but yet I am still not losing weight and STILL feel like I have been hit by a truck. A BIG, FREAKING TRUCK that hit me at 100mph. Doc wanted to try me on a prescription that is normally given to people who suffer from nacrolepsy, shift work syndrome or obstructive sleep apnea. Insurance said NO. I was soooo looking forward to having even just a day, where I would be alert, I would be able to go to work for 9 hours, come home, workout, do homework and whatever else I need to do here, but apparently the insurance company knows everything about everything. Back to square one. Some people think sleep apnea and I guess when I can find someone to stay with kids I will have the sleep study done, but I seriously do not think that is it. I sleep deep, very deep, so deep that there are times I don't even hear the alarm clock. I just wonder how much longer I can do this? I am ready to cry over it as it is. What do I need to do fall asleep driving?
Back to the weight loss though, my first 5k is in 3 weeks. Actually this Saturday it will be 2 weeks away. I had this vision in my head that I would be running it minus at least 40 pounds. Of course I never thought that I would be running it alone either. Wait I never thought I was going to run one period. When I signed up for it though, I thought "I can do this." and I can, then I thought "I will do this and I will do it okay", then I thought "I will really do this okay because I will get more weight off and that will help", and now I am like "Shit, this race is right here and it is going to hurt". I WILL finish and I guess for my first race I will do ehhh, but I want better than ehh, just like I want my grades this semester to be all A's but in reality I have A's and B's. Instead of getting excited about the race I am starting to worry that people are going to look at my fat ass and think "Really? She thinks she is going to do this?" I know I am too tough on myself. I know, always have been, a huge fault of mine, but I don't want to fail. Finishing though isn't failing right? That is all I need to do right now, FINISH. I know this, but I don't want it to take an hour. There is a possibility I will do better than I am expecting myself to do, but I just want to be able to go in there as confident as I went into my midterm yesterday.
Wow this one has been long and hasn't been exactly a pleasant experience to write or for the few that read to read. I realize that I am my own worst enemy. (Yes I sung that line). I just want to prove to those around me that I can do this, but most of all I want to prove to myself that I can do this. For so many years I was the fat girl, the nice girl but I am tired of that. I want to be the nice girl, the healthy girl, but the girl who DID IT! I just need things to start cooperating. :(
Tomorrow....Calories in, Calories out right?
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