Today Sucks!

Today is one of those days where I wish this was all over. Okay I wish that every day but today I just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to have to wear a hat or one of the scarves I can't get to tie on my head properly. I don't want to have to ask for help to get to treatment. I don't want think about how tired I will be when I get home from treatment and wonder how I will make dinner for Lorissa. I don't want to do ANY of it.  Today is one of those days where I either want it to take me or I want all of this to be a bad dream that I will finally wake up from.

I hate that my hair is gone and what is growing back is gray. Apparently I won't have black hair as I thought after treatment, no I will have a full head of gray hair before I am 40. I hate the inflamed hair follicles where I have ingrown hairs from shaving my head with a razor.

 I hate that I worked my ass off to lose 17 pounds and it is slowly now creeping back even though I am really trying to fight the cravings. I hate that my clothes are starting to feel tighter. 
I hate that I can't run right now even though I keep trying. I hate that when I work out that I don't feel like I am doing as well as I was. I want to be a runner, I want to be fit.
I feel fat, I feel ugly, I feel stupid and dumb and helpless.

I hate that I couldn't remember the name of the girl my daughter is spending the night with for the longest time today. I hate that I am making stupid mistakes at work because my mind seems to be sleeping all of the time. I hate that I sleep but am tired all of the damn time. So tired that I oversleep every morning and I could sleep at my desk every day. I hate the hot flashes that hit me so badly I could strip down to nothing or lay on a bed of ice. Then the next moment I hate that I am freezing to the point I will turn the heater on at my desk.

I hate that I feel lonely. I hate that I feel I am a burden to those around me, Friends and family alike. I hate that I have to ask for help with things and then I hate when I break down and do that I can't always get help.

I hate it all. I used to think I could imagine, at least a little how someone with cancer felt but I realize no one who has never had cancer can ever imagine what a person going through cancer feels like. The emotions, the good days, the bad days, the nausea, the "roid rage", the cravings and disgust for foods, the hair loss, the fatigue. NONE of it is easy. NONE of it is okay. Some days it is tolerate better than others, but even those who have a positive outlook, has a day here and there that sucks and today is mine. So....

CANCER SUCKS! 

I wanted to add some four letter words to it to really express the way I feel but there might be a family member or two who may read this that won't appreciate those words, but if anyone else reads this you can add your own flair.

I hope that I can wake tomorrow and feel better. Feel positive, feel as pretty as is possible right now. I hope that my clothes won't be any tighter and some black hair will pop through. I hope that the tears and emotions will be controlled and I will be able to do the work around the house that I need to get accomplished before Tuesday. I hope that I wake up feeling like the fighter so many think I am. To put it plainly, I hope I wake up more like me again.