I know, I know you are thinking "Isn't it about time for Round 4?", and yes you would be correct, Round 4 is next week. I am two days away from pre-meds, and 5 days til my next treatment. I should have recorded this earlier, but I have been so damn tired that I just haven't had the energy to put the thought into all of this, but since treatment is days away I figured I needed to get this written before chemo brain kicks in even more.
The days leading up to chemo sucked. I HATE the pre-meds. For some the days of steroids give them a boost of energy, I am the opposite though. They make me moody and even more tired than I normally am. On top of those I had to take Zantac like it was going to save my life. Funny I hate to even take anything for a headache but through al of this I am forced to take medicine after medicine after medicine. Anyway......
June 25th, or chemo day, rolled around. I awoke feeling more than anxious about the whole thing and it didn't start out very well. Adam was out of town, Mom couldn't drive, and so I had asked my brother to drive me. He dropped my Mother off at my house at 6am and told me he had to work. I was freaked out at the thought of having to drive but I didn't have anyone to call at 6am. I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place and let me tell you it was.
The drive in was hard. Traffic was at a dead stop near the airport in Birmingham. I cussed, and cussed some more. I particularly cussed at one car who had almost hit me. I think that the rage was probably a side effect of the steroids. Good thing I was able to control myself and do nothing more than cuss him out, when he couldn't hear. I was also STARVING and all I wanted was a donut. Thankfully there is a Dunkin' Donuts near the hospital. I had those two donuts eaten as we pulled into the parking lot. Stupid steroids.
Treatment itself wasn't too bad. My CA-125 had dropped to 8.3, and once the nurse's phone quacked, signaling I was past the allergic reaction time frame for the new drug, Taxol, I went to sleep. The one drug took almost 4 hours, and then there was the 30 mins for the Carboplatin. I know some people have heard that there are cancer patients who are in and out for chemo, but I can tell you my day started at 6am, we were at chemo at 8am, wasn't finished with chemo til 4pm and wasn't home until about 5:30. It is a hell of a long day. A day that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
The drive home was awful. I was so tired. All of the meds they had given me were not worn off and so I fought sleepiness all the way home. I remember telling Mom more than once as I drove home, that I was fading. I felt like bawling my eyes out. I felt alone, I felt like a thorn in others' sides, I felt...alone. As soon as we ate I was out and then slept that night, the majority of the next day and the day after. After that I fought....Side effects
Side effects....The bone pain was so bad I cried myself to sleep multiple nights and at one point I cried for my Granny. I didn't realize it could be that bad. Drinking, I am STILL having an issue drinking. All of the things that worked during the first 2 treatments didn't work this time and water, OH MY how I want water, but how awful does it taste. I drink about 2-3 drinks a day now and that includes my coffee in the morning. I realize that is not near enough but I am trying at least. Food hasn't been too much of an issue. Initially red meat was out but by the 4th I was okay enough with it that I was able to eat a hamburger at my cousin's bbq. There is that terrible part of me that wishes the food would be an issue but that part of me has to be smacked in the face every once in a while and told to wise up.
My hair has grown out a little but my scalp is starting to get a bit sore again. I do hope that when/if the rest of this falls out, that the gray that is showing up in my hair, like all of my hair, will come back a color other than gray. I am terrified to think that when all of this is said and done I will be a 39 yr old with a full head of gray hair. UGH! Cancer and what it does to the body.
So now as Tuesday approaches I will say I am not looking forward to the pre-meds, I worry about the ride there and back, even though I am supposed to have a ride, I worry about the side effects, I worry about feeling even more exhausted than I already do, and I worry about the emotions that make me seem/feel a bit crazy. Time to take deep breaths and prepare. Time to clean, and get all of the things in order to make next week flow a bit easier here at home.
I can do this right? Take on Round 4? Half way there, next week starts the downward climb. I CAN do this.
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