Clearing some things up

Today I will actually attempt to write two posts. One that will cover Round 4 and this one, one that has been eating away at me for days and days.

Those who have known me my entire life know that I have struggled with my weight. Those who have known me and are close to me know that this struggle with my weight obsesses me most of the time. Especially at times when most sane women would not only understand what is going on with their bodies, but accept it. This is not me however.

When I was pregnant, I knew that I was growing a life but in my warped head I was getting fat. I had finally lost enough weight that I thought of myself as somewhat "normal" and then all of a sudden I was gaining weight. Now I didn't do anything stupid when I was pregnant and try to lose weight but for a girl who didn't think of herself as pretty, or worthy of the ass she was with, it was crazy hard to look in the mirror and see a glowing soon to be mother and not a beached whale ( as he so often made me feel). Now fast forward to today...

I think people have this misconception of me. I think that people think that I am running around dieting in order to avoid the steroid gain. I am NOT. I am trying to eat healthy meals. More fruits, veggies, and the like. This was pretty much my normal diet PRE-cancer. Pre-Cancer I tried to avoid that junk, the sodas, the crap so why would I NOT try to avoid this after a cancer diagnosis? Now I would be lying if I said that I didn't mind gaining the weight because I do mind. Most women mind. I don't like thinking that a year ago I started busting my ass to get myself in shape and that those measly 17 pounds I lost before cancer decided it had other plans, I will have to lose again. It absolutely eats away at me. BUT I am NOT, and let me be clear about this, am NOT running around measuring out portion sizes and wondering if I can take a diet pill to lose weight. Oh and if ice cream is the only thing I can eat, as it was yesterday, I eat it. HOWEVER, there is NOTHING NO ONE CAN SAY THAT WILL MAKE ME LIKE WEIGHT GAIN!  Period! Just like I don't have to like the bone pain, or the heat rashes, or the hair loss, I don't have to like it any of it, I just have to get through it, learn from it, and recover from it.

I have this tendency to let people walk over me. To let their thoughts and opinions negate my thoughts and opinions but I probably more than anything I do, need to stop that. My thoughts and opinions are mine to contend with no matter how warped they seem to be and so, when I question why I am gaining weight at such a rapid pace, someone who says "Jess it is the steroids" is going to get so much more understanding from me. Five words.....And here is the thing although I understand, I may not understand because as I have said I have a warped mind and in my mind, even when taking steroids, if I choose to eat a salad as opposed to a hamburger the weight gain should be less.  Who knows maybe it will make a difference in the end?

Sooooo now that I have gotten that off my chest.....I am going to shower, run to the bank because today I WILL eat a funnel cake, and most likely something else that isn't good for the steroids, but I will eat them because it is that kind of day and I want to.