I want to write a meaningful post, one in which I discuss my fears. The fear that I have that the PET scan will show something more than Stage 1. The fear that I have of the port and the chemo. The fear that I have of losing my hair and how worried I am that I will look awful bald. The fear that I will be like a lot of people and lose what little bit of financial wiggle room I have from my little pay. Fear that I will make my daughters teenage years tougher and she will resent me even though I have vowed to try not to let my cancer interfere with her childhood.
I also want to write in that post about the tears I shed yesterday over losing my hair and how awful I will look. The tears I shed over how much everything will cost and the strain I am already putting on my family and my friends, even if imagined. Tears that contain my fears, the largest of my fears, my self doubt. Yes I doubt whether or not I can do this, whether or not the strength everyone else says they see in me is actually real or if it is just a great façade I have managed to build and use to fool everyone else.
I want to be that person everyday who fights and is able to push through it all but I do know that I can't be that person all day, every day. Tonight however, I want to dream that I lose my hair and am able to see beauty in me where others may not. I want to dream that I am able to take on anything that is thrown at me and more and come out on top and I want to dream that my experiences no matter whether they are the drug addict ex or cancer can one day help someone else who may see themselves in a similar situation.
Sweet dreams and good health
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